A Top's 3 Best Tools

A Top’s 3 Best Tools

About this post

Often, when someone takes an interest in adopting the role of “top” (or dominant) in a kinky dynamic, they believe they will need to spend an inordinate amount of money on new and fancy tools & toys. Certainly, that’s a viable option, but it really is incumbent upon those new to kink, as well as those who are seasoned veterans, to understand the tools they already have at their disposal.

Below are a top’s 3 best tools, no extra equipment necessary.

Your mind

post-thinkingmanYour mind is the source of your creativity, the engine that powers your convictions, drives your passions & desires and confirms your body’s needs. Your mind ultimately determines when you should stop and when you should go harder. Your mind helps you read your partner and decipher the mood of the moment. Your mind is the canvas in the great art of the mindfuck. Use the power for good or for deviousness, which can also be good.

Just like sex starts long before a trip to the bedroom, a scene can start long before as well. Practice ways to incite excitement and a mood… even a mysteriously dark mood (I call it “dark mode”), well before the scene starts. But don’t stop there; the emotional energy exchange can be an integral part of the scene. Connect your energies and allow your mind to… go… there.

Your voice

sound-micYou can whisper or yell, change inflection, vary your intonation, or even speak in another language. Your voice, taking it’s lead from your mind, is a very powerful tool. Often, a single word well-placed is all that is needed for a desired effect. You can strike fear, send chills, cause a spark or garner a smile… all of which can be useful tools in WIITWD (a BDSM acronym for “what it is that we do”).

Actively practice using your voice… the one that gets things moving while still maintaining decorum. Focus on learning what voice works best for different purposes, plus what keywords work best for you, and how loose (i.e. casual) or tight (i.e. formal, firm) your statements (or commands or directives) need to be for the type of results you would like.

Your hands

handshakeToys and tools can be a big plus and are fun to have, but learning how to use your hands first is paramount. Your hands can do almost everything your tools and toys can do, and you get the benefit of learning how your hands control reactions directly.

You can hold, caress, subdue, grab, stroke, point, direct, lead, control, rub, pinch, pull, push, thump, lift, twist, poke, wave, signal, strike, mold, spank and many other tactile actions… even choke or slap (all within the realm of consent, of course).

Use of your hands involves other senses as well. How does it look the moment after you spank the back of the right thigh? Ten minutes later? Was it thuddy or stingy or both? Is it cool or warm? Are your fingers tingling? How did it sound? Did your partner make sounds? Did a new smell of arousal appear?

Master your hands as one of the best tools to ever touch your toy bag.

Stress-free practice sessions

Whether you’re just getting your feet wet in kink, are an experienced practitioner, or are just looking to switch things up a bit in your routine scenes and interactions, practice sessions can play an important role in your growth, that of your partner(s), and your dynamic(s) as a whole. Gaining expertise in the use of one’s best owned tools – mind, voice, hands – and honing one’s skills can be beneficial to all involved.

An example of stress-free practice may first include creating a “judgment-free zone” where the parties enter with a clear, unbiased mind, and continue to show positive support for their partner’s interests and efforts. It may also include “free talk” where the s-type is allowed to continually speak freely, even informally (casually). This can allow for speech (feedback!) that is less guarded and more honest. No stress!

Try setting up a scene where you focus on giving commands only, and each command is to be followed. Practice voice variations, word substitutions, clarity (re: the meaning of your commands) and timing. Or try a scene where the commands are driven by hand signals alone. And don’t forget the art of the mindfuck — this can start hours, days, even weeks before a scene.

In all these, be creative and remember to be communicative with your partner(s).

In summary…

Never underestimate the degree to which your readily available personal tools can be used with (and affect) your partner, both in and out of a scene. You are a living, breathing tool set. The level of effectuality of your tools depends on your input, particularly the passion and motivation that drives your input.

Use them wisely, use them well.