Balanced Thoughts of the Submissive
Any D/s dynamic can be considered a relationship whether the goal is to create a romantic connection with the inclusion of D/s or to simply employ D/s protocols alone. A relationship must be nourished and tended, especially one of this sort, and the mental and emotional capacity of both parties is key, especially that of the submissive. She must bring (and continue to provide) stability and understanding while allowing herself to be molded to the suitability of her dominant counterpart.
I was asked by a dominant acquaintance to write out what I could do to become a better submissive. I am the last person to claim perfection as a submissive, but admittedly, I scoffed at the idea of this “assignment.” After all, it’s not easy to pull one’s own shortcomings front and center and face them at eye level. Still, I trudged onward and completed this task, a task I found, in the end, to be of great benefit to me.
I listed four key points I need to work on to improve. Regarding one, I wrote:
I tend to rationalize things in an analytical fashion, and in my understanding I can sometimes read too far. I need to learn to balance anticipating my partner’s needs vs. understanding when he needs for me to take his words “as is” and be in the here and now (as opposed to reading several steps ahead of him and his words).
It is true. Sometimes I think too much whereas I am better off (to him) simply being available. This does not in any way negate my ability, focus, worth, importance, or usefulness as a thinking, and sometimes opinionated, adult. My brain does not shut down when my knees touch the floor. It merely means it is a positive thing to keep one’s mind clear and uncomplicated, thereby reducing the complication in the relationship. My mind less cluttered allows me to be more easily molded to his needs, his wants, even his whims.
Unnecessary strife can be caused by the process of overthinking. If my Master tells me to write out five reasons I should continue to serve him, I can safely assume this is a task he wants me to complete, but can I assume more? I can spend much time guessing the why and what for of his reasoning, but I run the risk of going off-track in my thinking. I may mistakenly think he is considering why he should keep me around, when, in fact, it may be much less troublesome than that. Perhaps his way of being in touch is to give me a directive to follow, or maybe he just wants to hear my thoughts on a particular topic. We all know what ass-u-me’ing (sp) can lead to.
Anticipating my Master’s needs is an important part of my service to him. Reading him and understanding his various nuances helps me to be a better submissive. However, in that anticipating, I could easily overstep my bounds and enter into dangerous territory where I begin to make decisions for him. Take this over-simplified example: I anticipate that he will want a refreshing beverage when he arrives, so I prepare the glass with ice and pour the Coke. I’ve done a good thing, right? Sure, if I know for certain that is what he likes… Coke (and even ice!). But if I am not solidly sure of his choice and it turns out that he is a Pepsi man, I have actually overreached and made the decision that he will have something other than his choice!
Think without overthinking. Anticipate without overreaching.
Two things can help to keep a healthy thought balance as a submissive: communication and patience. (1) There is no substitute for a communicative leader, effective and insightful in his role as a dominant. As submissives, perhaps we cannot expect to be made privy to all the ins and outs, dusty corners and secret zones of our dominant’s brain at all times, but we should expect a basic level of appropriate communication that keeps us guided within our D/s dynamic. Knowledge provides a barricade against assumption. (2) Patience is a key asset of a successful submissive (although we may not always appreciate the finer points of it!). In employing patience, I allow myself to serve on his terms, his schedule, his time. In doing so, I release myself from the stress of future management and can focus more on the present, and again, being available to him.
One would hope that any dominant would appreciate his submissive’s desires and attempts to fully anticipate his needs thereby serving him more completely, especially where no malice is intended. Sometimes all it takes is a gentle (ok, or firm) hand to help guide us back on track. As submissives, while focusing outwardly on him, we must also face inwardly and recognize as best as possible when our own shortcomings begin to transform our eagerness to please into traits that are displeasing. It is all about balance.
This article is very long. I think too much.