Hey! I'm No Subbie

Hey! I’m No Subbie

Today I spoke with someone who twice used the term “subbie,” once addressing me as such. This does not sit well with me for various reasons, and hasn’t since my first 15 minutes in the lifestyle when I first heard the term. Some of these reasons will surely resonate with a few others, while some may prove me, in the eyes of others, to be sensitive. I will happily respond to that at the end of this article (ok, ).

You don’t know me

pointingIf we don’t know each other, you have no idea if I am comfortable with the use of pet names by strangers or if it’s my biggest pet peeve. Please don’t make the choice for me, but instead, speak with me, develop a rapport and you will soon know my level of comfort. If not, why not just ask?


Motive could play a part in addressing a submissive as “subbie” whether that submissive is known by the dominant or not. Perhaps the term is simply used in a cutsie playful manner with no bad intentions. Is cutsie and playful the way to go? I don’t know. On the other hand, perhaps the person using it does so to place himself a notch above the submissive or to put her in her “place” and sees this as a quick and immediate way of doing so. Perhaps there is no true reason.

General level of respect

No matter the motive behind the use of the term, if one exists at all, I question the level of respect a dominant has for submissives, and will even go as far as to question their level of respect for women in general. Yes, this is an assumption based upon a presumption, and no one wins. But if a dominant addresses me with such a name, couldn’t it possibly speak to the degree to which he would take me, my thoughts & concerns, opinions & intellect seriously? Honestly, it doesn’t seem to bode well for how he would view my value.

Just ’cause we’re kinky…

General manners, courtesy and respect transcend vanilla interactions. Crossing the threshold into the world of kinkdom does not exempt anyone from employing a basic level of etiquette. A dominant may find that one submissive who wants his initial contact to read “Speak to me, you slutty whore of a subbie piece of trash,” but likely, she’ll go by the name of “TalkShitToMePlease” or something similar. For all others, a general amount of courtesy is probably the best bet. Would the dominant who addresses submissives as “subbie” go out and address random/all vanilla women as little girls? I would hope not.


I’ll admit, this reason is supported by a thin string, but I will list it anyway. Father Time has awarded me enough badges that I sincerely believe I have earned a right or two in life. As long as I am not wielding a rifle and setting booby traps for the neighborhood children, I expect a basic level of respect from those younger than me, just the same as I continue to show respect to those with more life experience than I (I actually show respect to all ages). But I don’t expect to be addressed as anything other than a woman by anyone (owner excluded), and that includes lifestylers as well.

Do some of these statements make me appear to be overly sensitive to this topic? If so, I would ask why, and point to a couple of points/examples.

  • At the company holiday party, there are certain topics one might want to veer away from (religion, politics, etc.) if one wants to avoid possible conflict. To assume everyone will be on the same page is a risky leap.
  • If a woman walks around with a prominent baby bump, as enticing as it may be, it would be inappropriate for a stranger to approach and touch her belly.
  • A man in a bar attempting to pick up women should probably avoid calling every female “sweetcheeks.” Hey, it might work for some, but addressing all women by some pet name is likely a losing bet.

So, why presume? Why use pet names for submissives across the board? The bottom line of this piece is to aver that at least one person (moi) is uncomfortable and put off by the use of a term like “subbie” and perhaps there are numerous others. To presume it will be accepted by all is an incorrect assessment.

Are there exceptions? Absolutely. Generally those exceptions occur between those who are on the same page already. IMHO, strangers + “subbie” don’t mix, however, I find the term cringeworthy coming from anyone at any time.