Pre-Play Dialogue Ideas
Playing with someone new can be a big deal. There’s the incredible excitement and anticipation of a new experience. There’s also the fear of the unknown which can be cause for that “bundle of nerves” feeling. NRE, or new relationship energy, can encompass both equally. If it’s fear you’re feeling, relax and know you’re not alone. No matter how cool & calm your intended top may seem, s/he will share some of the same butterflies you may be experiencing. Tops have concerns, too, and rightfully so. As Sir might say, it’s just a matter of putting the butterflies into formation.
This article was inspired by an article called “The Interview” written by The Winsome Gypsy. It is written more from the perspective of a bottom, sub or slave.
To assist with said formation, below are a few tips and reminders for interacting with and communicating with a new play partner. The basis is to share your ideas and concerns openly. This process needn’t be extensive or highly formal unless that is desired. It all can be addressed in casual pre-play conversation. Generally, interested parties will have a chance to develop a bit of a rapport before deciding to play together. This is a key time to discuss what kinks, concerns and limits you may have in common or differ on. Exchanging kink lists, or play lists, is common and pretty standard, but consider sharing and discussing the following as well:
- Would you like to have an initial meet-n-greet session or will your first meeting be for actual play?
- Safe call information: What is the first name, last name, address (home, or address of where you will be), phone number, and any other relevant information so that one (or both) of you can have your safe call(s) in place before you meet for play.
- What’s at the top of your play list (loves/likes) vs. what’s at the bottom (dislikes, soft limits, hard limits)? What things would you like to try that you have not yet tried?
- Do you have any health concerns. The middle of upside-down suspension play is probably not the best time for a top to find out his bottom is prone to blackouts. Any information that could possibly affect one’s health and play is important to disclose for the safety of all. Of course, if fluid exchange is a possibility, both parties should disclose their general & sexual health status.
- Are you a masochist? Do you enjoy pain, and if so, to what degree (from slight pain to heavy marking)? If not, are you more interested in control, general no/low-pain physical stimulation, other?
- Do you have a safeword? If so, what is your safeword. If not, will you be assigned one?
- What is your general style? As a bottom are you generally quiet as a mouse or loud as a howler monkey? Are you more of a teeth-gritter, a crier, or none of the above? Do you hit subspace relatively easy or is it somewhat difficult to reach? Not quite sure? Do you prefer daytime play or nighttime play?
- What are your fears? While play time is not intended to be a breakthrough therapy session, having an idea of one’s fears can be helpful. For instance, I could really hurt someone if I see a spider…seriously. Perhaps for someone else, it’s a fear of falling, so drop play may be taken off the table… you know, blindfolded & tied in a chair then pushed backwards but being rescued just before hitting the floor. Yeah….
- What is your general substance policy? Do you drink, smoke…… anything at all? If so, would you partake before or during a session?
Take these ideas as a basic guideline when engaged in pre-play dialogue. Adjust the list to suit your circumstances, needs and style as you see fit. And by all means, enjoy the play!