The Kink Realm http://www.thekinkrealm.com A BDSM, adult, sex-positive, alternative lifestyle article resource. (18+/adult content) Fri, 21 Apr 2017 14:31:36 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=4.3.1 My Favorite Sub/slave Position – Kowtow, Kiss The Floor http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/my-favorite-subslave-position-kowtow-kiss-the-floor/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/my-favorite-subslave-position-kowtow-kiss-the-floor/#comments Sun, 09 Oct 2016 20:08:18 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=4343 The following is from a social thread by The Kink Realm. It has been reproduced and adapted for public viewing on this website. Additional thoughts...

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The following is from a social thread by The Kink Realm. It has been reproduced and adapted for public viewing on this website. Additional thoughts may have been added in this version.

Preface

If you’ve ever searched online hoping to find a single definitive source referencing BDSM submissive/slave positions, you may have come away from your search feeling as though you’d entered a rabbit hole of conflicting information. It’s not even so much that various sources disagree on the actual positions, but rather the naming convention — you might be hard-pressed to find a wide range of sources that use the same terminology for positions.

This can make the search for something simple a more belabored task with uncertainty being the main reward. But for this article, I’d like to reference one primary source, and one primary position, outlining why I find it such a great position for subs/slaves (s-types in general).

Quick note on inclusivity

In my search on this topic (and plenty others) over the years, I’ve found numerous sources that speak in a highly exclusive language, often forgetting about those who are not like them. Even in titling this article, I considered using “A Great Sub/slave Position for All,” but “…for Some” would be more appropriate. It’s important to be accommodating in our kink speech for various body types, styles and abilities. Instead of saying “Well, it’s just not for you” we could just as easily be more open to our wonderful, wide range of kinkster representation. I am personally continually working to improve myself in this area and encourage others to as well.

References

In order to KISS, I’ve decided to buckle down and choose a primary source when referencing sub/slave positions. That source is The Restrained Elegance lexicon of slavegirl positions (please refer to it for this article). There is a lot of information provided on this page including clear visuals to assist in the study of positions. I am also appreciative of the disclaimer regarding the sometimes nonconventional (non-vanilla, non-PC) style of language we use in kink, as well as the recognition that some of the physical positions come with caveats.

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Click to enlarge

The Kiss the Floor position, aka the Kowtow

This position — aka #4, kneeling, outstretched and various other names —  is based on one that comes with a long, meaningful history from East Asian culture and beyond.

Click to enlarge

Click to enlarge

 

The position

Kiss the Floor calls for the s-type to lower themselves onto their knees, butt up, forehead to the floor, arms outstretched. While most positions can be written as simply as that, there are a few particulars to keep in mind. It’s important to practice positions, and it’s also important to understand what your D-type requires of you.

Some variations…

For instance, with Kiss the Floor, knees: you can place your knees apart or tightly together. toes: Same goes for the feet, as well as toe position — toes tucked vs relaxed/stretched out. back: The arch of your back in this position can add extra visual flair. arms: Arms should be stretched out relatively straight, but whether you cross them at the wrist or not is up to your D-type’s preference. belly: If your midsection would otherwise make this position difficult, no problem. Simply spread your knees a bit wider and allow your belly to rest (fall) gently between your thighs. hair: If you have long hair (I have locs down my back and this is frequently something I have to address), place it as your D-type prefers. If no preference has been given, split your hair in the center and spread it evenly on both sides of your neck. head: As far as the forehead to the floor, well… I just can’t see putting my clean forehead directly onto any floor unless I’m being held at gunpoint in a bank robbery. Sorry, but germs are germs. I do, however, find that this position lends a little wiggle room for such details. more: And lastly, know it’s OK to modify (or request modification of) a position that may be difficult for you. If this is an unreasonably uncomfortable position for you, try (and offer) a few variations that allow proper presentation. On the Restrained Elegance page I’ve referenced, consider the “Offer Yourself” & “Servant Genie” positions.

kneeling

Loose variation / Click to enlarge

All the reasons…!

The Kiss the Floor position is, in my opinion, one of the most reverent positions. It is also quite visually appealing, good for show. I have used this position on command, and on occasion, without prompting when I needed to show deference to my owner (likely for a blunder on my part).

It’s also a rather comfortable position for some, and one where you can adjust for your comfort without disrupting your presentation. It’s one of the few positions where you can take care of the inevitable nose itch without breaking pose too much. And I’ve found I can remain in this position for longer/extended periods, unlike other, more strenuous positions.

This is my favorite sub/slave position above all others, even above basic kneeling which can be hard on one’s knees, and even the lower back for some. Basic kneeling is hard on my ankles and always has been. I tend to have to shift often with toes under vs toes back (tucked vs relaxed). I’m surely not alone in this struggle.

Sometimes being able to rest body parts is important while in service. Just resting the forehead on the carpet can be a good break when (if) your neck begins to strain (if you’re a floor germophobe like me and attempt to keep your forehead 3 cm off the surface the whole time). In Kiss the Floor, I love being able to arch my back inward, butt up & out, allowing my natural curves to star the show. This position allows for the hips to spread out comfortably (once relaxed) without much extra effort. Also, it also allows me to relax my back & shoulders, which can be extra important before a scene or after bodily use (post-scene).

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Tight variation / Click to enlarge

For all the bits & pieces of the physical aspects of submission, opportunities to relax the body & mind are crucial. This sub/slave position can be (at least briefly) restful. As pointed out by OOMF, this position is good for reducing noise of the audible kind, or “outside noise.” The upper arms are close to the ears, acting as barriers and reducing sound. The head down position, eyes to the floor, also reduces sight. Sensory restriction while in this position might even help reduce anxiousness & nervousness that outside noise tends to sharpen. Through this, it’s also good for reducing internal noise. I mentioned it even being a positive meditative position.

In summary

The key benefits to the Kiss the Floor position: reverence in show, visual appeal, potential for relaxation & meditation/reduction of stress.

 

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On Kink Contracts – The Positives http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/kink-contracts-positives/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/kink-contracts-positives/#comments Fri, 07 Oct 2016 15:56:40 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=4330 The following is from a social thread by The Kink Realm. It has been reproduced and adapted for public viewing on this website. Additional thoughts...

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The following is from a social thread by The Kink Realm. It has been reproduced and adapted for public viewing on this website. Additional thoughts may have been added in this version.

So…. kink and contracts.

Personal experience

I’ve used/had them twice before. One was for a M/s (Master/slave) relationship where we simply outlined a few things (like the basic structure of our dynamic) and put our signature & date. We did refer back to it a few times over the years I was with him. Nothing major, but like checking your owner’s manual.

The other was for a D/s relationship where we’d played together before & had already developed a great rapport. I officially & formally petitioned him for ownership via written pronouncement of my desire to serve him. Maybe that doesn’t count quite as much as an official kink contract, but the language in it was contractual. It went over very, very well.

contract

Here a clown, there a clown, but…

Someone (randomly overheard) denounced the use of contracts in kink. They said whoever makes you sign one is basically a clown… but………..

The keyword I took from their statement was “makes.” I guess some kinksters try to force their ways on others in the lifestyle, but contacts should be mutual. This includes all parts, from the language within the contract to the reasoning behind the necessity of the contract.

I can see a “clown” trying to prey on a vulnerable sub (or vice versa)… making them believe a contract is necessary when perhaps it is not, but for the REST of us…

The potential benefits of a contract

A contract, while an optional tool, can be very beneficial for some of us. My petition was a GREAT tool to express my submissive desires towards a particular D-type & to help solidify our D/s start.

If it doesn’t work…

I’ve always said, a kink contract is truly only as strong & binding as the continued consent & willingness of the parties who entered into it. So firstly, what’s the worst a kink contract can do? Like much of what we do, our bindings aren’t recognized legally. The worst that can happen is that you walk away from whatever dynamic you’ve created together. Hell, that happens with or without a contract.

But when it does work….

checkBut for those who use them, a kink contract can be a tool for outlining wishes, expectations and concerns, and it can easily be revised to suit over time. As a “lists” person, I write out most any task I’m given. Being able to go back and reference those written words, if for nothing but clarity, is often quite helpful. The same general idea should apply to kink contracts. I sometimes reread lease agreements, phone plan details, most anything I’ve signed (don’t we all? maybe, maybe not :) ). A kink contract would be no different. Referencing the particulars of one’s contract down the road can be advantageous in various ways — a nice morale boost, a way of gaining clarification, the first step in future negotiations and even a way to uphold accountability within one’s dynamic.

A kink contract is also great for those who enjoy high protocol, even if only for limited times (brief high protocol). A contract is definitely a more highly structured tool and pairs well with the formality that high protocol brings. But it doesn’t have to be extremely formal, or even perfectly worded (as in legal contracts). A kink contract should simply be written to suit. Everything we do in kink should be custom to ourselves and our dynamics, as long as it’s consensual and not (unintentionally) harmful (“unintentionally harmful” for us masochists; “harm” is sometimes relative).

And lastly, kink contracts don’t have to be this ever-binding force between parties. A kink contract can easily be time-limited. Thanks to Master A for introducing me to this concept a few years back. A temporary, time-limited contract is great for specific terms of service. Serving in X capacity for 90 days is a prime example of how a line in a temporary contract could read. How to begin the service term, expectations during the service, and how to exit the term of service are a few additional agreements that can go in a temporary kink contract.

There are probably as many different styles, uses & reasons for kink contracts are there are lifestylers. Use ’em or not, it’s totally up to you!

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The Unsure Masochist – Gaining Confidence http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/unsure-masochist-gaining-confidence/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/unsure-masochist-gaining-confidence/#comments Mon, 25 Jul 2016 21:42:56 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=4319 There are typically a few questions asked in the kink community that we hear over and over. These are questions that seem to be the...

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There are typically a few questions asked in the kink community that we hear over and over. These are questions that seem to be the most troublesome to novice kinksters especially. Oftentimes, a simple structured response isn’t enough — a complete guide is needed. In this article, I will attempt to guide you through a common question that’s often posed:

“How do I learn to tolerate pain better?”

(assumed to be asked by s-types, typically bottoms, and for the scope of this article, I’ll base the information on S&M participation.)

When I hear this question, it seems cut and dry, but in reality, it’s often accompanied by the wish to gain confidence as a pain-receiving bottom as well. Let’s talk about both.

What is S&M

Beyond the terms the acronym stands for — sadism & masochism, or sadomasochism — let’s clarify the definition of S&M. In general conversation, many will tell you that S&M play involves one party inflicting pain upon another party for some level of gratification. While this is true, it’s a very limited view of S&M and leaves out important segments that comprise the whole of kink play.

Definition:

Sadomasochism is the application or reception of discomfort for the purpose of pleasure.

Discomfort is a keyword in the definition. It is a more appropriate umbrella term that is inclusive of things like pain, humiliation, fear and more, all of which can be a part of kink play. S&M does not have to include all types of discomfort. You can play without pain, having say, a session that’s all about humiliation with no physical pain involved. Also, while many written definitions of sadomasochism include reference to sexual pleasure, S&M doesn’t have to include sex or anything sexual at all.

Starting with that base definition, we can build from it to suit our individual needs. Everyone can craft their S&M participation to suit.

Pain and your uniqueness

It’s very important to keep in mind just how unique you are. Kink memes, articles and general community chatter may leave you wondering why you haven’t achieved some standard level of tolerance or enjoyment when it comes to S&M. But your levels will never perfectly equal that of others, and neither will your reactions to pain. Your pain threshold is yours alone.

Worthy at all levels

Your level of pain tolerance doesn’t determine your level of worth as a masochist. Neither does your pain preference, whether that’s a little pain or a lot of pain. Please don’t allow yourself to be pinned as a “real” or …unreal(?) submissive based on how much pain you can endure “for” someone else. Submission and masochism are individual elements of BDSM, and you may certainly be one without being the other. (Some of my writings are based on horror tales I’ve heard over the years!)

All pain is not alike

notequalA paper cut does not a masochist make. In fact, for many of us (even us painsluts), a paper cut is call for being rushed to the ER! The sensations felt at the swing of a flogger are unequal to that felt under other circumstances. Even the boldest masochist may succumb to a paper cut, a twisted ankle, period cramps and more. Masochism does not naturally cross over the kink border and cause many of us to be more tolerant of “other” types of pain. “I thought you were a masochist!” can be heard when you stub your toe or hit your funny bone, but we know better.

Comparative pain & reactions

The personal path to gaining more confidence as a masochist can be impeded by using comparisons outside of oneself. Keep these two things in mind:

  1. Your pain reception and tolerance should not be matched against that of others. Yours is different from theirs and theirs (and theirs, too), and even different from your own! What’s that mean? You may experience the same relative pain differently from day to day, even moment to moment because of certain variables (more on this below). If your own pain level is subject to variances, then certainly there’s no sure fire way to adequately compare yours to that of another person. “You don’t quite take nipple torture like PainGirlXYZ does,” but of course you don’t, and the comparison is fraught with misconceptions.
  2. The reactions to pain that you experience are just as unique. There is cause to be careful when relying on the reactions of others to gauge how you will react to the same stimuli. Just because SamanthaBunz orgasms from OTK spankings doesn’t mean you should expect to also get great joy from them. While many of us may share some common generalized reactions to pain play, our physical, emotional & mental reactive responses are highly unique.

A note about “pain charts” online

Poor, limited, exclusive advice like this is dangerous. / Click to enlarge

Poor, limited, exclusive advice like this is dangerous. / Click to enlarge

Pain charts, memes and diagrams found online are typically inaccurate except for the person who created each one, and may even be inaccurate for them! Remember:

  • Judge your own pain tolerance level based only on personal variables.
  • Don’t feel shamed because of not matching others’ tolerance or likes.
  • Don’t feel guilted into taking more than you’re comfortable attempting to handle.
  • Don’t expect to be marked the same as others have been. Your body/skin will react on it’s own accord.
  • Don’t attempt to apply advice that’s not relevant to you (most memes do not account for Bottoms of Color or bottoms with different figures).

Your pain mileage may vary

In the scene, there are factors involved in how one might perceive pain during play, any of which can vary from partner to partner, session to session, and even moment to moment. The way a person receives pain, tolerates it and derives pleasure from it can depend on any of the following (and this is not an exhaustive list):

medicines, medical conditions (current, old injuries), Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) or other, recent drug or alcohol use, periods (including PMS/PMDD), chemistry & comfort with their partner, comfort level with the atmosphere/surroundings (including stage fright), mood/mood shifts, anticipation (whether it brings fear, excitement, or both), rest/lack of sleep, the implement(s) being used & how they’re used

This shouldn’t scare you, only make you aware that S&M and all of what we do in kink is 90% art, and we adjust our stroke as needed for the beauty of it.

I have had the exact same action done to me by the same person in nearly the same environment & setup, yet had a near polar opposite reaction to it at another time. To this day I cannot adequately explain why this happened or point to any particular factors involved.

What can you do?

There are some clear, key ways you can help to improve your confidence as a masochist. It’s really a mix between being sure of what current level of masochism you’re comfortable with and learning to handle levels of pain you may crave.

You may never get rid of the butterflies, but you can teach them how to fly in formation. – author unknown

First, know that some fear is normal, even for the well-seasoned kinkster. Let’s rearrange that fear and repurpose it into anticipation. Now take it and use it as fuel.

Secondly, understand you may never be that masochist who orgasms from OTK spankings. You may detest spankings but absolutely love the bullwhip. Again, your individual expression is key.

Third! Work one step at a time. Becoming the massiest of masochists (yes, I made that up!) is a process and doesn’t happen overnight. Give yourself time.

Here’s an interesting resource on speaking the language of sensation: Sensations: Speaking the Secret Language of the Body While the site focuses on women’s care, the article can certainly be a resource for all genders.

A little self-review

Next, review the following questions with as much self-reflective honesty as possible:

  • Do I like pain? Why or why not? What kind? To what degree?
  • What sensations feel good to me? What feels bad? (thuddy, stingy, pinchy, hot, cold, hard, soft, etc.?)
  • Does anything trigger me? (Perhaps avoiding certain types of pain play & sensations is appropriate.)
  • Do I have any hangups? (ex., You’ve witnessed violence and simply want to avoid play that reminds you of it.)
  • Do I really want this? (What is your purpose for engaging in pain play?)
  • Do I want just a little or to go all out? What does a little or all out look like?
  • Am I OK with marks? What kind (welts, bruises/discoloration, other)?

Include your partner(s)

Chances are, if you’re contemplating how to improve your confidence and pain tolerance as a masochist, you’ve had or will have one or more partners with whom to engage in S&M play. Involving them in your quest is both smart and responsible, and can lead to improved communication overall and shared energy during play.

  • Communicate your issues, even if you don’t have all the right words just yet. Be honest, open and as clear as you can.
  • If you’d like to be challenged, ask for it. Your partner(s) can assist with moving you past your current pain threshold.
  • If you remain guarded about something, let it be known. Recognize if something is a soft or hard limit or has changed for you.
  • Ask for a “tolerance session” where the purpose to test sensations, tolerance and reactions. Discuss each aspect with your partner(s).
  • Prepare for the scene together — hydrate, stretch, breathe, set the scene, meditate, prepare skin and more… together.

What can D-types/partners do?

So glad you asked! Our partners are a crucial part of our kink journey and can be of great help in strengthening our role(s). Here’s a few things partners can do:

  • Create a judgment-free zone.
  • Create a safe space for the s-type (similar to the above — should not have to worry that each movement is being judged, ridiculed, teased).
  • Create a welcoming environment for the s-type to feel relaxed and comforted.
  • Do a pre-session check to see if there are any special needs they may have for the current session.
  • Ask them what they need to help facilitate the best experience.
  • Employ aftercare! Be sure to conduct open discussion after the scene.

What steps have you taken to gain confidence and improve your pain tolerance?

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How To Be a Kinkster in 3 Steps (PEA Model) http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/kinkster-3-steps-pea-model/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/kinkster-3-steps-pea-model/#comments Sun, 24 Jul 2016 01:59:07 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=4246 Think you like some things about BDSM? Are you considering doing “kinky” things, maybe even “officially” joining “the lifestyle”? Who are kinksters? There are about...

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Think you like some things about BDSM? Are you considering doing “kinky” things, maybe even “officially” joining “the lifestyle”?

aka...

Who are kinksters?

There are about as many levels of lifestyle involvement as the ocean is inches deep. You’ll find those who exist closer to the surface, perhaps employing a few aspects of kink in their world. You’ll find those who are completely submerged in the kinky waters, living it 24/7 as a complete, packaged lifestyle.

All levels are valid levels. Most anyone who engages in “kinky” behaviors can label themselves as such, and many do. But for many others, there is more to kink than just a label, more than just knowing a few key terms, and more than just doing it. This article is about those people and the ones who want to be one of those people — a KINKSTER, one who fully embraces BDSM as a lifestyle – something lived regularly, consistently and as an integral part of their world, even if they don’t get to practice it as much as they’d like to!

For the purpose of this article, the terms “kinkster” and “lifestyler” will be used interchangeably and denote persons who would like to move beyond the level of “curious.” The terms “BDSM” and “kink” will also be tossed around, both as umbrella terms.

Also, more experienced kinksters may take this article as a bit of tongue-in-cheek, but as “how do I get started?” is one of the most frequently asked questions many of us get, these words may be a source of inspiration for that one kink-curious person who blossoms into a well-established vet.

How do I become one?

Fortunately, the path to becoming a kinkster isn’t a difficult one. There are 3 key steps, and you can actually begin calling yourself a part of the lifestyle as early as step 1! This isn’t one of those tricky plans that makes you pay in installments before you can enjoy a service or product. No, you’ll be a bona fide kinkster in no time flat! [Does this sound like an infomercial? It may, but it’s real!]

green peasThe Steps

Step 1. Passion

Step 2. Education

Step 3. Application

This is what I call the PEA model. It’s as simple as a green pea – easy to digest and good food for thought.

Step 1. Passion

Many of us had something a little bit kinky about us before we officially found the lifestyle. We were… kink-leaning, if you will. Even those who may not have been so kink-inspired, but somehow found our kinky world, chose to join in and participate because something within the kink realm piqued their curiosity enough to pursue it. For now, we’ll call that interest. If added to the PEA model, it would be the iPEA model, with an interest in kink being the leading step.

“Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark.” – Henri Frederic Amiel

In kink, passion is that which moves you, fuels you, motivates you, draws you, pulls you in, stays on your mind, makes you want it, crave it, need it……. all so much so that you want to claim it. For some, that means claiming the title of submissive, dominant or other. Whatever it is, you like it and it’s sparked something deep inside you. That, my friend, is the energy of passion, and it’s the first thing you’ll need on your path to kinkdom. Hold on to it, because passion is what will fuel you throughout your entire journey.

Step 2. Education

If you are just starting in kink or curious about it, you’re right where every single one of us was at the beginning – in need of information. In fact, (as I personally don’t care for the term “expert” in BDSM) all of us should forever be in the “I’m getting my education” stage of kink, no matter how long we’ve been doing it and how much experience we’ve had. There is always something new to learn. As a novice, it’s vital to research any and all aspects of the lifestyle you may take an interest in, especially if you choose to engage with others. It is also helpful (and advised) to study BDSM-related topics you may feel you’re not currently interested in, as there is something to learn from parts of the kink world which we’ve not yet ventured in to.

badge

Knowledge being power, power exchange being the crux of kink dynamics, kink education is essential to each and every role lived in the lifestyle. It bases our history, our language, our understanding and our communication.

If you don’t know where to start (and as many say, “because it’s overwhelming, there’s so much” and it feels as if you’ll be swallowed up by it all), then start somewhere… anywhere. Find any single, simple topic and build your personal knowledge base so that your entry (and continuation) into kink is built on a solid footing. Just get started.

Step 3. Application

actionSo, you’ve got the passion for this, and you’ve begun to be educated in all things kink. Now it’s time to apply what you know. After all, in kink, education without actualization is, again, interest. To move from one who is interested in kink (and even knows a lot about it) to being a practitioner of kink, one must put that knowledge into action. There is no formal test for this, no perfectly detailed procedural manual and no solid outline to follow on how you obtain your experience (and thank goodness!); you just have to do it. From the (sometimes controversial) online-only D/s dynamic to occasional play to a full-time Master/slave relationship – from getting your feet wet to deep-sea diving style kink – lived experience is the best way to round out one’s education in kink.

Go to a munch (if you’re nervous, contact the organizer or greeter of the group and let them know it’s your first time; they will be helpful in breaking the ice for you). Engage with people online and at events (you may make good friends and even potential partners). Remember, everyone starts their kink journey off at the exact same level. For whatever your comfort level, just do it.

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I’ll Bind You (not just with rope) http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/ill-bind-you-not-just-with-rope/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/ill-bind-you-not-just-with-rope/#comments Wed, 16 Sep 2015 17:36:26 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=4289 Its not only about rope and chains. Continue reading

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Chains. Whips. Latex. Masks. Handcuffs. Rope.

This is what I first saw as what was deemed as instruments in BDSM. The instruments used to make one completely in the other’s control and mercy. The instruments that gave a Dom / Domme free reign in pleasing their sub whichever way the Dom / Domme saw fitting.

As I continued exploring and researching, the one part of BDSM that intrigued me was the control. I craved it as I read how other Doms dominated and trained their subs. I envisioned having my sub kneeling in front of me and whether worshipping my cock or telling me how her day went. I craved hearing “Yes Sir.” I wanted to make my sub scream in a concoction of pleasure and pain and fall asleep in my arms after our sessions and have me nurse her and properly take care of her.

I wanted that control. I wanted to dominate that way. Then it hit me… that’s just the physical, and subsequently emotional aspect, of it.

illbindyou-mindsWhat about her mind? What about her heart? Her soul?

I’ve spoken with a couple of Doms and it’s not a unanimous decision of whether love is pivotal in a BDSM dynamic. I always ask them the question, “Do you influence her thoughts NOT just as a Dom to her?”

As in, what does your sub think of you? What does your sub think of your dynamic? What does your sub think your dynamic is going? What mindset is your sub in before, during and after play?

I ask these questions because, I want to know what my sub thinks. It’s important for me to know what my sub thinks as it makes our dynamic better. I want out minds intertwined and we become of one mindset.

To give an example, my sub was a budding masochist and I a budding sadist. That’s a perfect dynamic. As expected, punishment or play would involve me exercising my sadist trait on her and as a masochist, she will thrive in the pain. She would enjoy it.

I wanted her to know that her thoughts are important to me. What I teach and train her, that’s foundation of her thought process concerning us.

Once, she made a transgression of raising her voice against me for an incident where I was guiding her with happenings in her life.

Expected, that I would belt her ’til she realizes she should never raise her voice at me. If she disagrees with what I said, she should make me aware in a calm, respectful tone.

Physically, she would have learned her lesson and had scars to remind her. Instead, I opted for her mind — to remember her place and consequences of forgetting it.

I made her write 5 pages or until her wrist hurt, whichever came first, of “My Sir is always on my side, He is not against me.”

The repetition of those words as she physically wrote them out can be equated to multiple lashes. The pain on her wrist can be equated to lash or belt marks on her butt cheeks. Both stick to her mind.

I believe binding someone is not only physical with instruments but you can teach discipline by imparting it on the mind. Whether it’s instructing your sub to hold a plate while on her knees or tying her to a machine, the principle should always be the discipline you wish to impart on her.

Don’t only bind your sub physically, but also other aspects such as mentally, emotionally, and if it allows your dynamic, romantically.

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A Review of Fifty Shades of Grey, The Movie http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/a-review-of-fifty-shades-of-grey-the-movie/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/a-review-of-fifty-shades-of-grey-the-movie/#comments Mon, 16 Feb 2015 03:05:01 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=4272 For weeks, if not months, the temperature surrounding the hype of the upcoming Fifty Shades of Grey movie has risen so drastically, one could only...

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For weeks, if not months, the temperature surrounding the hype of the upcoming Fifty Shades of Grey movie has risen so drastically, one could only hope for a cool glass of water or to actually go see the movie so their hype, on a personal level at least, could be quelled. The day finally came — Friday, February 14, 2015 — the movie was released to the theaters for public viewing.

As a lifestyle submissive, passionate about my kink craft, I expected to go into this movie with some of my preconceived notions firmly against my hip — unmovable, nondetachable and unchangeable. What I didn’t realize was how many presumptions of mine would be dimmed by some of the brighter lights of this movie and how many others I’d never considered would surface.

My notes taken during the movie.

My notes taken during the movie.

The pre-movie buzz was all over the place. The vanilla crowd was split between a few major factions. There was the “50 SHADES IS ABUSE – DON’T SUPPORT IT!” movement. Then there were the typical “Ew, spanking is above my freak level” vanillas (this group, I would imagine, comprised the majority of the movie goers). Lastly, the group that, in noise level, rivaled the “50SHADESABUSE” crowd, was comprised of v-types who at least are not totally against lighter kinky activities such as spanking, but they often claim the title of “freaky,” proclaim how much of the lifestyle they are into (kink-wise, but really not), yet typically denounce things like submission and service to another, especially when it involves actual research, study, learning, practicing and evolving into the kinksphere (as opposed to “freaky” living which requires no more than using one’s parts with, for, or around someone else’s freaky parts).

The kinky crowd was also widely split before the holiday release of this movie. Crowd 1 joined in with the “abuse” faction and denounced everything 50 Shades, vowing never to step a foot into the theaters to see the movie. An overlapping crowd of “50 Shades is trash, poorly written and is not BDSM!” folks also made their debut. Then there was the quiet crowd… the ones who didn’t speak either for or against the movie.

I am (was) a part of that last group. I never made statements claiming the greatness or horror I expected to see in the movie. My angst has been limited to the very small early bit of E. L. James’ writing in the book along with snippets I’ve read. I own a digital copy of the book. I have not read enough of it to even claim I can make solid, valid statements regarding it’s legitimacy against the lifestyle. I can, however, attest to some of the effects the last of the trilogy has had.

The “this is not BDSM!” kink crowd, I’ve found, want very much to distance BDSM as they know it — the real life, really lived, non-fantasy based lifestyle — from the semblance of BDSM received from the novel. FSoG represents kink-inspired fiction written by a non-kinky person who, by way of research but never fully understanding (because researching it and living it are two greatly different things when it comes to kink), was able to toss in enough keywords and similarities to WIITWD (what it is that we do, an acronym familiar to lifestylers) that she was able to create a brand new fantasy fad that grates against much of what we live and know to be true.

Suddenly, those who have adopted BDSM as a part of their lives, some living it 24/7, and engage in kink activities regularly, were thrust into a murky pool of “come one, come all” — anyone who even so much as thought of using a blindfold during sex was now diving head first into the water. This made for an uncomfortable swim, particularly for those who have dedicated immeasurable passion to their craft.

It’s no wonder the backlash against the book (whether it was read or not) and the movie (whether it had been seen or not) was, and still is, so impressive.


Sir bought our tickets around lunch time for a 10:30pm showing. I informed him the theaters might be sold out because of all the hype of the movie, plus I’d heard of this possibility some days before the release. We decided to arrive at the theater as close to 10pm as possible so we could procure our favorite spot. Oddly, the theater complex which holds 12 screens, didn’t seem to have the long line outside I’d expected. The lobby inside was equally lacking in bodies. We were able to walk right up to the ticket taker and into the theater, finding our favorite seats.

We sat patiently waiting for the previews to begin, surveying the crowd to see if there were any other kinky couples in attendance, not that we, the kinky, can be spotted on sight. But a big emblem on the back of someone’s jacket or a pretty collar around a sub’s neck would have made us turn to each other and nod knowingly.

While we didn’t witness anything or anyone outwardly “kinky,” we were greatly surprised at just how immature the attendees in general seemed to be. I don’t mean immature by chronological age, but by adult standards. The first sign was two grown women who came in, stood in the aisle and giggled, almost poking at each other in a dare to be the first to enter the theater fully. They presented like 2 youngsters walking into an adult toy store for the first time, laughing and pointing at edible panties.

The noise before the movie began was louder than usual. It was a nervous chatter that was unfamiliar to me, like a room full of people making sounds to distract themselves from their anxiety.

I found it quite unfortunate that this low roar continued for quite some time through the movie. The random conversations were one thing, but the incessant giggling that peaked every time a boob or butt cheek appeared on the screen made us feel as though we were among the greatly sexually repressed.

I could have been more sensitive as a kinky lifestyler, as I also noticed how the audience erupted into “yeah baby” type sounds when the female lead appeared to be worn out after an involved sex/play scene. While the (obviously?) vanilla crowd saw this as a post-sex tap out, I saw it as post-play subspace.


fsog-secretaryFrom the very earliest scenes of the movie, I was immediately put into Secretary mode. Many a’kinkster will remember that movie. While it was far from the first kink-inspired, kink-involved film, and no matter what poor portrayals it may have given us, it was a memorable piece.

I remember the first time I saw it. The year was 2002. The theater was the type with soft, slightly reclining, rocking seats. They sold the standard movie fare… popcorn, Skittles, etc. They also sold beer and wine. I went to the movie alone that evening. Secretary was only shown in a few venues across the country, and finding this spot was a special treat for a submissive like me, still relatively young to the lifestyle. The storyline, while leaving a thing or two to be desired, spoke to me in profound ways. In fact, I saw it at this same theater again within a few days.

Secretary begins with a young lady who is shy, naive and relatively inexperienced in life. She doesn’t have any set plans in mind for her future and is simply hopeful of making it through her current moment in life. For Lee Holloway, the co-star, it means no longer participating in self-harm and living happily in spite of her tumultuous home life. She falls into a new opportunity which lands her square in the grasp of a man by the name of Mr. Grey, E. Edward Grey. He is a reluctant dominant whose excitement is due, in part, to the fact he just caught virgin prey in his web — a virgin to things of the kink realm.

FSoG begins with a young Anastasia Steele who is also relatively inexperienced in life. She states her primary goal is to “just make it through finals.” A rather plain, unassuming Anastasia falls into the space of a man by the name of Mr. Grey, Christian Grey, a dominant who is also cloaked in mystery and defiant self-discovery.

Both female characters begin as simply dressed, doe eyed, awe-struck women who transition into more glamorously dressed, seductive eyed women of assumed confidence, submissives to their Mr. Grey. The male characters appear to be outwardly successful, desirable men, yet they are both fighting demons from their past all while attempting to secure a safe mental & emotional dominant space. Both women coyly used a line similar to “are you going to fuck/make love to me” while both men, in spite of having an air of confidence, displayed a great fear of being perceived as weirdly perverted, Christian Grey even shouting the line, “I’m so 50 shades of fucked up!”

Of note, both male characters were submissive to a previous woman in their life, and those women still played a part in the mens’ current lives — one friendly, one not so much. Did this earlier lifestyle experience affect the level of compassion each showed their would-be submissive? The question, “should one be a submissive before becoming a dominant” has been a point of contention and debate within the kink community since perhaps the days of the Old Guard.

Similarly to Secretary, after their first time having sex, Mr. C. Grey put Anastasia into a white tub to bathe her with a sponge, just as Mr. E. Grey did Lee after their first time. In one scene, Mr. E. Grey gave Lee commands via a land line telephone, ordering her to eat a certain number of green peas and spoonfuls of mashed potatoes at dinner time. Mr. C. Grey gave Anastasia commands as well, but via text messaging. Welcome to 2015.

If you pay close attention, you may notice numerous other subtle similarities between the two movies. If I had taken a drink for each time I recognized one, I would not have been able to take such copious notes during the movie showing… drunk into a stupor.


When I tally up the points for things about the FSoG movie that I loved, or at least appreciated versus the things I really disliked, even hated, the hate fest parade would definitely win the prize. Let’s count the ways.

What I hated

*
fsog-posterI hated that Christian presented as a stalker at least 3 times in the movie. First, he was able to quickly locate Ana at a bar from where she’d drunk dialed him, then go to her. Second, he showed up at her place unannounced, uninvited, yet acted very casual and nonchalant about his presence there. Third, he watched her from afar while she was visiting with her mother, even calling her to ask if she was going to have another Cosmo cocktail, seeing she had already had her assigned limit. While his attention may seem romantic and desirable to some, methinks his incredible wealth and good looks mask the fact that this behavior is intrusive, possessive and scary coming from anyone.

*
After that bar scene, Christian took Ana to his hotel suite, supposedly to sleep off her drunken state. That alone is no crime, but the fact that he undressed her while she was so drunk that she may have been passed out certainly could be. Drunk = no consent. Passed out = no consent. I must cry foul.

*
I was greatly uncomfortable with the storyline that involved the younger Christian Grey, age 15, being the submissive of a woman old enough to be named as his mother’s friend. No interaction between the mismatched pair was shown during the movie, but I didn’t need to see it to call it for what would be called in any circumstance in our society — abuse. Had we been apprised of physical interactions between the two, another word could be used.

*
Before one particular scene, Christian reached for what one could assume was a glass of alcohol. A very, very common sentiment within the kink community is that any level of “play” (particularly S&M activities) should never be performed while under the influence of drugs or alcohol. This point could be debated as the use of “mind-altering” substances could include many things well beyond a glass of wine (even prescribed), thus we have standard safety tenets in place to help plug in these contentious holes. Still, many kinksters would likely cringe at seeing Christian down that wine (or other) just before playing with his hopeful submissive.

Moving on to the kinky’ish bits…..

*
The first time Christian tied Ana’s wrists together, she held them with hands palms up, veins and arteries exposed. While it wasn’t a tight bind and the scene was far from intense (i.e severe), bondage lovers may want to look away as he didn’t seem to bother to turn her inner wrists facing each other to reduce the risk of cutting off the blood supply to her hands. (He did in a subsequent scene.)

*
After hitting Ana on the hand, open palm, with a riding crop, he asked her if it hurt, to which she replied it did not. As a painslut masochistic bottom, I know that sound. Maybe it didn’t raise her pain sensors to the point of a battle cry, but it was a nice little hand slap. Christian then told her, “See?” that her fear was just in her head. Well, isn’t that the home base of fear, in one’s mind? Something about this line didn’t sit well with me. Perhaps it was the easy dismissal of a potentially real, valid and solidly based fear she was feeling with a simple, “It’s all in your head” line.

*
One scene involved a belting. This happened almost immediately after a heated discussion between the two main characters. They move directly into an intense physical pain play scene directly on the heels of a highly emotionally charged moment. If we are to contend that play while under the influence of alcohol or drugs is dangerous, by all means, playing while under the influence of such intense emotion can also be seen as a much higher risk activity. My rule: never hit while emotional. Never. Just don’t.

Side note: The belting scene greatly reminded me of the belting scene(s) in A Dangerous Method, a movie with some strong elements of kink, specifically S&M.

*
After one particular punishment scene, Christian jumps up and leaves his hopeful submissive to basically fend for herself. The level of aftercare given, if it can count as any at all, was a dismal example of such.

On the punishment note, my owner fondly called what Christian Grey did, “funishment,” a term sometimes used in the kink community to describe a “punishment” that a submissive (or slave or bottom, etc.) may actually crave, thereby lowering it’s effect as actual punishment. This term was coined by a kinkster in a personal article.

————————-

There were some elements of the movie I could greatly appreciate.

What I liked

*
For example, Christian Grey’s dungeon was a work of art. When he first opened the door to his play room and the camera panned, I nearly went into a space (similar to subspace) right on the spot. The dark lighting… velvety textures… the perfectly aligned assortment of floggers… leather, horsehair… the cat-o-nine tails… chain… a colossal medieval style 4-poster bed… I could only imagine the intoxicating scent of leather permeating the walls and seeping out into the air, creating an instant addiction to the awaiting sensual energy for anyone who entered. I must say bravo to the art director for creating the type of space every kinky player would love to have in their own home.

*
I loved that Christian and Ana engaged in great foreplay before some of their play (or playful interactions). Some of their dialogue and casual PDA was a welcome element in this movie. On a darker side, the art of the mindfuck is one of the greatest skills a dominant can learn, and lines like “If you were mine, you wouldn’t be able to sit for a week.” are certainly panty-wetting material.

*
After the aforementioned belting scene, Ana had what one might call a bad reaction. Her resulting wrath could have stemmed from any number of reasons beyond what happened during the scene alone, but what I’m not 100% sure the producers realized is that her reaction isn’t necessarily an uncommon occurrence. Many of us have reacted to what might otherwise be called “play” with unexpected behavior. This scene could be looked upon as a horror story, but as a submissive and masochistic bottom, I can attest to it’s realistic possibility and appreciate the dialogue that scene can inspire.

*
Regarding that same scene, I will give credit for the aftercare Christian attempted to provide. Ana was quite obviously upset after the scene, but he put forth the effort to comfort her, an effort she vehemently rejected. Even after this, as Ana laid holding tightly to her pillow, Christian made a second attempt to provide her with some emotional support, another attempt rejected by Ana. When it comes to aftercare, one can only hope one’s partner puts forth a valiant effort. (If the movie had continued, I would have expected further attempts at aftercare well beyond these short moments.)

*
I also appreciate that the FSoG film did not limit the D/s interactions to the physical realm. Some of their play was sexually driven, no doubt, but not all of it was. They both seemed to enjoy at least parts of the mental and emotional interplay that so many lifestylers also enjoy.


Questions

The incredible pre-movie release rumblings almost overwhelmingly cast the FSoG movie into the dimmest light possible. Attempts at remaining unbiased, unswayed by the steely opinions of others was a tough challenge, but being often highly opinionated myself, I was able to keep somewhat of a neutral mind. I viewed this movie with anticipation while holding on to a healthy dose of skepticism. In the end, I’ve had to ask myself some challenging questions.

Was this movie about BDSM?

My answer is a clear and easy and resounding NO. This movie was about propelling the success of a book trilogy and padding the pockets of it’s creators. It’s that simple. The BDSM I’ve known for many years may have been portrayed in a similar manner in the film, but a 2-hour movie does NOT my lifestyle represent fully by any means. Forgive me if I am among those who are protective of this life we live, but we are so for reasons such as this movie and all the fantasy Hollywood hype surrounding it. We are not a script. We are mothers and bosses and neighbors who happen to live a lifestyle that not many understand, and we are generally OK with that.

On the other hand, as stated previously, one cannot simply ignore the representation of kink offered in this film, whether one agrees with said representation or not. FSoG is here and it is on very, very large screens across the country and many parts of the world. It is not to be denied. Our mission is to now determine how we will react to it.

Was there abuse?

In short, yes, there was abuse. But I dare say, there was not the form of abuse I’ve seen so many rant about in the book. Perhaps it’s my negligence for not reading the book and only relying on what I saw on screen, and I admit this fully, but the abuse I ascertained from the film is clearly outlined in sections above in this review.

Christian and Anastasia are adults making the life decisions adults make, with the addition of kink. Clearly Ana cannot (and should not) sign a contract detailing items of which she knows nothing about (graphic and likely intense BDSM matters), as I probably shouldn’t have signed the gazillion contracts when I closed on a house, as I didn’t understand even a third of what I was Jane Hancock’ing.

I’m making light. Still, neither of us was coerced into these acts to a level I’d label as abusive. Out of the many BDSM dynamics I’ve seen and heard tale of beginning, Christian and Ana’s start did not set of any drastic alarm bells for me, and I left my “pushover” days behind ages ago. I’m the one who tells submissives, especially female subs, to snap back to reality and to remain well-grounded and of sound mind.

The elements of the movie which I believe to show some level of abuse are outlined within this review, but I cannot easily co-sign on the general “50 Shades is abuse” train of thought when it comes to the movie.

BDSM without love and romance

(…it can and does happen and is not at all uncommon or wrong.)

The FSoG movie detailed a lot of turmoil within the main character, although it was draped and partially hidden by the whole D/s quest. He rejected the idea of love and romance, especially when it comes to women, and the women he wanted to serve him as his submissive. We were given a glimpse into Christian’s difficult early life, but I’m not sure we were given the complete link into why he chose to remain so aloof.

Still, the movie did manage, maybe by accident(?), to show that D/s can be done without involvement of one’s romantic heart. Whether it showed this successfully or not is a different story, but I can appreciate that at least a little fantasy was removed. Had it not been, the movie may have gone the full trek of “man meets woman becomes dominant then marries her, white picket fence, rides off into the sunset” fantasy that some hopefuls may have paid to see.

Also, it certainly leaves us wide open to receive the sequel… something I believe is sure to happen.

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Why I Hate Kink Memes… with Visuals! http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/hate-kink-memes-visuals/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/hate-kink-memes-visuals/#comments Thu, 12 Feb 2015 16:55:04 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=4249 Meme, pronounced meem, is defined as “a humorous image, video, piece of text, etc. that is copied (often with slight variations) and spread rapidly by...

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Meme, pronounced meem, is defined as “a humorous image, video, piece of text, etc. that is copied (often with slight variations) and spread rapidly by Internet users.” In the kink community, memes abound. There are so many, in fact, it seems there should be a manned & well-guarded virtual mega warehouse in which to store them all.

You can find kink memes in lots of social media outlets, but I’d dare say Tumblr, Pinterest and Twitter are the primary sources for the shared images. When I say shared, I mean a single image can end up being liked, reblogged, pinned, retweeted and posted upwards of tens of thousands of times… a single image!

Opinions ahead!

Opinions ahead!

So let’s dive right into these memes and why I might make such a big hooplah over them. Some example images are provided below.

Note — there are definitely exceptions to my angst against the meme culture, as some kink imagery is actually very on-point, inspirational and educational.

I hate kink memes… for reasons

[1] I have a passion for the BDSM lifestyle. It’s more than what I do, it’s how I live and it’s long since become a part of who I am. I can be lighthearted and casual, but I most definitely take my kink seriously. Kink memes are one of the absolute last sources for lifestyle information one should ever seek. Many are misleading at best, while others are outright faulty.

[2] As a POC, person of color, I am often faced with a glaring lack of diversity within the kink community. Without having done the verifiable statistical analysis, instead using my eyes after having seen literally hundreds of kink memes, I have witnessed that 90% or greater of kink memes fail to include ANY POCs. This is a problem. Kinky persons of color exist and are a solid and integral part of the community at large. Diversity in kink is needed and should be represented in all facets of the lifestyle, including imagery.

Now this is a good kink meme!

Now this is a good kink meme!

[3] The white bodies represented in kink memes overwhelmingly portray svelte (skinny!) women — almost always naked, faces showing — laying lazily at the lap of faceless men in suits. Anyone who has ever attended a kink event knows just how beyond silly this portrayal of kink is. Kinksters look like…… I cannot even complete this sentence because there is, and never has been, a standard look for kinksters. We are everyday people… not airbrushed or perfectly posed for the camera.

[4] While I am all for romance and the lovey dovey, love and romance are not the focal points of power exchange, yet the majority of kink memes would have one believe the lifestyle is, similar to eHarmony, an eKink service where a damsel can come to find her (always her) savior, her knight, her One. I must believe these memes are being created by those who are deep into the romantic novel culture, constantly seeking thrills and forever in fantasy land.

[5] Many “kink” memes are really not even kink-related at all! They may fit into a generic “erotic” category, but many don’t depict anything remotely kinky as we know it. A thin white woman lightly touching her clit with a finger is not BDSM, it’s a thin white woman lightly touching her clit with a finger. But add a cute phrase or poem and suddenly the meme is labeled as kink. It’s so very… 50shady.

meme-fisherman

You almost had it!

[6] “You almost had it!” …is what I say to many, many kink memes. The text is frequently so pretty, so flowery, so cutesie… and could actually be very helpful if only the author didn’t go off key and destroy the original meaning. If you say the sky is blue, I can work with that. But if you say the sky is blue and it is falling, then we have an issue. This is the plight of many memes.

[7] The text of a good number of memes speaks in absolutes. Much like #6 where meaning can be destroyed, the use of terms like always, never, forever, must, and my favorites — real and true — can sink an otherwise decent meme into the shadowy, cold pit of ridiculousness.

I am sorely unimpressed by this brand of kink imagery that seems to have inundated the kink world. I dismiss it and speak out against it. I may be seen as the crotchety old lady who just won’t get with the program, but my preferred program involves more realism… digging into the lifestyle, learning it, living it, loving it. I will not change.

Let’s enjoy a few samples!

So "true" ? Very 50'ish. Very confusing. Well... hmm.. NO. Just no. Limiting, romantic & not quite right. Any of these words could be flipped. Ancient Egyptian... Well hey there, Patriarchy. Drunk indeed.

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Vulnerable Leaders http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/vulnerable-leaders/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/vulnerable-leaders/#comments Fri, 06 Feb 2015 04:15:24 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=4240 Doms and showing vulnerability. Continue reading

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Fearless. Initiative. Leader. Strong. Respected. Caring.

These are some of the words attached to what a Dom would be. If you asked any sub to describe their Dom in one word, you may hear the above mentioned words or their synonyms and similar adjectives.

What about vulnerable?

Any sub that uses that word to describe their Dom, or more importantly, any Dom feels they can be with their sub?

There is a perspective that when you in charge and in control of a sub’s mind, body and sexual experience; you are never to show sign of weakness. They trust you to lead them.

But what about life’s growing concerns? You live and encounter problems and issues that may test you. If you pack that away and focus on your role as your sub’s leader, it’s a double edged sword.

You may keep your flailing state away from your play or D/s relationship but will inevitably affect it. If you’re not in a great mind state, you are more dangerous than an inexperienced Dom.

I believe Doms as strong, fearless and command respect beings; they should learn to show vulnerability to their sub. They should afford their sub that trust that despite how much they excel in their role, they are still human. They feel and think more than just be.

If a sub knows that their Dom has some sort of vulnerability, they know how to serve them better and reassure them (reassurance is two way) that they will stay loyal and abide by their Dom’s request.

As important as it is for any other relationship, in D/s, communication is paramount. Trust and honesty are perched on the same high pedestal. All these, start from within.

You communicating with your sub about concerns and issues you may be facing, grows the trust and bond between you two. Your sub is not only in your care but someone who also cares about the person they trusted with their lives. Someone they trust with their lives. Be honest with yourself and your sub.

The fear of the sub being delinquent if a Dom shows vulnerability is human error. We’re used to people taking advantage of others weakness. In The Life, there’s no such. It’s a constant building each other community.

A sub desires and wants to serve their Dom. They revel in making their Dom proud of them. As a Dom, showing vulnerability makes you human. Not mechanic. You feel. You connect with your sub. You are a special human to your sub.

Don’t be afraid of showing vulnerability of raising concerns with your sub, not only are you cheating your sub of fully serving you but you cheating yourself of a possible unbreakable mental and emotional connection you can build with your sub.

You and your sub are in a safe space.

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Doms and Depression http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/doms-depression/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/doms-depression/#comments Thu, 29 Jan 2015 00:56:39 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=4234 My Intro to BDSM and dealing with depression whilst within the lifestyle. Continue reading

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At first look, it was just latex, whips, chains and rough sex.

I didn’t picture it being an integral part of my life, let alone the only type of life I wanted and yearned to live.

domsdep-shiny-newIt was through a social network, Twitter, that I piqued the interest of one of my followers via one of the daily topics about sex where I used words like, “Punish” and “Dominate”. A bit of a convo in my DMs led to me being expose to a kink blog.

Through the reading, I related deeply to the male main character. His shoes were mine. His thoughts were mine. I was him.

No lie, some of the things caught me by surprise but they also excited me. The control. The responsibility. The after care. The domination. That was me.

I started researching more, reading more and fitting my character to figure out what type of Dom I am.

The same follower, who introduced me to BDSM, became my sub. I trained her, I guided her, she was Mine. The experience was thrilling. It was a discovery I embraced and loved. I felt I finally found myself.

I could go back to vanilla relationships, but it wasn’t something I was looking to do again.

I had to relinquish my sub from what I thought was a bad space but it was actually depression.

Fast forward to meeting the person I regard as the love of my life. We were good as vanilla but astoundingly great as D/s. I loved her before she became my sub and loved her more as my sub. She was in my care, in my control; she was Mine.

I was her first Dom, she was my second sub in my life. We learnt about each other as people and more so in our roles. We grew together. We even joined BDSM groups to further our knowledge and strengthen our holistic relationship.

I fell into what doctors describe as clinical depression. My psychiatrist, mentioned that I’ve had it for a long time in my life but I didn’t know I was depressed and discarded it as fatigue.

I miss my sub.

I have thus learnt that depression affects not only the person but whoever cares AND is in their care.

domsdep-black-heartYour responsibility as a Dom is critical in your sub’s life and well being. You are to lead your sub. In the same breath, you are human as well. You will encounter life’s problems. And as much as you are to be a fearless leader in your sub’s eyes, being human and vulnerable is nothing to be ashamed of. Let your sub serve you the best way they can. They are not there only to serve your hunger as a Dom only, they are there to serve the human being they trusted with their lives.

Losing a sub you love and had fallen in love with is a hard pill to swallow. I learnt the hard way & I urge all Doms that, never forget your sub’s role in your D/s relationship but most importantly, NEVER for one second think any human weakness is a threat to your control over them.

I have thus managed to get therapy and a number of friends who listen and understand my depression. I fight it daily but I wish I knew a sub will fight side by side with me as much as she’ll kneel to me, she was always my pillar of strength.

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Your BDSM Personal Concerns List http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/bdsm-personal-concerns-list/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/bdsm-personal-concerns-list/#comments Wed, 28 Jan 2015 15:06:59 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=4202 It seems there’s a list or guideline or acronym for all things kinky. There’s a good reason for it — lists and such are great...

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It seems there’s a list or guideline or acronym for all things kinky. There’s a good reason for it — lists and such are great tools in understanding and communication, two vital aspects of anyone’s successful lifestyle experience. A list can help share information with a partner in a neat, concise, easily understandable way.

pclist-smlistYou’re likely familiar with hard & soft limits lists — a hard limits list including activities that are non-negotiable, and a soft limits list including items that may be of concern, but open to negotiation. There is one more list that may be of real benefit to kinky folks, especially those who participate in some level of bondage and/or S&M play: a list of personal concerns.
 

concern, n. – a matter of interest or importance to someone.

 

What is it about?

A personal concerns list should include bits of information that are of relevance to well-being, be it yours or that of your partner or both. Note, “well-being” includes physical, mental and emotional aspects. It is not a hard or soft limits list, nor a kink/experience list or wish list; consider it to be more akin to a “Things You Might Want To Be Aware Of” list. It can make a great companion piece to, or even be merged with a negotiations list.

Here’s an example:

Personal Concerns List (for example usage)

  1. Sugar drops – On occasion, my sugar will drop. When this happens, I tend to get shaky and weak. My hands may appear to shake. I usually feel it coming on and can verbalize it. Typically, having a sugary beverage or a snack will quickly remedy this with no further attention needed.
  2. Right knee – I have an old knee injury and have had 3 surgeries on my right knee. Keeping it bent for more than about 30 minutes causes pain for which I need medicine.
  3. Claustrophobia – I have a fear of closed spaces (closet size) and tend to panic more when the space is dark and unknown.

Additional example items:

    pclist-list

  • Heart issues? Other?
  • Are you on meds? Do they dull you?
  • Are you prone to fainting?
  • Light allergies (meds, foods, animals, latex, etc.)
  • Severe allergies (need shots or other?)
  • PTSD, any psychoses
  • Brittle bones, arthritis, etc.
  • Bad past experience, former abuse
  • Infections, infection risk and safety
  • Hair issues (this is real to many)
  • Being identified/outed
  • Nosy neighbors (need extra discretion)

The above list is a sample of items that may be of concern to partners in a kink dynamic, even a brief or temporary one such as a one-time play partnership. Note that each item lists clearly what the concern is, what the concern means to the writer, and even what can be done in case it should ever come up and need attention. Anything of issue can be added to one’s personal concerns list… your triggers, past experiences, etc… just remember to keep the items relevant to your current (& future) kink life, i.e., what might my partner(s) need to know about me that is relevant to our interactions. Keep in mind: clear & concise; this is not meant to be a journal entry.

Who is this for?

A personal concerns list is first and foremost for the person writing it. If for nothing else, use it as a way to remember things you may wish to share with a partner. A personal concerns list is for one’s partners so that they are more thoroughly risk-aware (see RACK, or risk-aware consensual kink). It is for new D/s and play partners who are less familiar with you. It is for long-term partners who may need to be kept abreast of your changes (new health concerns, etc.).

What to do with it

Keep your personal concerns list as a running list, edited and updated as often as needed for conciseness and clarity. Share it with partners during casual talk or serious negotiations. Write it out and send it to a prospective play partner to read over at their leisure. Share it with lifestyle friends to discuss, as oftentimes an objective view lends even more clarity.

Call it what you’d like

You can call this a Personal Concerns List or anything you’d like. Here are a few other easy titles.

  • List of Concerns
  • Concerns Clause
  • PC List
  • The More You Know (?)

the_more_you_know


What items are on your personal concerns list?

 

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kinkyButterfly’s Kink Resume http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-revelations/kinkybutterflys-kink-resume/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-revelations/kinkybutterflys-kink-resume/#comments Thu, 13 Nov 2014 04:12:59 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=4180 I got the idea to complete my full BDSM resume from a femdom who shared hers with me. I realized my Kink List really was...

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I got the idea to complete my full BDSM resume from a femdom who shared hers with me. I realized my Kink List really was an incomplete view into my broader kink image and just how valuable it could be to have a written history and declaration of one’s kink status.

I recommend this to everyone! and that definitely includes newcomers even more so. Don’t be put off by thinking your resume won’t include much. We –all– start one step at a time. Even your “interests list” can be a part of your kink resume. Just get started and watch it grow over time.

 

kinkyButterfly’s Kink Resume

 

LIFE & LIFESTYLE IDENTITY

Female

Submissive

Slave

Bottom

Playmate

Masochist

Exhibitionist

Pansexual

Polyadventurous

PERSONAL OBJECTIVES

As a submissive, my objective is to continue in service fueled by sincere enthusiasm and passion with a focus on an increase in personal excellence.

PERSONAL MOTTO/SLOGAN

I am becoming what I am to be.” – my long-held motto since my earliest days in the lifestyle. I value expertise & experience in the lifestyle, and I also value growth. I believe that the moment one thinks they’ve learned all they need to know, their usefulness begins to decrease. I am a proponent of learning, adjusting, growing, and my journey in the lifestyle is happily ongoing… always a work in progress, and I am forever a student.

LIFESTYLE FOCI

Protection of core and foundational values of BDSM

Expression of and maintaining submissive self-worth

Fantasy vs real life practical application of D/s

Maintaining and increasing personal value in D/s via learning

POC in the lifestyle: visibility, prominence, acceptance and normality

SKILLS

  • Japanese bondage – Kinbaku (Shibari)
  • Practice bottom and rope bottom
  • Topping (including erotic humiliation, watersports, objectification and choking)
  • Scene preparation (tool/toy placement, hardware, room arrangement, lighting, sounds, scents)
  • Post-scene wrap up (cleaning up, returning living conditions to “normal”)
  • Protocol levels – low/casual to high/formal
  • Tool/toy handling – procurement, cleaning, maintenance, proper layout, storage (including rope bundling)
  • Creation of new tools and toys, plus tool/toy improvement via upcycling, recycling and remaking
  • Written contracts (including formal petitions for service and ownership)
  • Meal and drink service (from tea to libation)
  • Personal assistant and management

EXPERIENCE

I have engaged in the lifestyle in some capacity since 1998 including the following roles: service submissive (domesticity, comfort, etc.), sensual/sexual submissive, sensual bottom, painslut masochist, demo bottom (rope, etc.), practice bottom (impact play, etc.), contractual slave (9 years and 1 year), property and switch (top). I have experience in serving in a low, medium and high protocol capacity, as well as 24/7, long-distance and live-in D/s dynamics.

Activities

Below is a non-exhaustive list of activities in which I have directly participated (if it’s on this list, I have done it or had it done to me):

  • Impact play with implements including, but definitely not limited to: floggers, canes, crops, paddles (leather, wooden, rubber, etc), whips, belts, straps
  • Impact play with the hands, specifically spanking and slapping (ass, thighs, pussy)
  • Bondage, light to heavy (rope, chain, bondage tape, clothing, wrist/ankle/thigh/thumb cuffs, bed systems, door systems, spreader bars, etc)
  • Predicament bondage
  • Hair bondage
  • Hair pulling
  • Collar and leash
  • Crawling (on command, via pulling, etc)
  • Orgasm control – by force and/or denial, including edging (via voice, touch, magic wand, etc)
  • Sensory deprivation (sight, touch, hearing via masks, music, etc)
  • Anal/ass play
  • Anal hook
  • Body worship (including hands & feet, massages)
  • Humiliation, erotic humiliation
  • Fisting (vaginal)
  • Slapping (face and body)
  • Choking and various other forms of breath play
  • Bastinado
  • Biting (being bitten)
  • Gags (bit, rope, cloth, ball, bondage tape)
  • Hoods (open-face & full head)
  • Collars (formal, casual and play; leather, chain, chrome and cloth)
  • Tails (full buttplug fox tail wearing for short and extended times)
  • Terror play including knife play, water play (waterboarding, showering), interrogations, etc.
  • Sensation play (electroplay), including: Violet wand, Twilight wand, TENS unit, fly zapper
  • Sensation play (temperature), including: hot wax, figging, ice (including ice dildo making and usage), spicy/stinging rubs, essential oils, fire play
  • Sensation play (sharps), including: Wartenberg wheel, metal claws, Vampire gloves, knives/swords
  • Resistance play/FSRP (forced sex role-play aka rape play)
  • Role-play – eg, rough play as currency scene, etc; animal role-play (puppy play)
  • Functional objectification (use as various types of furniture, etc)
  • Sexual objectification (used as a sexual being)
  • Discipline & punishment
  • Prostate massage & milking
  • Bootblacking
  • Shaving (head/face/pubes), foot care & other intimate body care
  • Clamps (including clover, nipple-to-clit, clothespins, chopsticks, etc.)
  • Marking – temporary such as bruising to longer-lasting like scarification (cellpopping, specifically)
  • GS/WS (golden showers/watersports – taste, touch, smell)
  • Bladder/bathroom denial & control
  • Multiples (sexual) – threesomes (3 MMF, 2 MFF)
  • Multiples (S&M) – co-topping, receiving (from commands to impact play – dual flogging, etc. – to sexual acts)
  • Multiples (S&M) – co-topping, giving (topping assistance given to 2 Dommes)
  • Submissive/slave kneeling (et al) positions
  • Anonymous play
  • 50’s style household
  • Adult toys (suction bulb, insertables, etc.)
  • Large furniture (St. Andrew’s cross, wooden pony, stockade, spanking bench, kneeling bench, massage table, etc)
  • Suspension (ceiling hook/overhead systems)
  • Voyeurism & exhibitionism
  • Public play within the scope of kink (dungeons, play parties, videoing)
  • Pictures and video production (scene capturing)
  • Meal and drink service
  • Verbal commands
  • Physical commands (motion, signal, hand)
  • Written commands
  • Journaling (kink-related like scene retelling, task completion, etc)
  • Furniture privileges (privilege of furniture use and use of other conveniences)
  • Witnessed pony play (complete pony girl show)

LIMITS

My limits list is located here: Evolution of My Kink List.

WISHLIST

  • Fire play, specifically florentine fire flogging
  • Abduction/kidnapping
  • Needle play

EXTENDED BACKGROUND to CURRENT

I officially entered the realm of kink in 1998 (maybe 99′) via online BDSM-specific chat rooms at a site called Chatropolis. I immediately ventured out by researching facets of the lifestyle. My second earliest learning resource was a website called The Castle Realm (after which I’ve named my website, The Kink Realm), which served as a fantastic kink newcomer reference point. I soon began to network with other kinky POC by attending Black lifestyle chats (some type, some voice) on AOL, Paltalk and Yahoo. I joined numerous Black groups online and ran my own as well for several years with 800+ members, holding a weekly voice chat with guests like Gloria Brame and Jay Wiseman for over 2 years. I also helped to establish a national POC kink event. My earliest favorite kinkster was (is) Viola Johnson.

I ventured into “real life” BDSM quickly with my then partner and subsequent play partners. I attended the Black Sensuality greet held by the Black Sensuality D/s and BDSM group at the Black Rose conference in 2001. I have attended munches of 3 groups in my state, seminars/training (bullwhipping, law enforcement safety and kink, etc) as well as dungeons/play parties. I have otherwise served and played in small groups and privately.

I currently run a BDSM resource website which houses over 100 articles I’ve written (plus guest contributions) called The Kink Realm. I also manage my Tumblr website where I have completed over 400 posts with hundreds of my kink and scene related pictures. I have also made (with my partners) 4 videos including 2 flogging, 1 caning and 1 spanking.

I coined the term “v-type” (a vanilla, non-kinky person) (2013).

I coined the term “inkspace” (similar to subspace, the euphoria post tattoo work) (2015).

I coined the term “exposure play” (commanded exposure with risk of being caught) (2015).

I coined the term “Downward-facing Dom” (a play on the yoga pose term) (2015).

I run the following kink projects:

Mentioned as a kink resource (both The Kink Realm and individually) in Marie Claire magazine article “Before You Try BDSM Read This…” Feb. 2015

I greatly enjoy mentoring others in the lifestyle, particularly newcomers and may be known for my quirky, off-brand, yet traditional, core-based D/s style.

RELEVANT LINKS

The Kink Realm – My BDSM resource site –http://www.thekinkrealm.com

Evolution of My Kink List – Extended kink list information, specifically my limits – http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-revelations/evolution-of-my-kink-list/

kinkyButterfly.com (at Tumblr) – All (100’s of) my kinky pictures and videos – http://www.kinkybutterfly.com

 


 

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A Submissive Instruction Manual http://www.thekinkrealm.com/submissively-speaking/submissive-instruction-manual/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/submissively-speaking/submissive-instruction-manual/#comments Wed, 05 Nov 2014 14:21:02 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=4161 The question reads, If you came with an instruction manual, what would be in it? What a great question. Wouldn’t it be nice to simply...

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manualThe question reads, If you came with an instruction manual, what would be in it? What a great question. Wouldn’t it be nice to simply hand over your professionally bound, typewritten and outlined submissive instruction manual to your (potential) dominant and say “This is how I work!” Think about it… a detailed manual could actually be a compilation of information — the submissive manifesto slash owner’s manual slash service manual slash instruction manual.

But for now, let’s KISS (keep it simple stupid). Below is how my manual would read. It’s almost as much a listing of how to care for me within our D/s spectrum as it is a guide of how I, as a submissive, hope for my dominant to address his role.

My Submissive Instruction Manual

Be honest.

A dishonest dominant is easily the worst type of paradox we have in this kinky lifestyle. Please maintain the integrity of your role with me by not abusing my trust and faith in you. By being dishonest, you not only tarnish my respect for you, but you weaken our D/s bond. Just be honest.

Participate fully.

At any given moment, I may be more submissive to you than you are dominant to me and vice versa. D/s is an ebb and flow of power and to expect it to be perfectly 50/50 at all times is unrealistic. However, I need you to be a solid participant in our D/s dynamic. I will be your submissive, but I need you to be my dominant — active, happily participatory, engaged, invested, passionate and working sincerely toward our success. Be my dominant.

Allow me to fail.

We all miss the mark from time to time. While I may strive toward what is typically known as “perfect submission,” Understand that I remain a fallible human and will stumble on occasion. Please allow me the space to fall gracefully, then assist me in rising again in a way that helps me to improve both myself and my service to you.

Allow me to succeed.

manual-checkAs your submissive, I want to serve you well. It’s that simple. While some D-types employ tactics like testing their submissive, please do not participate in sabotaging the very thing you expect from me – my enthusiastic submission to you. Let me know when I’ve served you well just as quickly as you point out my reasonable shortcomings, and don’t place stumbling blocks along my path to improved submission.

Say yes.

Say yes to my request because I’ve completed a task on time. Say yes because I didn’t repeat a common mistake of mine for the last 2 days. Say yes because my efforts warrant it. Say yes just because it’s nice to receive a “Yes” on occasion.

Say no.

Worse than not being told “Yes” is not being told “No.” As your submissive, I need to know, feel, understand you are actively in charge and take your position seriously. Allowing me my every whim makes me believe you may not be fully invested in your role as a dominant, as my dominant, and/or in me as your submissive. Just say no.

Define my role.

I come to you as a person of strength with beliefs and opinions. I have my certain ways that I bring. But within our D/s relationship, I need for you to actively define my role as your submissive. What makes me your submissive and not just a vanilla friend? Remind me that you need me to be your submissive. Regularly place a collar on my neck. Establish and enforce our protocols. Have me kneel for you. Assign my resting place by your feet. Show me how to serve you.

Challenge me.

manual-challengeThe more I learn you, the better I can serve you, but an occasional deviation from your (/our) typical ways can help to keep me on my submissive toes. Try something different, surprise me, or do something outside of what I’d normally expect to help me improve and increase my submission to you in ways that offer a challenge to me.

Also…

If I’ve done well, reward me.

If I’ve done poorly, discipline me.

If I am feeling needy, put on my collar and hold me.

If I am a masochist, give me pain.

If I am feeling caged, allow me a little freedom.

If I am horny, make me cum.

In all things, allow me to submit to you.
 


What would your Submissive Instruction Manual include?

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BDSM – The Art of The Crawl http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/i-love-the-way-you-crawl/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/i-love-the-way-you-crawl/#comments Wed, 05 Nov 2014 02:20:00 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=4059 Crawling, like many things we do, can be an art form. Like most, I learned how to crawl very early in life, but it was...

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crawl-hesaid

Crawling, like many things we do, can be an art form.

Like most, I learned how to crawl very early in life, but it was years later that I recognized crawling as a skill. As art allows for expression, there are a multitude ways to crawl that encompass more than a simple placing of one knee before the other.

Madonna taught me

…a soaked Madonna, wearing the same black leather, sleeveless catsuit, like a stalking cat, is shown crawling on the floor among her furniture, like under the table with lightning flashing, along with a brief scene through a clear globe held up by 3 male statues…1

 

crawling

The first time I watched Madonna’s “Express Yourself” video, I began to understand how important motion is. During her slow, sultry crawl, she made every move sleek, cunning, deliberate and unmistakable.

View the Express Yourself video starting at time 3:13, the beginning of the crawl. Imagine crawling to your Dominant that way.

The Crawl

The sophistication of the crawl involves only as much complexity or simplicity as you put into it. Different ways of crawling come from different purposes and engage varying levels of what is typically seen as sexiness.

crawling-bTake the Slow & Sultry crawl as seen above. There are so many motions involved in this crawl: eyes forward, head slightly elevated, mid back sloping down into a deep curve, shoulders rounding, arms reaching, hips high. It seems impossible to reach such perfection in crawling — to mimic Madonna’s motions — but just incorporating some of this style into a basic crawl can instantly catapult the sexy status to a higher level. No two bodies being alike, note what motions look and feel sexiest during your own crawling. This crawl should exhibit all of your passion. Let the movements make the entire body appear is if it’s an aerodynamic work of art.

There’s the more Utilitarian/Functional crawl — the crawl that serves a specific purpose or aids in a duty. One example of this style is to serve an item while crawling, or at the end of a crawl. Pulling off this crawl well involves presenting an item in a pleasing fashion in addition to working to master the mechanics of the Slow & Sultry crawl. The presentation part can be done in various ways: placing the item between the teeth, balanced carefully on the head, resting on the back between the shoulder blades, or even on the ass. The crawling part can be done as usual on all fours, but can also be done on just threes! With a little strength and balance, an item can be carried in one hand while the opposite and and both knees do all the work of crawling. This requires a bit of extra focus on one’s alignment while in motion, but what a great skill to achieve.

Then you have the Follow The Leader crawl, where the dominant partner is leading the submissive partner by a leash, hair, or other on all fours. This style of crawling could be seen as partly for function and majorly for entertainment (or even discipline, punishment or humiliation). You may be familiar with the loud result of being firmly pulled behind a determined top, working hard to keep up with his/her pace, knees clonking along trying to match the steps and hands heavily slapping the floor in a concert of ungainliness.  This style of crawling can be clumsily awkward and even a bit painful, especially on solid, unpadded surfaces. While most subs/bottoms may wish to present as more sexy-looking and less silly-looking, not every action of a s-type is meant to be for pretty purposes. This crawl can serve it’s purpose(s) well.

Practice Makes Pleasing

Truly, the best way to attain a desired level of skill in crawling is to practice it. In the best case scenario, a long and large mirror is available, along with nicely padded/carpeted floors and someone to give honest, constructive feedback. In lieu of best case, a hallway with room for a couple of body lengths of crawling and comfortable flooring is good. Knee pads are always an option, but may be bulky and make what was supposed to be a Slow & Sultry crawl a clumsy Follow The Leader crawl instead. If you’re lucky enough to have a D-type working with or training you, their input could be crucial, especially since they can give you tips on what is most pleasing to them specifically. There is always the option of videoing yourself and reviewing the footage on your own as well.

crawling-catWhile practicing, move in a style similar to that of a cat, taking note of the movement of the head and keeping the shoulders from tightening up. Keep the shoulders and hips moving consistently and in unison. Practice balancing on all fours then move to practicing crawling on threes as described in the Utilitarian/Functional crawl section above. Are your fingers together? Are your knees and feet lifting or dragging across the floor? Are your eyes sternly focused ahead (if allowed)?

Practice to the highest level what motions work best for your body, your desired outcome, and most importantly, toward whatever is most pleasing to the one(s) you serve.

Thanks to my owner for the inspiration for this article, and for actually complimenting my crawling. :)

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14 Reasons to Take Kinky Pictures http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/14-reasons-take-kinky-pictures/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/14-reasons-take-kinky-pictures/#comments Sun, 02 Nov 2014 18:29:46 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=4177 In this day of technology and the Internet, it only takes a click or two to come across a plethora of adult-oriented images. That certainly...

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In this day of technology and the Internet, it only takes a click or two to come across a plethora of adult-oriented images. That certainly includes the world of kink and fetishes — there’s an abundance of pictures out there from the most simple to the most extreme. Whatever your preference, seek and ye shall likely find readily available, in full color and downloadable.

So why an article about taking kinky pictures and adding to the already dense pool of wonderful picture perversions? I’ll give you a few reasons… even 14.

A few words…

Picture taking is a personal and intimate act, selfies included. A picture can capture the most minute detail you could share with another… things the naked eye may even miss. But note, there is a difference between taking pictures and posting pictures. Going as far as securing a website (free or paid) and posting pictures online or in publications is an additional and optional step beyond what may be comfortable for some. This article addresses both — taking pictures for personal use as well as sharing/posting pictures for public viewing. These thoughts are from the perspective of a kinky POC female submissive with many years of picture taking under her belt. YMMV.

Before you begin…

Remember that once you take a picture and post it online, IT IS PERMANENT. Even if you change your mind, no matter how quickly you click the delete button, there is always a chance it was seen and even screenshotted by another set of human eyes, saved on their personal device and shared with others.

Be sure you are comfortable with taking & posting images of yourself. In our lifestyle, some may have concerns over being outed (family/child matters, employment, social involvements), and pictures can move mountains, sometimes right into one’s path.

Reasons to take pictures

1. Exhibitionism

If you have even the slightest tinge of exhibitionist inside you, pictures are a fantastic way to explore presentation. Whether you take pics for yourself or for your audience, the more eyes on your images, the more your exhibitionism is fed. In addition, if you’re not one for bright lights, stages and the like, private picture taking is a way to enjoy exhibitionism without the pressure of a live performance.

2. Voyeurism

Exhibitionists have to appreciate their voyeuristic counterparts. Consider pictures as an offering, even a gift, to those wonderful viewers.

3. Public, but not

Pictures allows you to play for the public without actually playing in public. As with exhibitionism, you can have an audience for which to perform and take pictures without the additional pressure, stress or fear of performing for a live set.

4. Memories

Pictures are (or can be) forever. With photos, days, months & even years later, you can look back on pictures of that special scene and cherish it even more.

5. Documentation

Alongside written documentation, pictures easily and greatly extend one’s journaling capabilities.

6. Picture proof

A picture will show you, beyond any doubt, things you didn’t realize or know about your scene. For example, many times I felt I was in a certain position during a scene. Upon viewing the pictures of play, I could see for certain that my position was actually different from what I’d perceived. The pictures helped me to understand how that positioning (and my perception of it) possibly affected both play and my responses.

7. Future reference

Pictures allow you easy, low-stress time to review the captured activities. You can study what you see in the pictures, and even make adjustments accordingly for the next play time.

8. D/s vs SM

It’s much easier to capture action shots (as in many things SM-related) than it is to capture D/s stills — shots exhibiting protocols, personal structure, “Yes Sir,” ownership and emotional & mental involvement. Whenever possible, stills are a great addition to one’s personal collection as well as for the community at large.

9. Inspire someone

On this you can bet: for every picture you share, at least one person receives something from it. That may be the slight push they needed to accept themselves more, the motivation to do more lifestyle research, the spark to get them more active, or even the inspiration to take pics of their own to share and inspire the next person.

10. Diversity

There is always a shortage of imagery of kinky POC. Each image you share of your kinky existence as a POC makes way for another POC to possibly feel more comfortable within the lifestyle.

11. Body image

While most everyone has at least a slight issue with body image, there are some with more deeply ingrained issues. Positive body image perception is important in the lifestyle, and the more pictures of happy bodies (of all shapes & sizes) we have available, the better for us all.

12. Amateur vs pro

Many (and I dare say most) people don’t care if pictures are not professionally done. Kinksters are regular, everyday people, and it’s perfectly OK for pictures to reflect that. It’s also important that we keep a healthy mix of amateur imagery alongside the high contrast professional pictures the public tends to see first and primarily.

13. Be your own agent

By taking control of your pictures, you essentially become your own agent. You can make decisions on all aspects of your persona with images from what pics are taken to how they are displayed, if ever.

14. Fun and dirty

Lastly, taking kinky pictures is just fun and dirty! There’s a chance you wouldn’t have read this far if you didn’t have a touch of filth inside you, and surely both fun and dirty appeal to many. Take pictures, if for nothing else, the simple enjoyment of it all.

 A few tips

  • If you’re going to take pictures, take LOTS of them. For every 1 shot, take 5 instead. Often, there’s a poor detail in the first 4 that is remedied in the 5th with just a slight variation in angle or lighting.
  • Hide your face and other recognizable features (location, personalized items, etc). This is optional, but effective if you’re the kinky exhibitionist who requires a bit of privacy. This can be done on the front end by wearing masks or lowering the angle of the camera (neck down shots) or on the back end by using a simple photo editor to add distortions to the faces in the pictures.
  • Only post pictures within a private (kink) community if you have a fear of being outed. This is not foolproof, but your odds of sharing securely and discreetly are increased this way.
  •  Take pictures of more than just people! Shots of tools & toys, scene set ups and the aftermath are always interesting!
  • Never ever ever or even EVER take pictures of others without their prior expressed consent. Never ever ever or even EVER take pictures at kink events unless you are 110% it is within the rules and is allowed, and even then be sure of any limitations.
  • If someone attempts to use your pictures in a way other than what you’ve agreed upon, sue them.
  • If you are a submissive and do not wish to take pictures and/or share pictures with others for any reason whatsoever, you have every right under the sun and moon to refuse such.

How about you?

Do you take kinky pictures? Why? Do you share them with others?

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Perfection in D/s http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/perfection-in-ds/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/perfection-in-ds/#comments Wed, 11 Jun 2014 15:04:23 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=4069 D/s, or dominance and submission, at it’s core, is simply an exchange of power between two* consenting individuals whereas one* assumes a more dominant role...

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D/s, or dominance and submission, at it’s core, is simply an exchange of power between two* consenting individuals whereas one* assumes a more dominant role and another assumes a more submissive role. It is a relational system that is about 10% science and 90% art, leaving lots of room for the human element, an element that naturally brings imperfection.

The title of this article, Perfection in D/s, is a bit of misnomer. D/s is an ebb and flow between the realms of perfection and imperfection.

Perfection

perfection

There has been a long-standing ideal of “perfect submission,” yet, as every submissive is human and subject to flaws, it’s safe to assume this level of absolute flawlessness has yet to be reached by anyone. The same bet can be wagered against finding a Dominant who has achieved perfection as well.  If, by chance, you meet anyone who participates in the D/s lifestyle and purports to have sipped the magical elixir of power exchange perfection, run, don’t walk… and whatever you do, do not drink the Kool-Aid.

Perfection assumes an unchanging state, one where there are no moving parts, no variables to account for and certainly no surprises. But D/s is an ever-changing entity with lots of pieces and factors and considerations. The partners in a D/s dynamic are typically constantly changing, even if only slightly and even if only from day to day. Their thoughts and processes and beliefs may morph over time. Their life experiences increase. And certainly, circumstances may change for them as partners and as individuals. D/s is not immune to these changes, changes that affect any perceived level of perfection, and the people within the dynamic must be able to adapt.

Imperfection

perfection-im

This definition sounds rather harsh! It also sounds very negative. No one wants to be labeled as being faulty or blemished or undesirable. For the purpose of D/s, let’s define imperfection in a different way.

There. That’s better. This simply asserts that there is a consistent goal of improvement held by the partnership, yet it doesn’t deny that, at any given time, improvements are needed.

Checks and Balances

D/s, as a power exchange dynamic, is a system of checks and balances. Both parties in the dynamic are ultimately responsible for their own individual health and well-being, and their partner’s health and well-being as well. They both are also responsible for the general welfare of the dynamic itself. This involves great attention to the details of the roles in the dynamic. The submissive should consistently assess his or her input into the exchange, but should also serve as a role checker for his or her Dominant. Of course, the reverse is just as crucial; the Dominant should regularly self-check his or her role — successes, not-so-successes (let’s not say failures!) — and also stand as a mirror for the submissive.

Both bipartite and tripartite governmental systems apply the principles of the separation of powers to allow for the branches represented by the separate powers to hold each other reciprocally responsible to the assertion of powers as apportioned by law.1 Or, to put it in D/s terms: “Both the Dominant and the submissive recognize the exchange of power, hold uniquely separate powers, and each is reciprocally responsible to the assertion of powers (to, for and by the other) as outlined by their personal D/s structure.”

Perfection in D/s

peace-bdsmI always recall a particular line spoken in church at the end of service. I, like I’m sure many did, often overlooked it as just another church saying. But today, it’s more relevant than ever.

If, at the bottom hour of the day, within your D/s dynamic — after the ebb and flow, the changing states, the checks and balances —  you are content, and the answer to the question All hearts and minds are clear? is yes, be satisfied with your current level of this thing called perfection.


* or more. A D/s partnership may consist of more than two individuals, but for the sake of this writing, this article assumes a partnership of two.

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Kink Diversity Challenge for POC & Non-POC http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/kink-diversity-challenge/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/kink-diversity-challenge/#comments Fri, 28 Feb 2014 15:00:00 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3707 The post Kink Diversity Challenge for POC & Non-POC appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Challenge

For the 28th day of Kinky Black History Month version 2013, I wrote a piece called POC and Diversity in Kink. A year later, the piece remains relevant primarily because the need for active diversity still greatly exists. Just as important is the need for all of us to express our needs as alternative lifestylers, especially POC. For that, I issue a challenge to us all, POC and non-POC, all genders, all love styles, all roles… and even our vanilla friends.

Kink Coming Out Day

kcod-logoKink Coming Out Day was created in 2013 and is slated for September 28 (annually). There is a myriad of reasons for coming out as a kinky person. Fortunately, KCOD has listed a good number of them on their FAQs page. Specifically for POC, the more we come out, the less of an enigma we will be to our counterparts which could lead to more open discourse and inclusion across the board.

Similar to National Coming Out Day, those interested in Kink Coming Out Day (whether you are kinky or not) can follow some of the additional tips provided by the Standing On The Side of Love article 10 Ways You Can Make a Difference on National Coming Out Day including following the link to their Transgender Identity & Inclusion” Webinar.

Visit: Kink Coming Out Day

The 13% Challenge

Do you run an educational BDSM site with various authors? Are you a member of a kink group? Are you a fetish photographer? Anything similar? This call is to you. Take a moment  to determine whether the body of people who represent you comprise a diverse group? If your group’s representation is less than the current demographics of your land, make it a high priority to up that representation.

According to the USA QuickFacts from the US Census Bureau, Black people make up 13.1% of the population, Hispanic or Latino 16.9%, Asian 5.1%, etc. Within your group, you should strive to have at least 13% Black representation (and so on).

Example

equation

If your group is made up of 30 people and only 2 of them are Black, your representation percentage is only 6.7%, way below a diverse standard. In order to reach an acceptable level of 13%, you should minimally have 5 Black members. If replacing members is not an option, simply increase your numbers. In this case, add 3 new members — Black, of course — which increases your percentage to above the minimum of 13%.

Hire quality writers of color for your educational site. Request AA speakers to your events. Showcase more darker-skinned people in your portfolio. Show that you care about diversity and representation.

To Our Vanilla (non-kinky) Counterparts

An article title can only be so long, but this section could aptly be called Acceptance Challenge for Our Vanilla Friends.

If you were to ask 100 BDSM practitioners to list one thing they would like for the general public to know about us, you may get a lot of different responses. For the purpose of this article, let’s go with just a couple.

Avoid harmful speech against alternative lifestylers

grinchJust as it is critical we abolish certain speech against LGBTQ people (like the term faggot; see NoHomophobes.com), we kinky folks would appreciate restraint from similar speech against us. If you view kinky imagery or hear/see a kinky person use certain terminology (like Master or slave), please refrain from retorting with commentary like “That’s some weird shit” or calling us (what you typically would deem to be) derogatory terms like “pervert,” “nasty,” “sick” or other.

Perhaps take a moment to remember that all of us likely have engaged in something in our lifetime that others may see as odd or strange or weird. We in the lifestyle are simply consenting adults who recognize our needs and are not afraid to indulge in these things that give us pleasure. If the things we do don’t give you pleasure, simply don’t do them.

Understand BDSM is a lifestyle, not just a sex thing

BDSM can be explored and practiced in an unlimited amount of ways. For some, it may be used to simply spice up the bedroom a bit. But for many of us, BDSM isn’t merely a sexual lifestyle — it’s a way of life. A great number of us focus heavily on the mental and emotional aspects of the practice (as in D/s), perhaps even more so than the physical aspects (as in S & M). As adults, many of us are sexual beings, so our sexual energies are often intertwined with our D/s, but sex itself is not a requirement of BDSM. Also, it is incredibly easy to show aspects of physical play in pictures and video, while depicting the heart of dominance & submission in the same manner isn’t quite so easy. First and foremost, understand our lifestyle is based on consensual power exchange and not on sexual activity.

Please send all submissions for Kinky Black History Month to kinkybutterfly@outlook.com. Thank you!

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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Kink Views: Interview with kinkyButterfly http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/kink-views-interview-kinkybutterfly/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/kink-views-interview-kinkybutterfly/#comments Fri, 28 Feb 2014 02:32:00 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3726 The post Kink Views: Interview with kinkyButterfly appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Interview

kink-views-sm

Interview with kinkyButterfly, a Black female submissivebutterfly-large

Audio length: 10.55 minutes.
kinkyButterfly was suffering a head cold during this interview![audio mp3="http://www.thekinkrealm.com/wp-content/uploads/kinkyButterfly.mp3"][/audio]

To follow along with the audio interview, the key questions are listed below.

  1. How long have you been an active participant in the kinky lifestyle?
  2. If you were to label yourself (within the scope of kink), what terms would you use?
  3. What has been your primary source of lifestyle education?
  4. As a kinky POC, looking back, what advice would have helped better guide you as a newer submissive?
  5. What is it like to be a black female submissive?
  6. When you describe BDSM to someone unfamiliar with the practice, how do you describe it?
  7. Have you ever received any feedback from vanilla people of color regarding your kink involvement?
  8. How do you view the amount of participation by POC in BDSM, leather and fetish lifestyles? Are we low in number? Have you ever felt like a rarity?
  9. Have you been fetishized within the lifestyle because you are a POC (including merely because of the color of your skin)? If so, does that bother you? How did you react?
  10. Have you dated outside of the lifestyle before? If so, what, if any, differences do you see between the kinky and their non-kinky counterparts? Has kink affected your dating or ability to find a partner?
  11. What are your lifestyle pet peeves?
  12. What famous POC do you think IS kinky or would be a good kinky partner?
Please send all submissions for Kinky Black History Month to kinkybutterfly@outlook.com. Thank you!

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

The post Kink Views: Interview with kinkyButterfly appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Safer+Saner http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/safer-saner/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/safer-saner/#comments Wed, 26 Feb 2014 15:00:00 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3704 The post Safer+Saner appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Safer+Saner

safer-saner-logo

For today’s Kinky Black History Month post, we shine the spotlight on a group that set out with grand and admirable mission. For historical and informational purposes, the group is SAFER+SANER. From their site:

Mission and History

Founded in 2005 by Blackkat (American Leatherman 2005), SAFER+SANER was formed to provide sexual, substance, and physical safety information to the leather, BDSM, kink, and fetish communities. By engaging community members in innovative, artistic, and culturally appropriate prevention and education activities, S+S works to promote and support healthy decision making.

SAFER+SANER provides outreach services to leather and other community events; facilitates educational activities; and develops informational materials about leathersex practices. S+S has provided outreach services at many local, national, and international events including International Mr. Leather, American Brotherhood Weekend, Mid-Atlantic Leather, Mr. Toronto Leather, Ms. World Leather, Philadelphia Deaf Leather, and Pride in the City. S+S has also been the official safer sex sponsor for International LeatherSIR/boy and ONYX Blackout, and hosted monthly events at the Eagle NYC.

Visit Safer+Saner

Tip: When browsing the website (at least in desktop mode), the images are often links to the main areas of the site.
Please send all submissions for Kinky Black History Month to kinkybutterfly@outlook.com. Thank you!

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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Kink Views: Interview with Mistress C http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/kink-views-interview-mistress-c/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/kink-views-interview-mistress-c/#comments Wed, 26 Feb 2014 01:30:55 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3985 The post Kink Views: Interview with Mistress C appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Interview

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Interview with Mistress C, a Black lifestyle professional Dominant

mistressc

Audio length: 21 minutes.[audio mp3="http://www.thekinkrealm.com/wp-content/uploads/MistressC.mp3"][/audio]

Links for Mistress C:
MistressC.biz (eroticadomme.com)
Mistress C’s YouTube Channel

To follow along with the audio interview, the key questions are listed below.

  1. How long have you been an active participant in the kinky lifestyle, officially & unofficially?
  2. If you were to label yourself (within the scope of kink), what terms would you use?
  3. Information about the title of Femdom Warrior Goddess.
  4. What sets you apart as a female dominant of color from other dominants in the lifestyle community?
  5. Did you grow up with any stigmas, hangups or particular expectations (good, bad or other) that have affected your involvement, view, or style as a female dominant in the lifestyle? Have those things been helpful or a hindrance?
  6. How do you view the amount of participation by POC in BDSM, leather and fetish lifestyles? Are we low in number? Have you ever felt like a rarity?
  7. Do you feel Black female dominants receive equal respect as your non-POC counterparts?
  8. How do you view relations between POC and non-POC in the lifestyle? Have you ever felt disenfranchised? If so, what could have been done to help make you more comfortable?
  9. Have you ever received any feedback from vanilla POC regarding your kink involvement?
  10. Can you tell us more about The Dungeon Experience and your talk show, The Whip Appeal Show?
Please send all submissions for Kinky Black History Month to kinkybutterfly@outlook.com. Thank you!

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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A Few Poetic Words http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/a-few-poetic-words/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/a-few-poetic-words/#comments Tue, 25 Feb 2014 02:04:47 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3977 The post A Few Poetic Words appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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One

June Jordan
After All Is Said And Done

Maybe you thought I would forget
about the sunrise
junejordanhow the moon stayed in the morning
time a lower lip
your partly open partly spoken
mouth

Maybe you thought I would exaggerate
the fire of the stars
the fire of the wet wood burning by
the waterside
the fire of the fuck the sudden move
you made me make
to meet you
(fire)

BABY
I do not exaggerate and
if
I could
I would.

Please send all submissions for Kinky Black History Month to kinkybutterfly@outlook.com. Thank you!

Two

Sonia Sanchez
Haiku

soniasanchezwe are sudden stars

you and i exploding in

our blue black skins

Sonia Sanchez
Poem #3

I gather up

each sound

you left behind

and stretch them

on our bed.

each nite

I breathe you

and become high

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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Kink Views: Interview with Loki & Lady Darksong http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/kink-views-interview-loki-lady-darksong/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/kink-views-interview-loki-lady-darksong/#comments Mon, 24 Feb 2014 01:24:54 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3964 The post Kink Views: Interview with Loki & Lady Darksong appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Interview

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Interview with Loki & Lady Darksong, a Black BDSM Couple

Audio length: 38:29
[audio mp3="http://www.thekinkrealm.com/wp-content/uploads/LokiLadyDarksong.mp3"][/audio]

Links mentioned in the interview:
Darksong Spanking (etc.) videos on Spanking Tube
The House of Darcsong on Tumblr

To follow along with the audio interview, the key questions are listed below.

  1. How long have you been an active participant in the kinky lifestyle, officially & unofficially?
  2. From where does the name Loki Darksong originate?
  3. What is your kink structure between the two of you? (dom and sub, 2 doms, switch/both tops & bottoms, etc)
  4. What is your kink structure with others? (eg: dom couple with subs, dom/sub + partners, switch with others, etc.)
  5. When (/if) you describe BDSM to someone unfamiliar with the practice, how do you describe it?
  6. Have you ever received any feedback from vanilla POC regarding your kink involvement?
  7. Do you find people tend to hold misconceptions about you as a couple, or about how your relationship dynamic is structured?
  8. Do your family and friends know that you’re anything other than vanilla?
  9. Are you familiar with other Black kinky couples in the lifestyle or do you find you’re among the few?
  10. What are your lifestyle pet peeves?
  11. Has your dominance been challenged by those who may assume you are more submissive than dominant?
  12. How do you assign your general life roles against your lifestyle roles? Household roles? Parental roles?
  13. Is there a need for discipline and/or punishment structure within your dynamic? If so, how do you employ that?
  14. Do you follow any particular protocols and/or engage in any particular rituals?
  15. If you could give one (or maybe 2) pieces of advice to newer people just starting out in the lifestyle, particularly POC, what would it be?
Please send all submissions for Kinky Black History Month to kinkybutterfly@outlook.com. Thank you!

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

The post Kink Views: Interview with Loki & Lady Darksong appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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BLACK PERVERT Documentary – Coming in 2015! http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/black-pervert-documentary/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/black-pervert-documentary/#comments Sun, 23 Feb 2014 00:48:22 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3944 The post BLACK PERVERT Documentary – Coming in 2015! appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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BLACK PERVERT

BLACK PERVERTThe F***ing History of a Double Minority

From the site:

BLACK PERVERT is a feature-length documentary exploring alternative sexuality – kink – within the Black community. It is scheduled for release in 2015.

www.TRUEstoriesPRODUCTIONS.com


The Kink Realm Interview with Bianca I. Laureano, co-director of BLACK PERVERT

Thank you to Bianca for taking the time to answer a few questions for us!

What fostered the documentary name BLACK PERVERT?
We wanted a film title that featured Blackness and Black identity in addition to the intersection of kink. We are seeking to decolonize the term ‘pervert’ and have it seen as a reclaimation of a term to be used as a positive self-identifier.
The documentary proposes to explore alternative sexuality – kink – within the Black community. Does this specifically include the practice of BDSM, fetishes, leather, other or some combination? What will be the primary focus of the production?
Yes, we seek to include kink in all of its many manifestations in which Black people engage. We are open to various kinks that are consensual among all participants.
What was the motivation behind this project?
TRUE has been seeking community for years and his challenge of discovering and building community among Black folks practicing kink has been a challenge. In hopes of building a community and discovering more Black Perverts, we know we may hear stories similar to our own: isolation from within the Black community that does not practice or judges those in the kink community; a color-free kink community that was isolating for Black members; other challenges that intersect with the identities we have from gender, sexual orientation, ability, class, and the like. We know these topics will come up and that is the reason we wish to explore them more fully as a community. Having Black Perverts speak for themselves is something that has yet to fully occur on a large national scale.
Do you, TRUE (producer, director, screenwriter), and Bianca I. Laureano (co-director), engage in the practice of BDSM or other alternative lifestyles?
Yes, we are partnered and in a poly D/s relationship.
Your upcoming documentary is slated to be released in 2015. Can BDSM practitioners submit suggestions and commentary along the way? How can the POC kink community get involved?
We are touring several cities in the continental US this year, 2014. We hope folks will have an interest in working with us and sharing their stories and experiences. We are open to seeing where the film may lead and following the themes and share their perspectives and ideas. We currently have a FetLife account and will be posting in city specific forums as well as Black-centric forums in hopes of finding folks interested in participating. We may also be reached via social media: Twitter @BlackPervertDoc and Tumblr at the same name. Our site is www.TRUEstoriesPRODUCTIONS.com and folks may email us directly at TRUE@TRUEstoriesPRODUCTIONS.com and Bianca@TRUEstoriesPRODUCTIONS.com
We’d love to know/see/hear more! Will there be any teasers released over the next year to whet our whistle?
Our hope is to provide a glimpse into what we capture along the way. We have yet to decide if we will do a mash-up of narratives from each city, wait to do a full on trailer (which we will definitely do), or other forms of media, but we do intend to share a bit of what we collect along the way to build interest and excitement for the film!
Please send all submissions for Kinky Black History Month to kinkybutterfly@outlook.com. Thank you!

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

The post BLACK PERVERT Documentary – Coming in 2015! appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Intrigued AND Repulsed? Like Us http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/intrigued-repulsed-erykah/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/intrigued-repulsed-erykah/#comments Sat, 22 Feb 2014 02:00:01 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3930 The post Intrigued AND Repulsed? Like Us appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Comments and video

I don’t fucking get it, but I’m intrigued…
and damnit I’m a little… OK a lot turned on.

Keep scrolling for the video!

never-waste-your-timeIs this how the vanilla world views us? Especially kinky POC (because, of course, BDSM is something white folks do)?

I don’t fucking get it and it’s… Now add words like sick, twisted, wrong, satanic, immoral, and perverted to this statement and it becomes an even more-familiar sentiment from people who don’t get it, will never get it and have no intention of ever getting it. But beyond legalities, do we even care what anyone outside of the kink community thinks of our practices, specifically the vanilla POC public?

Perverted is such a terrible thing to be, just like black and nappy. </sarcasmfont>

I don’t fucking get it, but I’m intrigued…
and damnit I’m a little… OK a lot turned on.

[caption id="attachment_3934" align="alignleft" width="180"]kinkyButterfly.net kinkyButterfly.net[/caption]

This is what I thought when I viewed this Erykah Badu video.* It’s weird and sexy and crazy and arousing and erotic and maddening and off-the-wall. I imagine vanilla POC view kinky POC (wearing chains, getting whipped, serving at the feet of another, etc) this way. “Surely there’s some plausible explanation of just what’s going on here, but even after hearing it, I still may not… get it.”

Do you hate this video? Do you love it? Get happy. Get mad. Pick a dandelion. Kick the wall. Just… feel something, because that’s what we do in the lifestyle — we feel.

Keep on with your weird, sexy, crazy, arousing, erotic, maddening, off-the-wall self, Miss Badu.

*For more details about this video and Erykah’s part in it (or lack thereof), read the article at Pitchfork about it. The reader will have to decide on how very real the debate is or how very much of a ploy it may be.

The Video

Artist (includes): Erykah Badu, Flaming Lips
Song: The First Time I Ever Saw Your Face

[youtube url="b4x39RPYG9Q" title="Erykah and Flaming Lips release"]
Note! If this video has been removed, and surely it will, do a keyword search on Google. The Internet rarely forgets.

Please send all submissions for Kinky Black History Month to kinkybutterfly@outlook.com. Thank you!

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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Miss Jackson – The Meaning (Interlude) http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/miss-jackson-meaning-interlude/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/miss-jackson-meaning-interlude/#comments Fri, 21 Feb 2014 03:03:30 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3920 The post Miss Jackson – The Meaning (Interlude) appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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The Meaning

[youtube url="Eyxh7ykn0es" title="The Meaning"]

Discipline..these are some of my favorite definitions

Self-control, training that corrects and molds
The mental faculties of moral character
To train by instruction and exercise
To punish, to penalize in order to train and correct
And control and chastise

An instrument of punishment
Like a whip used in the practice
Of self mortification
Or an instrument of chastisement

Video edited by The Kink Realm

Please send all submissions for Kinky Black History Month to kinkybutterfly@outlook.com. Thank you!

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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Kink Views: Interview with Mistress AfiaGold http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/kink-views-interview-mistress-afiagold/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/kink-views-interview-mistress-afiagold/#comments Thu, 20 Feb 2014 02:28:24 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3911 The post Kink Views: Interview with Mistress AfiaGold appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Interview

kink-views-sm

Interview with Mistress AfiaGold, a Black lifestyle Dominant

Audio length: 13 minutes.
[audio mp3="http://www.thekinkrealm.com/wp-content/uploads/AfiaGold.mp3"][/audio]

To follow along with the audio interview, the key questions are listed below.

  1. How long have you been an active participant in the kinky lifestyle, officially & unofficially?
  2. If you were to label yourself (within the scope of kink), what terms would you use? (Example: I am a pansexual masochistic pain slut submissive.)
  3. What is your current lifestyle status? (ie single sub searching, full-time live-in slave to a Master, etc.)
  4. What is your age range?
  5. When (/if) you describe BDSM to someone unfamiliar with the practice, how do you describe it?
  6. What has been your primary source of lifestyle education?
  7. What is it like to be a GODDESS as a POC?
  8. Have you ever received any feedback from vanilla POC regarding your kink involvement?
  9. How did it make you feel? How did you respond? If you could have that moment again, would you change your response at all?
  10. Did you grow up with any stigmas, hangups or particular expectations (good, bad or other) that have affected your involvement, view, or style as a GODDESS? Have those things been helpful or a hinderance?
  11. If you could give one (or maybe 2) pieces of advice to newer dominant female POC, what would it be?
  12. As a kinky POC, looking back, what advice would have helped better guide you as a newer dominant female?
  13. Are you religious?
  14. How do you view relations between POC and non-POC in the lifestyle? Have you ever felt disenfranchised? If so, what could have been done to help make you more comfortable?
  15. How do you view the amount of participation by POC in BDSM, leather and fetish lifestyles? Are we low in number? Have you ever felt like a rarity?
  16. Have you been fetishized within the lifestyle because you are a POC (including merely because of the color of your skin)? If so, does that bother you? How did you react?
  17. Do you date (or have you before dated) outside of the lifestyle? If so, what, if any, differences do you see between the kinky and their non-kinky counterparts? Has kink affected your dating or ability to find a partner?
  18. What are your lifestyle pet peeves?
  19. What famous POC do you think IS kinky or would be a good kinky partner?
  20. Open question – Add your own question/answer or include any additional thoughts you may have here.
  1. What is your preferred title? (Femdom Domme Goddess Domina Dominatrix Dominant Mistress other…). What do you think about the other titles. What is your general take on being addressed as something other than your preferred title?
  2. Do you feel Black female dominants receive equal respect as your non-POC counterparts?
  3. Has your dominance been challenged by those who may assume you are more submissive than dominant?
  4. Have you had to require potential subjects — subs, slaves, etc — to approach you in a particular way because you are a POC?
  5. What sets you apart as a female dominant of color from other dominants in the lifestyle community?
  6. If you could give advice to others, what would that be? (…to interested & potential submissives, to new female dominants, or other)
Please send all submissions for Kinky Black History Month to kinkybutterfly@outlook.com. Thank you!

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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Sweet Juice Publishing – Kinky Literary Liberation http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/sweet-juice-publishing-kinky-literary-liberation/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/sweet-juice-publishing-kinky-literary-liberation/#comments Wed, 19 Feb 2014 02:30:41 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3897 The post Sweet Juice Publishing – Kinky Literary Liberation appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Sweet Juice Publishing

From the site

Sweet Juice is a media company publishing multicultural erotica, kink and BDSM stories for discerning, smutty readers.

Our stories feature people of color and the kinky folks who love us across all genders and sexual orientations. We’re all accepting and inclusive. We believe that the smut we read should reflect the lives we lead-our experiences, presentations and cultures-out loud and in the hottest, sexiest ways possible!

Visit Sweet Juice Publishing
www.sweetjuice.org

Tie-Me-Up-smallsidebarsale

Free Book from Sweet Juice ….Hurry!

To celebrate the launch of Sweet Juice Publishing we’re giving away copies of our 1st book FREE through February 21st. [ LINK ]

The book: Tie Me Up, Set Me Free by Zee Giovanni

This book contains graphic sexual situations, sensual BDSM, and explicit erotic behavior. Readers run the risk of arousing their minds and their loins with this tale of kinky liberation.

…just the way The Kink Realm likes it!
Please send all submissions for Kinky Black History Month to kinkybutterfly@outlook.com. Thank you!

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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Shades of Black BDSM – Ebony.com http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/shades-black-bdsm-ebony-com/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/shades-black-bdsm-ebony-com/#comments Tue, 18 Feb 2014 03:50:35 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3885 The post Shades of Black BDSM – Ebony.com appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Shades of Black BDSM

From the article

ebony-coverOne woman shares insider knowledge about a sexually alternative lifestyle.*

“Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve heard of E. L. James’s erotic novel Fifty Shades of Grey (it’s sold over 40 million copies). What I’ve noticed is that the voices of a few “shades” of people have been missing from mainstream discourse about the books: namely, Black folks.”

Read Shades of Black BDSM at Ebony.com
Love & Sex section of Ebony magazine
Published October 2012

* The Kink Realm would omit “sexually” and prefer the vanilla public to view this as simply a lifestyle.
Please send all submissions for Kinky Black History Month to kinkybutterfly@outlook.com. Thank you!

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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(I’m an) Orange Moon – Badu http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/im-an-orange-moon-badu/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/im-an-orange-moon-badu/#comments Mon, 17 Feb 2014 02:05:00 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3716 The post (I’m an) Orange Moon – Badu appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Orange Moon

ebaduErykah brings us this great Baduism that, while isn’t at all kinky in nature, well…. just listen.

I’m an… Orange Moon. Do you ever feel like this? As a Black dominant, your light is too bright for most to understand? Or as a black submissive, you’re happy to be a reflection of that light? I’m an Orange Moon and I shine so bright ’cause I reflect the light of my sun.


[youtube url="5WPYrk3WeL4" title="Orange Moon"]

I’m an Orange Moon
I’m an Orange Moon
Reflecting the light of the sun

Many nights he was alone
Many, many, many nights
His light was too bright so they turned away
And he stood alone
Every night and every day
Then he turned to me
He saw his reflection in me
And he smiled at me when he turned to me
Then he said to me

How good it is, how good it is
How good it is, how good it is

I’m an Orange Moon
I’m brighter than before
Brighter than ever before
I’m an Orange Moon and I shine so bright
Cause I reflect the light of my sun
I praise the day, he turned my way
And smiled at me
He gets to smile and I get to be orange, that I love to be

How good it is, how good it is
How good it is, how good it is
How good it is, how good it is
How good it is, how good it is

(Oh…)
Shine so bright
(Oh…)
He rules the day, I rule the night
(Oh…)
Shine, shine, shine
(Oh…)

How good it is, how good it is
How good it is, how good it is
How good it is, how good it is
How good he is, how god is
How good it is, how good it is
How good it is, how god is
How good it is, how good it is

I’m an orange moon
I’m brighter than before, brighter
Reflecting the light of the sun
Smile at me

Please send all submissions for Kinky Black History Month to kinkybutterfly@outlook.com. Thank you!

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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Black BDSM, a Tumblelog http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/black-bdsm-tumblelog/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/black-bdsm-tumblelog/#comments Sat, 15 Feb 2014 23:34:31 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3865 The post Black BDSM, a Tumblelog appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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TITLEHERE

Featured: Black BDSM

Click to visit Black BDSM

“Black, Kinky, & Queer Conscious Content, tumbled by Be, The Intrepid.”

I’ve always enjoyed this Tumblelog. I hope you do, too!

Note: The picture shown is a screenshot representation of the website current to the time of this posting.
Please send all submissions for Kinky Black History Month to kinkybutterfly@outlook.com. Thank you!

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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A Better Version Of Valentine: The Lupercalia http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/better-version-valentine-lupercalia/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/better-version-valentine-lupercalia/#comments Fri, 14 Feb 2014 17:00:39 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3828 The post A Better Version Of Valentine: The Lupercalia appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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The Lupercalia

This article was written by (and has been reposted with permission from) the House of Darcsong, professional and lifestyle players within the Fetish community with over 20 years of experience.

[caption id="attachment_3831" align="aligncenter" width="300"]Click to enlarge Click to enlarge[/caption]

Hello Folks. Loki here!

This Friday many of you, as well as the people that you know, are planning to celebrate Valentine’s Day with your loved ones with all the well known events. Dinner, chocolate, gifts and bouts of raunchy lovemaking.

Now while that is all well and fun, I prefer this…

You see, folks, Valentine’s Day has a more raunchier past. The Lupercalia.

It was a major celebration and fertility holiday from Ancient Rome that honored the god Faunus and also the twins, Romulus and Remus, the founders of Rome.

The main part of the celebrations came after the sacrifices of a dog and of a couple of goats. The goats were used to invoke fertility in a very interesting way. After the sacrifice, the goat’s skins were cut into strips forming whips, or floggers. The Priest than ran throughout the streets of Rome, where women were waiting to have their open palms struck with the whips for good luck with fertility and childbearing. Later, at the end of the day, their names would be placed in jars and men would choose to see who they would be paired with for the rest of the celebrations.

I recall reading somewhere that,over the course of time, the women of Rome tended to get a bit bold when it came to receiving the lashes. Exposing more than just their palms for the strokes.

Of course when Rome became Christian, many of these traditions had to go. They were altered to fit the more chaste version that we know has Valentine’s Day.

Personally, I like the original. And not just because I happen to be an S&M’er. I mentioned that this year has been one the best ones for beginnings. The Lupercalia is part of that.

Fertility comes in many shapes and forms. It does not just have to be just for childbirth. It could be fertility in business, relationships, employment, or education.

While I am taking Lady Darksong out for the evening, we won’t be able to attend one of the local BDSM events due to the weather. Still, there will be lashings occurring this week! I am in need of a lot of good luck with the fertility of many ventures.

Not to leave out the joy of flogging my wife, of course! :-)

Oh and before I forget. Here is the link to one of the many definitions of The Lupercalia.

http://paganwiccan.about.com/od/imbolcfebruary2/p/Lupercalia.htm

Please send all submissions for Kinky Black History Month to kinkybutterfly@outlook.com. Thank you!

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

The post A Better Version Of Valentine: The Lupercalia appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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V-Day! Black Love is the New Black http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/v-day-black-love-new-black/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/v-day-black-love-new-black/#comments Fri, 14 Feb 2014 01:00:29 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3838 The post V-Day! Black Love is the New Black appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Black Love

Black Love is the New Black

vday-redux

This post, ahead of Valentine’s Day 2014, is all about Black love, Black happiness, Black inspiration and Black possibilities. While love isn’t a requirement in kink, there IS plenty of Black love around, and we touch each other in a special way, a way many cannot understand. Black love is powerful!

Enjoy some of the Black love links below!

Black Love Forum

Mission: To invoke an atmosphere of change in the movement to restore black relationships to a place of honor, harmony and prosperity. To be a conduit for creating healthy relationships and improved personal connections through education, mentoring and events.

Love, Sex & Relationships

This blog will be a celebration of black love as well as sex tips/advice, relationship issues, image quotes, erotica & some gratuitous pictures of beautiful black people.

Black And Married With Kids

The web’s most popular destination for guidance on African American marriage and parenting.

Black Love. Black Marriage. B Intentional!

BlackLoveandMarriage.com exists to transform the image and quality of relationships in the African-American community and the nation.

Be sure to check the special post for Valentine’s Day, February 14, 2014!
Please send all submissions for Kinky Black History Month to kinkybutterfly@outlook.com. Thank you!

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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LGBT History Month – African-American Icons http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/lgbt-history-month-african-american-icons/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/lgbt-history-month-african-american-icons/#comments Thu, 13 Feb 2014 01:00:09 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3818 The post LGBT History Month – African-American Icons appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Ruth Ellis

Ruth Ellis, a LGBT icon

Ruth Ellis, who lived to be 101, was credited with being the oldest known lesbian and LGBT civil rights activist.

ruthellisEllis attended Springfield High School at a time when very few African-Americans enrolled in secondary education. She was aware of her sexual orientation by the time she was 16. Ellis remembered her high school gym teacher as her first female attraction.

In the early 1920’s, Ellis met Ceciline “Babe” Franklin. They became friends and lovers for more than 35 years.

When Ellis moved to Detroit in the 1930’s, Babe joined her. The couple bought a house and Ellis started a printing business. She was the first woman in Michigan to own and operate a printing company.

Their house became the local hangout for African-American gays and lesbians. Known as the “gay spot,” Ellis opened her home for parties and dances, and never turned down a gay or lesbian friend who needed a place to stay.

This sounds very much like the stories we hear from veteran kinksters about how our earliest networks were comprised of word-of-mouth associations… quite underground with a yearning to speak out and be known, or at least live freely.

Information from www.lgbthistorymonth.com. Read more about Ruth Ellis.

Please send all submissions for Kinky Black History Month to kinkybutterfly@outlook.com. Thank you!

LGBT African-Americans

LGBT History Month, each October

From the website:

lgbt-logoLGBT History Month celebrates the achievements of 31 lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender Icons. Each day in October, a new LGBT Icon is featured with a video, bio, bibliography, downloadable images and other resources.

In 2006, Equality Forum assumed responsibility for providing content, promotion and resources for LGBT History Month. Equality Forum is a national and international LGBT civil rights organization with an educational focus. Equality Forum coordinates LGBT History Month, produces documentary films, undertakes high-impact initiatives and presents the largest annual national and international LGBT civil rights summit.

—» The LGBT African-American Icons list «—

LGBTHM for KBHM?

Why LGBT History Month for Kinky Black History Month?

Because intersectionality. Intersectionality (or Intersectionalism) is the study of intersections between different disenfranchised groups or groups of minorities; specifically, the study of the interactions of multiple systems of oppression or discrimination1.

Intersectionality has also been seen as defined as:

[caption id="attachment_3822" align="alignright" width="200"]The Kink Realm believes "LIFESTYLES" should be a stated part of intersectionality. What do you think? The Kink Realm believes “LIFESTYLES” should be a stated part of intersectionality. What do you think?[/caption]

Concept used to describe ways in which shitty social constructs like -isms & -phobias are interconnected (intersectional! geddit?) and not magically separate issues.

Also used to describe how social inequality is experienced as an “intersection” of several forms of discrimination.

For instance, feminism that totally ignores racism is inevitably going to fall flat on its face, and pretending all social issues boil down to “it’s all about claaaaaass!” is an exercise in brainlessness.2

In short, the call to LGBT rights awareness is quite similar to that of ours. Of course, there are differences and intersectionality is not a game of one-upmanship, but at the least, our common denominator is the quest to exist freely without discrimination.

References:
1 Definition from Wikipedia by way of Wikitionary.
2 Definition from Urban Dictionary by thedeadlymoose.

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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Kink Views: Interview with Master Alexander http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/kink-views-interview-master-alexander/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/kink-views-interview-master-alexander/#comments Wed, 12 Feb 2014 03:11:44 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3803 The post Kink Views: Interview with Master Alexander appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Interview

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Interview with Master Alexander, a Black lifestyle Dominant

Audio length: 20 minutes.
[audio mp3="http://www.thekinkrealm.com/wp-content/uploads/MasterAlexander-2014-02-11.mp3"][/audio]

To follow along with the audio interview, the key questions are listed below.

  1. How long have you been an active participant in the kinky lifestyle, officially & unofficially?
  2. What is your current lifestyle status?
  3. When (/if) you describe BDSM to someone unfamiliar with the practice, how do you describe it?
  4. Have you ever received any feedback from vanilla POC regarding your kink involvement?
  5. Are you religious? If so, how, if at all, does your religious view affect your kinky living and vice versa?
  6. Have you been fetishized within the lifestyle because you are a POC (including merely because of the color of your skin)? If so, does that bother you? How did you react?
  7. What are your lifestyle pet peeves?
  1. Do you see yourself (as a Black male dominant) as different from your vanilla counterparts?
  2. What sets you apart as a dominant of color from other dominants in the lifestyle community?
  3. Do you believe you relate to women, particularly Black women (both vanilla & kinky) differently because you are a dominant? …a Black male dominant?
  4. What are your thoughts on the body of Black male dominants as a whole…. past, present and future? What is the feel of community like? Are Black male dominants stagnated, progressive, other? …and why?)
  5. Who/what has been your best source of learning in the lifestyle?
  6. If you could give advice to others, what would that be? (e.g. …to interested & potential submissives, to new Black male dominants, or other?)

 

Please send all submissions for Kinky Black History Month to kinkybutterfly@outlook.com. Thank you!

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

The post Kink Views: Interview with Master Alexander appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Marvin Gaye – Masochistic Beauty http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/marvin-gaye-masochistic-beauty/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/marvin-gaye-masochistic-beauty/#comments Tue, 11 Feb 2014 04:06:45 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3796 The post Marvin Gaye – Masochistic Beauty appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Masochistic Beauty

marin-gaye-sm

Most of us remember Marvin Gaye for his sultry and inspirational lyrics and they way he made us move both on the inside and on the outside…. Sexual Healing, Distant Lover, Let’s Get It On, Mercy Mercy Me and many more. But then there’s that one tune that stands out from the pack, easily recognizable by us kinksters… that is, if we have ever heard it. Thanks to a fantastic supporter for pointing this gem out.

[youtube url="ctaJBZcQHWo" title="Marvin Gaye - Masochistic Beauty"]

Get your ass in gear
Come closer here
See your passion sweat
Now is it wet?
I’ll jam you ’til you faint
You little saint
I’ll rock you ’til your sore
Like a whore
Forget that closet scene
I’m so mean
I’ll throw you on the floor
Like before
You say it’s not your thing
But still you come
You say you hate my guts
Still want some
You silly little freak
Trying to rise
The devil’s strong in you
It’s in your eyes
The thing that’s deep in you
You can’t resist
I’m gonna tie you up and have my wish

You do not understand but still you love
The way you worship it it’s all your thinking of
Everybody knows the thing you love
While your on your knees raise your dress above
Get down

Shut up…
You nasty little slave kiss my feet
Put your face right here and start to eat
Get down, shut up, get down, get up

If you do it right you get the pipe
And if you do it wrong I’ll spank you long
I love you my masochistic beauty
I love you, I love your booty
I love it my masochistic beauty, yes
I love you, I love your booty

And it’s my duty to spank your booty
And it’s my duty to spank your booty

…and more

Please send all submissions for Kinky Black History Month to kinkybutterfly@outlook.com. Thank you!

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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Black Erotic Poetry http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/black-erotic-poetry/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/black-erotic-poetry/#comments Mon, 10 Feb 2014 00:55:28 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3791 The post Black Erotic Poetry appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Black Erotic Poetry

gspoetry-ssIf you’re in the mood for some erotic poetry, you’re in luck. GS Poetry provides us with plenty of hot reads, much of it by POC. Let the words inspire you.

GS Poetry is an awesome poetry community where poets can read, write, share and publish poetry. Our focus is giving poets tools and features they want and need to make poetry fun, serious and engaging.

GS Poetry is all about expression. We give poets the freedom to write poetry & to express their feelings & emotions as they wish.

View the Erotic section of GS Poetry for well over 600 pages listings of user-submitted poetry. There are 50 submissions per page. I’ll let you do the math!

Also of interest, as seen on the GS Poetry website: “GS Nights — Our virtual open mic night where poets can perform poetry live online! Coming 2014.”

Please send all submissions for Kinky Black History Month to kinkybutterfly@outlook.com. Thank you!

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

The post Black Erotic Poetry appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Black and Kinky and Tumblr’ing http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/black-kinky-tumblring/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/black-kinky-tumblring/#comments Sun, 09 Feb 2014 03:04:05 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3781 The post Black and Kinky and Tumblr’ing appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Black, Kinky, Tumblr

We’re everywhere! There is a thriving POC (Black and more) community of lifestylers, fetishists and more on Tumblr. Below is a typical running list of real life (non-professional) kinksters you’ll find there. If you have a running list for social sites like Pinterest and Facebook, please feel free to add the information in the comments section at the end of this page.

The List

butterflycollarFirst on the list, of course, is kinkyButterfly*. kinkyButterfly’s tumblelog (residing at kinkybutterfly.net) is given the description “A black, kinky, BDSM lifestyle female submissive named kinkyButterfly. All original content (no reblogs): my pictures, videos and text.”. Her tumblelog was started on Sun, 15 April 2012 and, to date, has a total number of 354 posts — ALL kinky, and the majority are picture posts (with multiple pictures) showing BDSM in action.

Thanks to…

Thanks to friend The Dean at The Dean is in for maintaining a list of kinky POC on Tumblr. Visit him!

Also on the list..

Of note, these are self-listed POC kinksters/tumblelogs.
http://theboardingschool.tumblr.com/
http://submissiveebony.tumblr.com/
http://tumblr.sweetjuice.org
http://subbieblackgrl.tumblr.com/
http://contradictarycomplimentary.tumblr.com/
http://workneverover.tumblr.com/
http://thesublimeasylum.tumblr.com/
http://freqdaddy.tumblr.com/
http://bratsub.tumblr.com/
http://giermo.tumblr.com/
http://kinkyblackgirl.tumblr.com/
http://blackbdsm.tumblr.com/
http://badlittlekitten.tumblr.com/
http://daddy757.tumblr.com/
http://takemedownnow.tumblr.com/
http://submissive-appetite.tumblr.com/
http://kinkyreblogs.tumblr.com/
http://eroticawriting.tumblr.com/
http://apronsheelsandcollars.tumblr.com/
http://spiceekimchii.tumblr.com/
http://diaryofasubfreak.tumblr.com/
http://ariaonthefloor.tumblr.com/
http://iwantaspanking.tumblr.com/
http://girlwiththeskullkneesocks.tumblr.com/
http://fuxymaxy.tumblr.com/
http://a-curious-fantasy.tumblr.com/
http://thekittymeows.tumblr.com/
http://laceandleatherkisses.tumblr.com/
http://magicalsubgirl.tumblr.com/
http://littlenaga.tumblr.com/
http://mistersean.tumblr.com/
http://brutaldad.tumblr.com/
http://dirtymindofchaosghost.tumblr.com/
http://peanutbuttersmackbiznitch.tumblr.com/
http://tricksandshits.tumblr.com/
http://playtimewithbunny.tumblr.com/
http://choklatecoveredcherry.tumblr.com/
http://yourbadgrrl.tumblr.com/
http://littlekittykit.tumblr.com/
http://justanothersub.tumblr.com/
http://djcagedbird.tumblr.com/
http://delicatelyadorned.tumblr.com/
http://dirtyblackfuckdoll.tumblr.com/
http://justanotherhornyblackgirl.tumblr.com/
http://godivaeva.tumblr.com/
http://thegirlwiththeforbiddentattoo.tumblr.com/
http://simplysubmissive.tumblr.com/
http://intelligent-rebel.tumblr.com/
http://redbottomedharlot.tumblr.com/
http://ask4permission1st.tumblr.com/
http://liquidfantasieskepthidden.tumblr.com/
http://mastertoabeautifulslave.tumblr.com/
http://kupaa.tumblr.com/
* kinkyButterfly is also the owner of this site, The Kink Realm.
Please send all submissions for Kinky Black History Month to kinkybutterfly@outlook.com. Thank you!

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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Black HIV/AIDS Awareness, SM Safety http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/black-hiv-aids-awareness-sm-safety/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/black-hiv-aids-awareness-sm-safety/#comments Fri, 07 Feb 2014 14:00:00 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3746 The post Black HIV/AIDS Awareness, SM Safety appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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HIV/AIDS Awareness

Today’s Kinky Black History Month post is all about safety and awareness in alternative lifestyles.

National Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day

nbhaad-logo-smFebruary 7th is National Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day (NBHAAD). NBHAAD is an HIV testing and treatment community mobilization initiative for Blacks in the United States and across the Diaspora. There are four specific focal points: Get Educated, Get Tested, Get Involved, and Get Treated.1

Black Women’s Health Imperative: Twitter Chat

On February 7th, from 1pm-2pm EDT, the Black Women’s Health Imperative will host a Twitter chat in observance of National Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day to explore this complex question. We will discuss such topics as:

  • bwhi-logo-smWhat is different about this generation’s experience of the HIV/AIDS epidemic?
  • How do stigma, shame and silence around our sexual health continue to impact HIV risk?
  • What are the opportunities with this emerging generation to get to zero new HIV infections?

WHAT: Twitter Chat / @blkwomenshealth

WHEN: Friday, February 7, 2014

TIME: 1:00 p.m. – 2:00 p.m.

WHERE: Twitter, following #get2zero2

Please send all submissions for Kinky Black History Month to kinkybutterfly@outlook.com. Thank you!


Kink Safety

BDSM: Safer Kinky Sex

safersexbooklet-smThe folks over at ACT, AIDS Committee of Toronto, have provided us with a (free) helpful booklet on kink and safety called BDSM: Safer Kinky Sex. But don’t let the term “booklet” fool you — this is an information-packed publication.

act-logoThis booklet contains best practices, practical guidelines, and advice on the prevention of, hepatitis, Methicillin-Resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA), Human Immuno-deficiency Virus (HIV) and other sexually transmitted infections (STIs) within bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadomasochism (BDSM) play. It is an introduction to safer BDSM play for men, women and transfolk. BDSM: Safer Kinky Sex is designed to provide you with information to help reduce your risks. This edition contains updated and expanded information throughout with new information on hepatitis C, HPV, MRSA, cleaning toys, condoms, lubricants, shaving, cutting and harm reduction. We have also strived to make this resource more trans inclusive.

View the full digital copy of the booklet -or- view the PDF version at actoronto.org -or- view the text version at SaferSM.org (which seems to be the booklet text with some small variations, and may be more dated than the first two links).


 

The STD Project: 50 Shades of Safer Sex

std-project-logo

You might also be interested in the important information provided by The STD Project on kink and safety (some of which is referenced from the SM Education Project at SaferSM.org). From 50 Shades of Safer Sex:

With all the hype, the book burnings, the replacement of bibles in hotels, and the blog posts around 50 Shades of Grey, I think it appropriate to talk about S&M as it pertains to STDs and how to best reduce your risk of contracting an STD when engaging in S&M sexual play.

SSC and Beyond

We all know that the various aspects of BDSM come with potential risks. Since what seems to be the dawn of time, or more like 1983, we’ve made use of a phrase, almost to the level of it being a kinky mantra, that helps affirm our knowledge, understanding and acceptance of the risk levels in kink and personal duty to avert such risks.

SSC

Safe, sane and consensual

Of course, there is also

RACK

Risk-aware consensual kink

And then came

PRICK

Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink

But wait! There’s also

CCC

Committed Compassionate Consent

where does it end…?

That familiar phrase, Safe, sane and consensual, and others which have come into use over the years are listed above mainly for historical purposes as opposed to a statement of good use. On a personal level, I don’t feel they capture WIITWD or provide a well-rounded statement of kinky cognizance. If I had to choose a declaration, it would be more along the lines of:

GFK

Good Faith Kink

From Ruru’s Restrained Ramblings:

Good Faith Kink, GFK, states simply that players will do their best to do right by each other, for mutual satisfaction. In practice, this means that players:

  • are honest with each other about intentions, desires, limits and triggers;
  • prepare and manage risks to the best of their ability;
  • communicate appropriately before, during and after the scene;
  • are prepared to deal with potential problems; and most importantly,
  • recognise that each is working with the best of intentions, to the best of their knowledge and ability at the time, that accidents and misjudgements happen, and that whatever occurs, it was and is not the other’s intent to cause harm.

No matter what acronym or statement or definition you have the most affinity for, have fun and be safe.

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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The Floacist – She Love Like http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/the-floacist-she-love-like/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/the-floacist-she-love-like/#comments Thu, 06 Feb 2014 14:00:00 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3717 The post The Floacist – She Love Like appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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She Love Like

She Love Like — how a black submissive loves… how a black submissive serves… from the ground up and from the head down.

[youtube url="A4b7CPTyTv4" title="She Love Like"]

The Floacist

she love like special
like mmm like ahh like yes please
she love like tease
she love like healing
tender nurture
she love like mother nature
beauty filled like feature
she love like teacher
delivers like preacher
touching the soul like glow
she love like redemption
she love truer than a pension
she love like reflection
like right like light like heat
she love like sun like moon
she love like water
she love like surface
reflection
she love like purpose
she love like prediction like prophecy
like vision
she love like religion
keeping you grounded
keeping you safe
she love like root
like binding like perfect timing
like on and off
and tick and tock
she love like moments
open to possibilities
open to probabilities
she love like community
like care like hug like kiss
she love like this
she love like bliss
like memories you can’t forget
like even better yet
she love like comfort
and it takes no effort
it’s how she is
she loves ’cause love keeps her alive
she love like pride
loving from the inside
she love like mmm like ahh like yes please
she love like how loving should be
so
love she
love she
love she
love she

This happens to be my favorite version of this song/video. To see the standard version, click here to visit YouTube.
Please send all submissions for Kinky Black History Month to kinkybutterfly@outlook.com. Thank you!

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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Black Kink Aware Professionals & Resources http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/black-kink-aware-professionals-resources/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/black-kink-aware-professionals-resources/#comments Thu, 06 Feb 2014 01:48:46 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3734 The post Black Kink Aware Professionals & Resources appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Kink Aware Professionals

Have you ever shied away from speaking with your doctor about a personal issue that involves something kink-related, or had concerns over a legal issue because of the potential for your kinky existence being used against you, or simply needed to speak with a counselor who understands your lifestyle? If not, perhaps you may one day, or know of someone who will. For that purpose, it is important to at least know of the availability of professionals who are kink-aware, kink-friendly and/or kink-knowledgeable.

From the Kink Aware Medical Care Brochure:

So you practice bondage, dominance and S&M and you need medical care.  Perhaps you’re looking for a general practitioner for checkups.  Or maybe you need urgent medical care.  Perhaps you are concerned abut discrimination.  Or you fear you’ll have to spend too much time educating someone abut BDSM when they should be focused solely on your health.  How do you find a provider who will be sensitive to your sexuality?  And if you can’t how do you handle your sexuality when dealing with such medical care providers?

Kink Aware Professional Directory by the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom

ncsf_logo“This is THE resource for people who are seeking psychotherapeutic, medical, and legal professionals who are informed about the diversity of consensual, adult sexuality.”

Visit the KAP Directory

The KAP Directory currently lists over 800 self-listed professionals and provides us with a search feature. The categories include Accounting & Finance, Counselors & Therapists, Doctors, Health & Wellness Practitioners (non-M.D.), Internet-Based Businesses, Lawyers, Life Coaches, Other Professionals, Psychologists, Spiritual Advisors & Wedding Officiators, and Web Design & IT.

As an example, some KAPs of color are listed below.

Joy D. Mutinda, Psychologist, PhD

joydmutindaDr. Mutinda practices in Ann Arbor, Michigan. “I am an ally and advocate for individuals navigating gender identity, expression, and transition. I am also a kink and poly aware therapist.” She also has two groups — HERStory: A Support Group for Black Women and Loving More: Exploring Consensual Non Monogamy.

Lynn Lambkins, Clinician and Counselor

lynnlambkinsMs. Lambkins, a California resident, has extensive experience in the fields of social work, crisis counseling and more, and as a Life Coach. She is listed as a Gender Identity and Kink Aware Professional.

POC members of TASHRA’s Community Research Advisory Board

TASHRA is an acronym for The Alternative Sexualities
Health Research Alliance. “TASHRA’s mission is to improve the physical and mental health of people who engage in BDSM,* kink and sexual fetishism. We are working to ensure that all kinksters have equal access to culturally competent, non-judgmental, and knowledgeable healthcare.

The board includes Crystal (Ham) Mason, Mollena Williams, Michael Huff, PhD and Yoseñio V. Lewis.

CARAS – BDSM and Therapy Project

This organization and project are also for and about the kink community. CARAS stands for Community-Academic Consortium for Research on Alternative Sexualities. “The mission of the BDSM and Therapy Project is to increase the knowledge and skills of therapists when serving people with BDSM sexuality, and to educate the BDSM community about high quality therapy and how to interact with mental healthcare providers around these issues.”

While this post is not intended to serve as an exhaustive list by any means, know that there are resources available to you as a person who practices an alternative lifestyle.
Please send all submissions for Kinky Black History Month to kinkybutterfly@outlook.com. Thank you!

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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I Wrote A Good Omelet http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/wrote-good-omelet/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/wrote-good-omelet/#comments Wed, 05 Feb 2014 01:53:42 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3729 This lovely poem by the great Nikki Giovanni reminds me so much of how it feels to experience subspace and the loopy glow after being...

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This lovely poem by the great Nikki Giovanni reminds me so much of how it feels to experience subspace and the loopy glow after being spoken to by firm hands and touched by a stern voice. Keep reading and you’ll understand.

I Wrote A Good Omelet

I wrote a good omelet…and ate
a hot poem… after loving you

Buttoned my car…and drove my
coat home…in the rain…
after loving you

[caption id="attachment_2862" align="alignright" width="150"]Click to enlarge Click to enlarge[/caption]

I goed on red…and stopped on
green…floating somewhere in between…
being here and being there…
after loving you

I rolled my bed…turned down
my hair…slightly
confused but…I don’t care…

Laid out my teeth…and gargled my
gown…then I stood
…and laid me down…

To sleep…
after loving you

Please send all submissions for Kinky Black History Month to kinkybutterfly@outlook.com. Thank you!

Nikki Giovanni

Visit » Nikki-Giovanni.com

Nikki Giovanni is a world-renowned poet, writer, commentator, activist, and educator. The author of some 30 books for both adults and children, Nikki Giovanni is a University Distinguished Professor at Virginia Tech in Blacksburg, Virginia.

[caption id="attachment_2861" align="alignright" width="150"]Click to enlarge Click to enlarge[/caption]

Giovanni’s honors and awards have been steady and plentiful throughout her career. The recipient of some twenty-five honorary degrees, she has been named Woman of the Year by Mademoiselle Magazine, The Ladies Home Journal, and Ebony Magazine. She was tapped for the Ohio Women’s Hall of Fame and named an Outstanding Woman of Tennessee. Giovanni has also received Governor’s Awards from both Tennessee and Virginia. She was the first recipient of the Rosa L. Parks Woman of Courage Award, and she has also been awarded the Langston Hughes Medal for poetry. She is an honorary member of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority and has received Life Membership and Scroll from The National Council of Negro Women. A member of PEN, she was honored for her life and career by The History Makers. She has received the keys to more than two dozen cities. Black Enterprise named her a Women of Power Legacy Award winner for work that expands opportunities for other women of color.

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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Share Your Favorite Quote http://www.thekinkrealm.com/submissively-speaking/share-your-favorite-quote/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/submissively-speaking/share-your-favorite-quote/#comments Tue, 04 Feb 2014 15:29:30 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3438 I am becoming what I am to be. It’s a simple statement, one I first started using nearly 2 decades ago in recognition of the...

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I am becoming what I am to be.

It’s a simple statement, one I first started using nearly 2 decades ago in recognition of the fact that I am still growing. Even more so, as a personal submissive declaration, this motto stands as acknowledgement that I will forever be changed, not just once, but many times over.

As with all roles in the lifestyle, submission is not a once-and-done deal. Submission is a progressive art form, a journey of development and a continual quest for personal achievement. From day 1, first donning the submissive uniform all bright and shiny, through day 6,570 and beyond after all the glitter is gone and the newness all wears off, I am still becoming what I am to be. The fire and passion that drove me early on still drives me.

Noun: adaptability
The ability to change (or be changed) to fit changed circumstances
Change is a process, not an event.

The only thing constant in life is change. This applies to submission as well. I am not the same submissive I was when I first officially accepted the title. I am not the same submissive I was a year ago. I will be a different submissive in 5 years time. I have been changed by time and circumstance. While my core values and the crux of my personality may remain intact, much of who I am as a person (and a submissive woman) has been touched, therefore changed.

As a submissive, adaptability plays a key role in growth and achievement. For each new D-type a submissive serves, s/he must be willing to be molded to the tastes, desires, styles and requirements of that particular D-type. No two D/s (or other) dynamics being the same, each new partnership demands attention to it’s unique details. The submissive role is a dance of one’s own life experience & knowledge paired with a willingness to shaped to the will of another.

I am becoming what I am to be” reminds me of my personal growth to date and helps me look forward to the person… the submissive, I may become in the future.

What is your favorite quote?

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Black Scene Music http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/black-scene-music/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/black-scene-music/#comments Tue, 04 Feb 2014 02:30:28 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3688 The post Black Scene Music appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Song List

black-scene-music-smThere is so much that music can add to a scene above and beyond the natural energy already created by the parties involved. Below is a music sampler you might like to incorporate into your own scene music collection. The tracks listed below are all by POC artists.

Sampler

[audio mp3="http://www.thekinkrealm.com/wp-content/uploads/Scene-Mix.mp3"][/audio]

  • 01. Maxwell – [Maxwell’s Urban Hang Suite] …Til The Cops Come Knockin’
  • 02. Janet Jackson – [Janet.Remixed] Any Time, Any Place (R. Kelly mix)
  • 03. Anita Baker – [Rhythm of Love #03] Body and Soul
  • 04. Raheem DeVaughn – [The Love Experience] Breathe
  • 05. Erykah Badu – [Baduizm] Certainly (Flipped It)
  • 06. Sade – [Love Deluxe #06] Cherish the Day
  • 07. Jill Scott – [The Real Thing (Words And Sounds Vol.3)] Crown Royal
  • 08. Jill Scott – [The Real Thing (Words And Sounds Vol.3)] Epiphany
  • 09. Will Downing – [After Tonight] Fantasy (Spending Time With You)
  • 10. Eric Benét – [True to Myself] Femininity
  • 11. Jon B. – [Pleasures You Like] Finer Things (feat. Nas)
  • 12. Dazz Band – [Funkology: The Definitive Dazz Band] Heartbeat
  • 13. Chantay Savage – [I Will Survive] I Will Survive (Silk’s Old Skool extended remix)
  • 14. Jamie Foxx – [Intuition] Intuition Interlude
  • 15. The Isley Brothers – [Mission to Please] Make Your Body Sing
  • 16. Pete Philly & Perquisite – [Mind.State] Mellow
  • 17. Jill Scott – [The Real Thing (Words And Sounds Vol.3)] Only You
  • 18. Janet Jackson – [The Velvet Rope] Rope Burn
  • 19. The Isley Brothers – [Eternal] Said Enough (feat. Jill Scott)
  • 20. George Duke – [Va Soul Lounge 3 CD 3 CD3 #07] Sausalito
  • 21. Tony! Toni! Toné! – [Sons Of Soul] Slow Wine
  • 22. Musiq – [Onmyradio] Sobeautiful
  • 23. Erykah Badu – [Baduizm] Sometimes (mix #9)
  • 24. R. Kelly – [Tp-2.Com] Strip for You
  • 25. Maxwell – [Embrya] Submerge:Til We Become The Sun
  • 26. Mtume – [Juicy Fruit] The After 6 Mix (Juicy Fruit Part II)
  • 27. Erykah Badu – [Worldwide Underground] Think Twice
  • 28. Tony! Toni! Toné! – [The Revival] Whatever You Want
  • 29. Raheem DeVaughn – [The Love Experience] You
  • 30. Mtume – [You, Me and He] You Are My Sunshine

Ache, etc.

Day 2 of Kinky Black History Month featured an artist named FKA twigs. You might like to include a few key tracks from her album like Ache.

[audio mp3="http://www.thekinkrealm.com/wp-content/uploads/FKA-twigs-Ache.mp3"][/audio]

Instrumentals/Minimal Vocal examples

Below are a few tracks with no-to-minimal vocals that could make a nice addition to a slow, sensual scene music track listing.

  • 1. Alicia Keys – [The Diary of Alicia Keys] Feeling U, Feeling Me (interlude)
  • 2. Floetry – [Floetic] Say Yes (Jazzy Instrumental)
  • 3. Twista – [Category F5] Wetter (Instrumental w/hook)

Recommended

Any of the many Hidden Beach Recordings tracks like Bridging The Great Divide.

[audio mp3="http://www.thekinkrealm.com/wp-content/uploads/Bridging-The-Great-Divide.mp3"][/audio]

Feel free to list tracks below that you like to scene to and would recommend others add to their own collection!

This post isn’t intended to debate what qualifies as “black music” or the like, but simply to provide recommendations specific to the topic of, and for the readers of Kinky Black History Month.
Please send all submissions for Kinky Black History Month to kinkybutterfly@outlook.com. Thank you!

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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FKA Twigs – Papi Pacify http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/fka-twigs-papi-pacify/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/fka-twigs-papi-pacify/#comments Sun, 02 Feb 2014 14:50:59 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3682 hot. dark. deep. breathtaking. sensual. seductive. hot…

These are all terms that could easily be used to describe the sounds and visuals of this video. Twelve silent seconds bloom into a haunting melody laced with a soft & delicate beckoning to be pacified. The dark man embraces the throat and mouth of his entranced lover with his hands as if he owns her very spirit…. her breath… all of her.

Having watched this 99 times, I expect the same goosebumps at viewing number 100. Continue reading

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Papi Pacify

hot. dark. deep. breathtaking. sensual. seductive. hot…

These are all terms that could easily be used to describe the sounds and visuals of this video. Twelve silent seconds bloom into a haunting melody laced with a soft & delicate beckoning to be pacified. The dark man embraces the throat and mouth of his entranced lover with his hands as if he owns her very spirit…. her breath… all of her.

Having watched this 99 times, I expect the same goosebumps at viewing number 100.

[youtube title="Papi Pacify" url="OydK91JjFOw"]

Warning! Breath play (breathplay) is considered to be an advanced activity and extreme play in BDSM. While many, even the mildest vanilla, often enjoy this type of play, it is crucial to understand the techniques and potential dangers involved before engaging in such.
Please send all submissions for Kinky Black History Month to kinkybutterfly@outlook.com. Thank you!

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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Reflections http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/reflections/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/reflections/#comments Sun, 02 Feb 2014 03:13:10 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3669 The post Reflections appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Reflections

reflectionIt’s time again for Kinky Black History Month, 2014 edition! A whole year has rolled around since the last installment. Many things have changed in the world around us — some for our betterment and some to our detriment. Now is a good time to reflect upon those changes and how they impact us on a personal level.

Even more so, as kinky POC, this is as good a time as any to look back over the last 12 months and determine how we’ve grown, both individually and as a collective, if at all, in the spectrum of the BDSM lifestyle. Have we each studied more, asked more questions, shared more, mentored more, researched more, practiced more, done more, given more, and/or experienced more? Has the climate of diversity in kink improved in the last year? Has there been a shift toward or away from openness for POC, particularly Black/African Americans, within alternative lifestyles overall? Have you achieved any particular goals in your own personal kinky existence over the last year?

While we take time on reflection, please visit the 28 entries of Kinky Black History Month, 2013 edition. They are as follows:

Please send all submissions for Kinky Black History Month to kinkybutterfly@outlook.com. Thank you!
Photo credit: Aristocrats-hat / CC BY-NC

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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101 Ideas To Make Your Slave Feel Owned (i.e. Loved) http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/101-ideas-make-slave-feel-owned-e-loved/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/101-ideas-make-slave-feel-owned-e-loved/#comments Fri, 20 Dec 2013 17:43:01 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3662 This author of this article is unknown and the full content has been left intact.   One of the main factors for me in feeling...

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This author of this article is unknown and the full content has been left intact.

 

One of the main factors for me in feeling truly Owned is to be constantly reminded throughout the day of Master’s control. These reminders can be subtle or really obtrusive (heheheh). The more often a slave is reminded of her submission, the deeper it becomes… and the more fulfilling. So here are some ideas You might want to try… And no matter what rules You decide to make Your own, please… be consistent. If You are unwilling to take the time to enforce the rules You make, then there may as well be no rules at all. There is nothing in the world that will make a slave feel less loved than to have a Master/Mistress who ignores her transgressions and does not exert Their Dominance.

  1. Have her wear slave bells. The constant soft jingling of the bells is soothing and a certain reminder of her submission.
  2. When she has broken a rule, talk to her as You punish….and make her speak in detail about why what she did was wrong.
  3. Make her take her shoes off every day as soon as she enters Your house.
  4. A beautiful, special collar will make any slave joyous. Take the time to select the right one, and have her wear it as often as possible.
  5. Have her call You each day at a specified time, no excuses.
  6. Give her anklets and tell her she must wear one of them every day, no excuses.
  7. Whenever possible (i.e. no curious young-uns about), have her kneel before You and ask to accompany You upon the furniture.
  8. Choose her hairstyle and go with her to get it cut to Your specifications.
  9. Whenever possible (i.e. no curious young-uns about), have her display herself whenever You come into the room…..legs spread, shirt unbuttoned. No matter what position You take, she is to be sure Your view is unobstructed
  10. When around the kids or vanilla friends/family, make sure she has an alternative title for You besides Master…..such as “my Love” etc.
  11. Use her sexually in a rough, selfish way when You feel like it….interrupting whatever she was doing.
  12. Chose a food that she dislikes and have her eat a small portion every day for a week.
  13. Have her crawl to bed each night.
  14. Bring her a stuffed animal each time You go our of town. ~grin~
  15. Choose her clothing each day.
  16. Have her get Your daily wardrobe ready for You the night before….laid out, ironed etc.
  17. After punishment, have her kiss Your boots and thank You for loving her enough to correct her.
  18. Have her bring a warm towel and wash and massage Your feet each day after work.
  19. Get her tattooed (Your choice of art and location).
  20. Get her pierced (or preferably if You are trained, do it Yourself).
  21. Get her branded.
  22. Respect, but push her limits.
  23. Ask her each night what she did that day that You would not have approved of. *grin* This gets her in the habit of being completely honest, and also makes her conscious of the things she could do better each day.
  24. Teach her exactly how You want her to kneel, and demand perfection.
  25. Reward her by allowing her to please You sexually.
  26. Supervise her workout routine.
  27. Each night she is to kneel next to the bed asking permission to sleep with her Master, and each night she does, she is to kneel by the bed in the morning and thank her Master for the privilege.
  28. Have her polish Your boots weekly, on her knees at Your feet.
  29. Negotiate until you are both comfortable with the terms and then sign a contract.
  30. Giver her a writing assignment: “The definition of Pain – 1000 words”
  31. Have her keep a diary of her journey into submission.
  32. Instruct her that she may never get herself something to eat or drink in Your presence without first asking You if You want something.
  33. Some evenings, keep her on a leash and take her with You no matter what You do….even if You do not speak to her or include her in Your activities.
  34. When appropriate, she is to speak when spoken to.
  35. Reward her by giving her delicious pleasure.
  36. On occasion, share her.
  37. When it suits You, instruct her not to make eye contact with You without Your command.
  38. Have her keep her body clean shaven at all times.
  39. Conduct random inspections of her body to make sure she keeps herself to Your specifications.
  40. Make her wear a butt-plug under her clothes whenever she goes out alone.
  41. For transgressions: have her write Your name on the bottom of her foot and tell her to remember she is walking on You with each step. (This is harder to do that You might think….)
  42. Master the art of the meaningful piercing stare…..
  43. Give her reading assignments.
  44. Test her on the reading assignments, to make sure she learned the appropriate lessons from each.
  45. Instruct her to keep her toenails painted perfectly everyday, and check to see that they are before bed
  46. Make it her responsibility to put the toys away after play and punishment, and to keep them clean and neat.
  47. Reward her by letting her name her favorite scene, toys, etc.
  48. Call her Your ****, Your pet, etc.
  49. Have her make a list of the 10 things that make her the most self-conscious, uncomfortable or embarrassed.
  50. Work with her, having her do the things on the list (if possible), so that she conquers those fears and hesitations.
  51. Sometimes, pamper her…..wash her body and hair, having her remain perfectly still as You turn her and move her about.
  52. Hand feed her like a small child on occasion.
  53. Have her eat from a dog bowl on occasion.
  54. For transgressions: make her wear a sign to the next public function naming her crime. (ouch)
  55. Praise her dedication when she has pleased You well.
  56. Instruct her that she is never to touch Your body without permission.
  57. Have her write a meditation about her submission, devotion and trust in You….to be said aloud each night before falling asleep.
  58. Some days allow her no clothing whatsoever (when practical).
  59. For transgressions: deny her play. No pain for you, bad girl….hehehe.
  60. In the same ilk, For transgressions: deny her ******…..give her sex, but she can’t ***.
  61. For transgressions: Command that she is to be silent for a week. She may not speak, and will take whatever pain or pleasure You give as silently as possible.
  62. Treat her like a pet in front of friends, making her present herself, turn herself, etc.
  63. Giver her a writing assignment: “The definition of Obedience – 1000 words”
  64. Have her wear a toe ring.
  65. Tell her one morning that she must *** for You 15 times that day, and then write about the day.
  66. Have her wear nipple clamps under her clothing out to dinner.
  67. On Your birthday, let her receive Your spankings.
  68. Spend time training her how to move gracefully to please You.
  69. For transgressions: stand her in the corner like a 3 year old.
  70. Always flog her after completion of a task, even if it was satisfactory. A well flogged slave is a happy slave.
  71. Speak about her as if she were not present.
  72. For transgressions: deny her any D/s at all for a week…..letting her do just as she pleases, not allowing her to serve You in any way, no punishment, no instruction, no play, banning titles of respect, etc. This will shame her and certainly make her strive to please You when it is over and she is in her place again.
  73. Defend her honor to those who would disrespect Your prized possession.
  74. Pet her often.
  75. Make her be webMistress for Your huge site, DallasBDSM. hehehehe
  76. Whenever possible (i.e. no young-uns about), have her sleep in a cage.
  77. Buy her sexy or slutty clothes to Your liking.
  78. Teach her things….expand her knowledge…..in a patient Fatherly way.
  79. When You are away, call her and have her ********** for You.
  80. If You choose to play with others, make sure Your slave knows who is first in Your heart…..and that some things are just for her.
  81. Remember her birthday.
  82. Lead her with a loving fist in her hair.
  83. Wake her each morning with an assigned task for the day…..and make sure it is done by day’s end.
  84. Teach her patience.
  85. Videotape Your sessions and watch them together.
  86. On long trips, have her wear double ***** latex underwear.
  87. Hand feed her chocolate.
  88. Have her place her regular wear shoes in a line by the front door. They should be in a straight line with the laces tucked inside, or the buckles buckled. Inspect them periodically.
  89. Keep a list of her transgressions in a little book….let her slip for a while…thinking You are not noticing…..then one day, bring out the book and have a day of atonement.
  90. Tickle her just because You can.
  91. Have her be perfectly still and quiet while You bring her extreme pleasure…..when she moves or makes a sound punish her then return to the pleasure.
  92. Keep her locked in her collar when You are home. You place it on her…..having her kneel. Wear the key to the lock around Your neck.
  93. When possible, have her cook and serve Your dinner wearing nothing but an apron and collar.
  94. Buy her a Polaroid camera and give her assignments to take pictures of herself for You in certain outfits or positions, etc.
  95. Remember to kiss and caress away her tears.
  96. Don’t be afraid to bring her to tears, for they are Yours as well.
  97. Take her and the dog to the park, both on leashes.
  98. Caress her, whisper into her ear that You love her, nibble on her belly, lick her thighs and make love to her until she cries.
  99. Have her fall asleep with Your **** in her mouth and tell her You expect it to be there when You awake.
  100. Occasionally, fulfill her fantasy.
  101. Master’s word is the last word.

Addendum

Make sure that she is safe at all times….when with You and when You are apart (to the best of Your ability). Keep her vehicle in good working order, make sure she has emergency money and a cell phone to call for help if needed.

Be consistent.

Take the time to talk to her…..learn her fears, her dreams and fantasies. Use Your knowledge.

When You go out of town, forbid her to shave her sex. Shave her Yourself when You return.

Specify exactly how she will address You in private and in public.

If You are willing to correct her each time she forgets until it is a habit, have her refer to herself as “this slave” or “this girl” etc.

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S&M Scening – Preparing for Playtime http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/sm-scening-preparing-playtime/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/sm-scening-preparing-playtime/#comments Tue, 03 Sep 2013 19:11:25 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3633 Kinky people scene (play) for numerous reasons. Sometimes it’s just for fun; sometimes it’s for wholistic (or holistic) reasons; sometimes it’s simply because, on occasion,...

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Kinky people scene (play) for numerous reasons. Sometimes it’s just for fun; sometimes it’s for wholistic (or holistic) reasons; sometimes it’s simply because, on occasion, we can be dark fucks who like to engage in dark fuckery.

Whatever the reason for partaking in this beautifully kinky art form, it’s important to remember there are risks involved. Physical play can require a lot from a body, including being pulled, lifted, stretched, tied/bound, shackled, hit and more. The mental (and sometimes emotional) requirements can be high as well. It’s imperative to prepare the mind and the body for a pending S&M session.

Here are a few tips and ideas to get you started (listed in no particular order of relevance or importance). Note – these tidbits are most helpful when you’re aware of when your play will start and have enough time for extended prep.

Stretch!

Stopping a scene because of a cramp isn’t fun. You can reduce or eliminate the potential for muscular issues and the like by doing a fair amount of stretching before play. A tightly-wound body means a tense body; a tense body can greatly increase the risk for injury. Stretch all muscle groups, the neck, the back and the chest to ensure you’re as limber as possible. Focus on the areas that tend to give you the most trouble without overworking them. I recommend some style of yoga.

Hydrate!

waterThere can’t be enough said for having a well-hydrated body. Ever been so worn after a session that you could barely move? Was it that heavy a scene or is there a chance you were not hydrated enough before play? A dehydrated body can lead to dry mouth, lowered blood pressure, headache, dizziness, muscle fatigue and more. None of these are welcome in a scene and can be quite dangerous. Good ol’ water is both the prevention and the cure. Begin hydrating as early as possible. If you know you’ll be playing in 2 days, start hydrating at least the next day, 24 hours before play. This gives you a chance to replenish yourself if you’re low on fluids, plus increase your stores in preparation for hot, potentially sweaty play. Lastly, avoid caffeinated and sugary drinks before a scene.

Have a snack!

Our bodies need energy, and S&M play can require lots of it. Before play, boost your intake with high-fiber, high-carb foods. Some recommend high levels of protein for extended energy. A best bet may be as simple as an egg on whole-wheat toast. Also, be sure to consider your timing. Unless hurling is going to be a part of your play, you may need to eat at least a couple of hours before your session is scheduled to start.

Release negative energy!

If you’ve been holding onto negativity all day or you’re filled with worry, it is important to release as much of it as possible before beginning a heavy-hitting kinky scene. Picture track stars loosening their muscles by shaking out their arms and legs before getting in position to run. Copy these motions and imagine yourself releasing the negative through the shaking motion. This all may sound quite hocus pocus, and perhaps it is, but the point is to remove what could make you tense during play so you can make room for what could make you pleased during play.

Shower and soften!

coconuts-smallThere are surely those who like dirty play in the literal sense… mud and all, but for the rest of us who enjoy the neater side of our kinkery, much can be said for getting cleaned and groomed in preparation for a scene. At the very least, a warm shower can add to one’s relaxation. Cleanliness can also improve one’s level of confidence for a style of play that is highly intimate. Also consider moisturizing the skin very well. Skin that has been treated with a softener is more pliable and elastic, much better suited for the rigors of activities like grabbing, rope bondage, etc. I highly recommend pure coconut oil due to it’s great ability to be absorbed by the skin, it’s low scent and it’s fantastic ability to soften skin. The bonus is that it is naturally antibacterial, antiviral and antifungal.

Listen!

Play some soothing music of choice while you prepare and wait for a scene to begin. Music can soothe the beast in most of us and is an easy way to help release racing, clingy thoughts before play. Visit The Perfect Scene Music Collection for some tips on how to choose the best tunes for your pre-kinky relaxation.

A pastime!

Do whatever relaxes you. If a favorite pastime is knitting, by all means, knit a new sweater all the way up until the first paddle is taken out of the toy bag. You might, however, want to avoid activities that involve stressing the body — running a quick 5k before a heavy session might not be the best advice for most of us.

Meditate!

If you are a practitioner of meditation, you can probably already attest to the benefits of this practice. Why not incorporate it into your pre-play warm-up? Find your favorite spot and let the quiet begin.

Take 15!

Take a break and do absolutely nothing. Take just 15 minutes before play to laze around on the couch with remote in hand and watch a favorite show on TV. End your phone conversation, the endless texting, and get off Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. Use this time as your personal 15-minute holiday, worry-free, stress-free and gadget-free before play.

Practice mindfulness!

Learn how to appreciate being “in the moment” and in the here and now. The art of mindfulness should be practiced regularly, but can be applied at any given time. Being mindful can be a huge part of the success of a scene, so it makes sense to employ it as part of scene preparation as well. Look up mindfulness.

Drugs/alcohol?

alcoholOn a personal level, I’ve done this. In fact, I enjoy a little libation before play (I’ve been playing for a long time). I’ve found a half glass of wine (or a shot of my favorite dark liquor) is great for helping me relax before what I know could be a long, involved session. I’ve even had a toke or two during a scene. It’s important to note a few critical points, however: Drugs and alcohol dull the senses. There is no way around this. Once the senses are dulled, to whatever degree, the potential for risk in the scene increases. There is no way around this, either. The top or the bottom (or, Zeus forbid, both) can misjudge a single action or reaction, leading to a potentially very serious result. Do I say no to all intake of substances before play? No. But the cautions are more than just a light tale. Take care.

Questions

What things do you do to prepare for play time?

What advice would you give others?

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Golden Showers – Saturday Morning Marking http://www.thekinkrealm.com/true-kinky-tales/golden-showers-saturday-morning-marking/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/true-kinky-tales/golden-showers-saturday-morning-marking/#comments Sun, 01 Sep 2013 20:38:35 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3204 I woke the him up the usual way. I grabbed a tall blue glass, filled it half way with cubes, then poured in water from...

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I woke the him up the usual way. I grabbed a tall blue glass, filled it half way with cubes, then poured in water from the jug in the fridge like he likes it. Taking my usual morning position, I kneeled just outside the bedroom door waiting with his ice water. Softly I said “Sir”, repeating it a few times, gradually increasing my volume as to wake this sleeping bear up gently. As I expected, he was tired and I was put on snooze patrol a couple of times. The 3rd time being a charm, he woke up now sufficiently rested.

After a bit of full-body stretching and a solid yawn, he directed me to enter the room, both with a verbal “Come in” and a hand motion. Normally, an upward hand motion, as he did this time, means I can stand and walk in casually; a downward hand motion means to crawl in to him, take my position and begin giving him a blowjob. I’ve come to learn that the hand motions retain their original meanings at 4 in the afternoon, but in the haze of just waking up in the mornings, every hand motion means blowjob.

He seemed to enjoy me sucking him off, warming and lubricating him with my mouth. I enjoyed it as well — being on my knees at the side of the bed, my face in his groin and my tongue pleasing my owner.

After a few minutes, he stopped me to indulge in a little impact play. Then he spoke. “Get up on the bed” is a line I’m quite familiar with. Anxious and ready to feel him inside me, I quickly mounted the mattress…. knees planted apart, face down, ass up, pussy wet. He slid himself into me, grabbing my hips and pulling me to him for a full and complete entry. I shrieked for the first few thrusts as it seemed like he was longer and thicker than ever, or perhaps I was more swollen and tighter than ever. Every stroke increased the sensation I felt from the one before it, and my shrieks soon transitioned into pleasure screams and moans.

This loving he was giving me was smooth and silky like Marvin Gaye’s Sexual Healing, yet raw and raunchy like Lil Rob’s Bring Out The Freak In You.

marvin-vs-rob

Soon I was off the bed and back down on my knees, this time with him positioned squarely standing over me. My head movements and sucking actions were controlled by his firm grip of my hair and the heat that fueled his ferocity.

“There’s something I haven’t done in a long time. I haven’t marked you.”

But then suddenly he stopped. Looking down at me, he said “There’s something I haven’t done in a long time. I haven’t marked you.” My mind raced for a moment, bouncing between thoughts of what he may have meant by marking. Maybe he means marking me with a tool that leaves welts, I thought, or maybe bruising like when he bit my inner thighs. Perhaps he means literally marking me with black ink, like when he wrote on my ass. Behind curtain number 3 was my face being marked with his hot creamy cum dripping down my cheek and across my lips.

I was surprised when he didn’t motion to do any of those things, but instead grabbed another chunk of my hair and told me to get up. He forcefully lead me to the master bathroom and quite sternly directed me to get into the tub. At this point, I no longer wondered what he meant by marking me.

“I’m marking MY property!” he said strongly, as if, him being King of the jungle, he wanted to ensure every living being knew that THIS belongs to HIM.

In that deep commanding voice, he instructed me to face the front of the tub, putting my right side directly in the line of his liquid fire. And then it began. My owner aimed his warm stream of pee at me, coating my arm… trickles of wetness dripping off my fingertips. He ordered me to turn around, then peed on my left side.

“Face me” was what I heard next. As I quickly pivoted on my knees to present my front side to him, he began to pee across my shoulders and all over my breasts. Some splashed up onto my chin, and a few droplets landed on my lips, as I realized later when I could taste him on my tongue.

Surely, he had relieved himself enough for the capacity of 3 grown men.

Surely, he had relieved himself enough for the capacity of 3 grown men. I was saturated. I couldn’t imagine there was anything left to squeeze out. But he had at least a partial load of urine left to share. He had me turn to the side again facing the back of the tub and then bend down low. Little did I know he was positioning me to make the flow of his pee travel straight down the crack of my ass. I felt every drop that formed the stream bathing my asshole then dripping off me, an occasional light trickle traveling down the valley of my pussy and dripping off my clit.

“Stay there!” And he exited the bathroom. He left me there in a white tub filled with puddles of golden piss. Still leaning over, my face was inches from his urine. My body was covered in it… my shoulders, arms, fingers, breasts, back, ass and pussy.. even my toes. I was cold. That warm stream of his pee left droplets all over me that were cooling, leaving me shivering and messy.

I had been marked.

Upon his return (which seemed like forever), I was happy to see him turn on the shower water. As if it was to be my reward, I looked forward to a warm washing of another sort. Something about him extending a hand and leading me from the tub to the shower was comforting, as was the shower and the towel he held open wide for me when I was done.

I appreciate the golden shower from my owner. Before I came around, he really had little to no interest in watersports. The first time he washed me in his piss it was for me. I am pleased that this time he did it for himself. I was not humiliated. I was humbled.

Note: This true story was originally published on my Tumblr here. The picture is the dry “before” shot from a previous session of ours involving piss play (09/2012). See the full golden shower post here. And lastly, to “Anonymous” who asked “Water sports: Yay or Nay?” the answer is a resounding Yay (with someone I trust).

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The Power of Vulnerability http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/power-of-vulnerability/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/power-of-vulnerability/#comments Sun, 01 Sep 2013 15:59:19 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3601 To embrace submission is to embrace vulnerability, wouldn’t you say? Enjoy this TED Talk on worthiness and human connection and vulnerability by Brené Brown (see...

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To embrace submission is to embrace vulnerability, wouldn’t you say?

Enjoy this TED Talk on worthiness and human connection and vulnerability by Brené Brown (see the original page here).

The people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they’re worthy of love and belonging. 6:50
These are whole-hearted people living from this deep sense of worthiness. 8:08
They had connection as a result of authenticity. They were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were. 9:24
What made them vulnerable made them beautiful. 9:50
Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, bit it appears that it’s also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love. 12:45
What are we doing with vulnerability? Why do we struggle with it so much? 14:27
Can I believe in this this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this? 19:36
To feel this vulnerable means I’m alive. 19:45
Thanks to SirStompsalot for recommending this piece to me!

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Cunt Punt – The Safe & Fun Way http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/cunt-punt-the-safe-fun-way/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/cunt-punt-the-safe-fun-way/#comments Wed, 28 Aug 2013 22:03:12 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3558 You may be familiar with the idea that a swift kick or punch to the jewels is something that’s desired by the occasional jewel-bearing (often...

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You may be familiar with the idea that a swift kick or punch to the jewels is something that’s desired by the occasional jewel-bearing (often male) submissive. Those subs tend to enjoy, to whatever degree, a good ol’ hit to the junk. But did you know that some vagina-bearing submissives also appreciate something similar?

Introducing the Cunt Punt, S&M style

If you like pussy spanking, you may like a cunt punt.

A kick to the “cunt” is really a kick to the vulva. The vulva has many major and minor anatomical structures, including the labia majora, mons pubis, labia minora, clitoris, bulb of vestibule, vulval vestibule, greater and lesser vestibular glands, and the opening of the vagina.1 Impact play in this area can bring elements of both pain and pleasure, depending on how the impact is applied and the perception of sensations of the recipient. But there are some factors and caveats to consider.

The vulva is extremely sensitive to pleasure or pain due to its vast number of mechanoreceptors (nerve endings). Mechanoreceptors are pressure sensors in the human body, responsible for feeling any external changes. In the vulva, they number around 8000. Vulvular injuries are rare because its structure offers some natural protection, therefore it is protected from various forms of injuries.

Know thy parts

Diagram 1

Diagram 1

Before you begin the puntfest, it’s a good idea to know where, and on what, your foot is about to land. Let’s face it… it’s all fun and games until someone’s foot is fractured.

Diagram 1 shows the various parts of the vulva, any of which could be the target of a hit, but some areas can generally fare better than others.

Starting with the mons pubis (Latin for “pubic mound”) — kicking in this area could prove problematic. The mons pubis lays directly above the pubic bone which a a kicker may feel upon impact. However, the mons pubis is made up of fatty tissue, and in some, the mound is thicker and fattier than the mound of others. Some mounds can withstand a kick and provide enough cushion for your…. pushin’.

The clitoral area is a favorite spot of those who enjoy a little clit torture (or pleasure, depending on the application and your view!). The clitoris is the human female’s most sensitive erogenous zone and the primary source of female sexual pleasure.2 Do keep in mind that the clit and it’s sub-workings (especially the glans, the pea-shaped protrusion) are highly sensitive and are estimated to have around 8,000 sensory nerve endings – more than any other part of the human body.2 Some believe that over-stimulation can desensitization of the clitoris, even by way of over-aggressive use of a vibrator. If this is the case, a foot kicking may also have the same effect. A decrease in sensitivity can also come with the fluctuation of hormones and an increase in age. Less sensitivity by any means should signal the need for increased care when applying force to the area, as the recipient may find it harder to judge when enough is too much.

The labia, including the labia majora and labia minora, are probably best bets for a good calculated kick. The outer lips, like the mons pubis, are mostly fatty tissue and can be thick (or “fat”) in some and a little less plump in others. It makes sense that the more cushion offered, the better tolerant the area is to impact.

All female genitalia can vary in size and shape and look, but in general, the labia majora at least partially conceal the inner parts, including the labia minora. For those whose inner lips tend to be more readily visible, kick with care. Those lips are thinner and softer. While they may not be as filled with nerve endings as other parts, in some, the clitoral hood hangs down further and look like part of the inner lips. A kick could land a bit too high. It’s important to know your target.

If you like ass kicking, you may like a cunt punt.

The vulval vestibule3 is the smooth inner area that houses the urethral opening and vaginal opening. This could be exposed in some kick recipients, depending on their body structure. It may not seem like much care would be needed here, but it is. While the female urethra is internal, it (by way of the urethral opening) is also at risk for damage. The urethra is vulnerable because of its close relation to the pubic bones and the puboprostatic ligaments, but there is less risk of damage in females because of shorter length, internal location, increased elasticity, and less rigid attachment to the adjacent pubic bones.4

Something in favor of the cunt punt is the fact that the mons pubis, clitoris and labia majora all tend to become engorged with sexual arousal. The more she’s turned on, chances are, the better a punt can be received.

Watch those bones!

The foot contains 26 bones which accounts for 25% of the bones in the human body.5

Let’s not get too crazy. A cunt punt can add a lot to a scene, but let’s not go breaking any bones! See Diagram 2 for the proximation of the (very real and very hard) pubic bone. Now see Diagram 3 to understand the potential for injury to the numerous foot bones that could come into play, including the metatarsals, cunieform, cuboid and navicular bones.

Diagram 2 Click to enlarge

Diagram 2
Click to enlarge

cp-foot-bones

Diagram 3
Click to enlarge

Let the kicking begin!

You read all that? And now you’re ready to start kicking? Great!

Firstly, check your shoe. If you plan on kicking with shoes on, check for parts that might add to a painful (and potentially harmful) impact. This even includes the knot in your shoe string. Is the top of your shoe smooth, flat, bumpy, rough, padded? Maybe you should consider taking your shoes off altogether to be safe.

Are your feet clean? If you just came in from your professional Corporate Mud Squishing position, you may want to wash your feet first. The vadge and vulva and all it’s parts tend to dislike the introduction of unclean foreign materials. Of note: beware of kicking the vaginal area with the bottom of the foot. Understand that each time you lift your foot and place it near the vaginal opening, you are delivering every speck of dirt and germs that adhered to your foot from the floor.

Are they clothed? You can catch more flies with honey. You can also deliver more pain when kicking through silk than through jeans.

The labia is on average 9.3 cm in length, or 3.6 inches.

Flat kick or toe kick? A flat kick (potentially) means more surface-to-surface area upon contact, making for a thuddier, more muted kick (especially if the target is the labia area beyond the pubic bone). A bonus is the chance to switch things up a bit and kick the inner thighs. If planning a toe kick, good luck! And know there’s a chance you won’t need to wear a cast… just one of those black cast boots during the healing process. Tip: try a kick from the side of the foot, but careful….! Your recipient may receive a much more painful impact.

Where are you? Are you kicking from the front? If so, visualize how your foot will land and aim for the padded area where possible. Kicking from the back? Even better. Your subject can be placed at various angles best suited for a kick, plus it’s a perfect position for them to grab onto something to brace themselves.

Where are they? Is your subject sitting down? There’s a good chance you’ll catch more mound (mons pubis) with your foot than anything (beware of the underlying bone), as well as an increased risk of stubbing your toe on the floor. Tip: try having them lay down. At least in this position you can catch more of the outer labia and possible some butt cheek as well.

In closing

Why would anyone want to cunt punt, or be the recipient of a cunt punt? Why? Because it’s fun. duh…

Watch those bones and take care of your partner.

Credits/sources:
Wikipedia (1) (2) (3)
4) Radiographics
5) Foot.com
Images from (1) (2) (3)

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Advice on Starting in Kink http://www.thekinkrealm.com/bdsm-introductions/advice-on-starting-in-kink/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/bdsm-introductions/advice-on-starting-in-kink/#comments Fri, 23 Aug 2013 20:13:45 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3487 Anonymous asked: When you first began to seriously explore kink, would you say you started off slow and ramped up over time? Do you have...

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Anonymous asked:

When you first began to seriously explore kink, would you say you started off slow and ramped up over time? Do you have a word of advice for people new to kinky explorations?

You can say I started slowly. I spent a fair amount of time talking, asking questions, trying to relate to people, reading and researching with great interest. I didn’t jump into anything on a one-on-one level immediately, although I felt the sub frenzies very early on and didn’t wait too long to actually DO something. When I did, a good hair brush to my back side really helped get past those frenzies so I could focus on learning and absorbing more.

For those interested in or are new to kink:

Read & study, talk & ask. Go to every site, glance into every forum, read every book and gain all the knowledge you care to. Ask any and all questions that come to mind, even those you may feel are small or obvious. Talk to those who have already walked your path and have experience under their belt. Of course, as with any resource, take some things with a grain of salt. Don’t be afraid to trust your judgment, tossing out ideals that don’t fit well and adopting those that do.

Take your time (or not). BDSM, in it’s organized form, has been around for many a year, and it’s not going anywhere. There really is more cause to take one’s time (learn, grow, practice) than there is to speed into things. Aspects of the lifestyle are inherently more psychologically and physically risky than styles of vanilla living; diving in head first without adequate knowledge, sufficient training & practice and the readiness to perform can greatly increase the risk of harm to oneself or to others.

stopwatchThe “or not” part. Frenzy (or frenzies) is a real thing. A frenzy is “a state or period of uncontrolled excitement or wild behavior.” In kink speak, it’s a feeling of excitement, restlessness and high needs/wants with a great desire for something/anything to happen ASAP, often the urge to dominate or be dominated right away. This is often heard as sub frenzy, but it is not limited to submissives! Anyone in any role at any time and at any level of experience may fall prey to kink frenzies. For this, it may be of benefit to find a partner who is willing to help guide you past this phase, even if it means a quickie spanking session to help ease you back down into a calm, focused state.

We’re kind of like them. Don’t forget that the kink population is (generally) directly proportional to what you find represented in the general population, meaning we have just as many kooks, predators and no-gooders as vanillas (percentage-wise), so proceed with caution. Trust your gut. Happily, we also have a community of passionate, sincere, considerate people who will take you in, teach you, nurture you and be concerned about your best interests. Just be careful of entering into the lifestyle expecting things (and people) to be magical. We are very real and very representative of what you’d normally find, plus the joys of kink.

Don’t lock yourself into any particular label until and unless you’re ready. It’s OK if you aren’t 100% sure of exactly where you fit. You needn’t decide on day one whether you’re 100% submissive, dominant, top, bottom, or any other label. Being kink-fluid is perfectly acceptable. You may find that next week, or in a decade, you feel more comfortable in a role that is different from one you’ve previous claimed.

Hold tightly to your ideals but be prepared for change. Change happens all around us whether we choose it or not, but personal change is greatly a matter of choice. One need not lose long-held standards and beliefs just to satisfy the demands of kink (generally speaking). Gaining or losing your religion, for example, doesn’t have to be at all a part of your contribution to the world of kink. Still, a large part of BDSM is being open to growth and achievement. It’s not uncommon to encounter new ideas, types of people you’ve not met before, and experiences yet unknown. Shunning all change could easily mean stunting one’s own growth not only in the lifestyle, but as an individual as well.

Remember everyone was a newbie once. Everyone started where you are and no one person has all the answers. It’s OK if you don’t know everything from the beginning. The key is to be open to learning from all helpful sources.

check2Accept yourself and enjoy your life, Part I. It can be so exhilarating to first learn about BDSM… finding there’s actually a name for what we’ve always felt and wanted. Realizing there are many more like ourselves is the icing on the cake. The dichotomy of this discovery is the revelation that we are a minority. Those who identify openly as kinksters only make up about 11% of the (US) population. That leaves a great majority of v-types who may see us as odd, deviant and perverted, and maybe we are! Should that stop you? No way! Stay within the limits of the law and your own moral stance and forever enjoy living your life as it suits you, kink and all.

Accept yourself and enjoy your life, Part II. The road to self-identity can be the toughest part of the journey. We may feel open, progressive, or even advanced in our thinking, but many have to fight the demons that reside in our thoughts — women should be demure, men don’t submit, legs should remain in a closed position, etc. Often those demons are placed on us very early and continue for a lifetime. Surround yourself with similar people — kinksters, that is — who have already fought this battle and exist comfortably with kink as part of their lives – happily, unapologetically and unabashedly.

I initially responded to this question in part at kinkyButterfly.net.

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What is a V-type? http://www.thekinkrealm.com/bdsm-introductions/what-is-a-v-type/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/bdsm-introductions/what-is-a-v-type/#comments Fri, 23 Aug 2013 20:12:25 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3510 What is a v-type? it’s simple really. I started using this term so much that I decided to coin it, if phrases can still be...

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What is a v-type? it’s simple really. I started using this term so much that I decided to coin it, if phrases can still be coined these days.

vtype

Click to enlarge

In the lifestyle, conveniently we use the term D-type to denote a person in a D/s dynamic who assumes the dominant role. D-types can include Dominants, Dommes, Femdoms, Masters, Mistresses, ProDommes, Owners, tops, sadists and more. The term s-type is used to denote a person in a D/s dynamic who assumes the submissive role. s-types can include femsubs, malesubs, slaves, pets, property, bottoms, masochists and more.

I appreciate these terms because they are gender-neutral and also don’t lock the user into assumed role assignments, only the broader kink categories.

A v-type is simply a vanilla, non-kinky person. It is a widely inclusive term to speak of anyone who doesn’t happen to be into kink.

Some v-types tend to dislike the term vanilla, or perhaps more so how it’s used. In certain circumstances, talk of non-kinky people may border on elitist, or even just special, as if kinksters are a breed apart… a better, more progressive, forward-thinking breed, whereas non-kinksters are prudish, judgmental and behind the times. Whether we mean to come across as such or not in our speech, at times where semantics and titles matter, perhaps “v-type” is a better suited term than vanilla.

Potato potato.

Phrase coined on 3-24-2013.

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After Someone Has Lied… http://www.thekinkrealm.com/submissively-speaking/after-someone-has-lied/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/submissively-speaking/after-someone-has-lied/#comments Tue, 20 Aug 2013 22:48:42 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3442 If you found out that someone had lied to you about something significant from the beginning, would you want to rebuild the relationship or walk...

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If you found out that someone had lied to you about something significant from the beginning, would you want to rebuild the relationship or walk away? What is your personal ‘line of tolerance on honesty’?

Knowing how imperfect we are as simple humans, I would likely be willing to work past the initial injury, especially if I have something substantial developed (or even in the making) with that person. The bigger block is when that person continues to lie and lie and lie, adding insult to what could have been an amendable injury. IMHO, that is the apex of pure and utter silliness.

The fact that someone would risk what you have together in order to hold on to further lies speaks volumes to at least 2 things:

  1. They do not value you as a person or as a part of your dynamic.
  2. They have a defective trait that simply won’t allow them to come clean.

In either case, the end result is not a palatable one.

Speaking from the perspective of an s-type, I personally expect more from a D-type than the immaturity it takes to fuel such deceit. To be in a position of granted and assumed power, then to intentionally and maliciously deceive (after all, an intended lie is a malicious lie), is to willfully degrade the roles of both the D and the s, and potentially set the s-type up for extended and lasting harm. Lest we forget, in the lifestyle, we often put ourselves in physical harm’s way far more than our vanilla counterparts, but we also open ourselves up to psychological harm. To be negligent in the duty of trust caretaker is cause for dismissal.

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I bend, but I do not break. http://www.thekinkrealm.com/submissively-speaking/i-bend-but-i-do-not-break/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/submissively-speaking/i-bend-but-i-do-not-break/#comments Tue, 20 Aug 2013 16:15:37 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3431 I repeat this mantra by Jean de La Fontaine on occasion, especially during challenging times, including times when my very submission is pushed to the...

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I repeat this mantra by Jean de La Fontaine on occasion, especially during challenging times, including times when my very submission is pushed to the brink.

As a submissive, I live in a role of service. I have a goal of pleasing. This often translates into giving of myself… a lot. Give give give give give try give more and try again. But just because I’m on this noble mission, it doesn’t mean my partner(s) of choice are on that same mission. Sometimes they can end up being dirty, rotten, low down.

Facing trying times where the scales are greatly uneven — a sub giving all she has and it not being met in kind by her D-type — she can be faced with a tremendous amount of self-doubt, lingering questions that are never answered, and left feeling as if maybe it all wasn’t even worth the effort. Having one’s own submission questioned in this way can be detrimental to one’s lifestyle health.

Or does it have to be…..?

From every challenge can come some light. After wading through the muck left behind by a once-hopeful kink dynamic, finding one’s light again entails lots of self-hugging — self-affirmation, self-reassurance, self-motivation, self-soothing, self-bolstering and self-love. All of these things are positive and represent an uplifting… the slow but sure rise from a seriously bended position to a greatly and proudly upright position.

At some point, you realize you were never truly broken. You may allow someone the power to mold you, but you would never allow anyone to break you.

In a broken state, one cannot serve well. My submission is the culmination of all my strength and desire and passion. Being broken is not a part of this recipe. After a hardship, you would think that submitting again is counterproductive to sanity, but my submission comes from my core. It holds so much power that no other person can strip it from me.

I continue to RISE so I can kneel again. I bend, but I do not break.

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Kinkspiration – Star Tweets http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/kinkspiration-star-tweets/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/kinkspiration-star-tweets/#comments Wed, 31 Jul 2013 12:45:47 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3227 The following is a collection of favorite tweets from various Twitter users (tweeps) that are kinky, kink-inspiring, or just plain entertaining (or all of the...

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The following is a collection of favorite tweets from various Twitter users (tweeps) that are kinky, kink-inspiring, or just plain entertaining (or all of the above). Which is your favorite tweet in the list?

Note: TKR has no control over the avatars (user icons) seen in the list. Also, if you are listed here, the tweet was public, but I will be happy to remove it!

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A Top’s 3 Best Tools http://www.thekinkrealm.com/bdsm-introductions/a-tops-3-best-tools/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/bdsm-introductions/a-tops-3-best-tools/#comments Sun, 07 Jul 2013 18:44:27 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3211 Often, when someone takes an interest in adopting the role of “top” (or dominant) in a kinky dynamic, they believe they will need to spend...

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Often, when someone takes an interest in adopting the role of “top” (or dominant) in a kinky dynamic, they believe they will need to spend an inordinate amount of money on new and fancy tools & toys. Certainly, that’s a viable option, but it really is incumbent upon those new to kink, as well as those who are seasoned veterans, to understand the tools they already have at their disposal.

Below are a top’s 3 best tools, no extra equipment necessary.

Your mind

post-thinkingmanYour mind is the source of your creativity, the engine that powers your convictions, drives your passions & desires and confirms your body’s needs. Your mind ultimately determines when you should stop and when you should go harder. Your mind helps you read your partner and decipher the mood of the moment. Your mind is the canvas in the great art of the mindfuck. Use the power for good or for deviousness, which can also be good.

Just like sex starts long before a trip to the bedroom, a scene can start long before as well. Practice ways to incite excitement and a mood… even a mysteriously dark mood (I call it “dark mode”), well before the scene starts. But don’t stop there; the emotional energy exchange can be an integral part of the scene. Connect your energies and allow your mind to… go… there.

Your voice

sound-micYou can whisper or yell, change inflection, vary your intonation, or even speak in another language. Your voice, taking it’s lead from your mind, is a very powerful tool. Often, a single word well-placed is all that is needed for a desired effect. You can strike fear, send chills, cause a spark or garner a smile… all of which can be useful tools in WIITWD (a BDSM acronym for “what it is that we do”).

Actively practice using your voice… the one that gets things moving while still maintaining decorum. Focus on learning what voice works best for different purposes, plus what keywords work best for you, and how loose (i.e. casual) or tight (i.e. formal, firm) your statements (or commands or directives) need to be for the type of results you would like.

Your hands

handshakeToys and tools can be a big plus and are fun to have, but learning how to use your hands first is paramount. Your hands can do almost everything your tools and toys can do, and you get the benefit of learning how your hands control reactions directly.

You can hold, caress, subdue, grab, stroke, point, direct, lead, control, rub, pinch, pull, push, thump, lift, twist, poke, wave, signal, strike, mold, spank and many other tactile actions… even choke or slap (all within the realm of consent, of course).

Use of your hands involves other senses as well. How does it look the moment after you spank the back of the right thigh? Ten minutes later? Was it thuddy or stingy or both? Is it cool or warm? Are your fingers tingling? How did it sound? Did your partner make sounds? Did a new smell of arousal appear?

Master your hands as one of the best tools to ever touch your toy bag.

Stress-free practice sessions

Whether you’re just getting your feet wet in kink, are an experienced practitioner, or are just looking to switch things up a bit in your routine scenes and interactions, practice sessions can play an important role in your growth, that of your partner(s), and your dynamic(s) as a whole. Gaining expertise in the use of one’s best owned tools – mind, voice, hands – and honing one’s skills can be beneficial to all involved.

An example of stress-free practice may first include creating a “judgment-free zone” where the parties enter with a clear, unbiased mind, and continue to show positive support for their partner’s interests and efforts. It may also include “free talk” where the s-type is allowed to continually speak freely, even informally (casually). This can allow for speech (feedback!) that is less guarded and more honest. No stress!

Try setting up a scene where you focus on giving commands only, and each command is to be followed. Practice voice variations, word substitutions, clarity (re: the meaning of your commands) and timing. Or try a scene where the commands are driven by hand signals alone. And don’t forget the art of the mindfuck — this can start hours, days, even weeks before a scene.

In all these, be creative and remember to be communicative with your partner(s).

In summary…

Never underestimate the degree to which your readily available personal tools can be used with (and affect) your partner, both in and out of a scene. You are a living, breathing tool set. The level of effectuality of your tools depends on your input, particularly the passion and motivation that drives your input.

Use them wisely, use them well.

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Evolution of My Kink List http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-revelations/evolution-of-my-kink-list/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-revelations/evolution-of-my-kink-list/#comments Wed, 12 Jun 2013 15:43:45 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3194 My list of kinks has changed lots and lots over the years. I am not the same girl I was when I first started, thus...

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My list of kinks has changed lots and lots over the years. I am not the same girl I was when I first started, thus my ideas and experiences and tolerances have changed. A few changes have been very subtle, sometimes just to clarify a kink or two. Other changes have been more dramatic, adding a kink I may not have been interested in ever before. I consider this to be my master list, but it is a running list, fluid and forever to be fine tuned according to my current kinks, past kinks, desires, experiences and exposure to ideas.

Note!! My list consists primarily of, and is focused on activities, not preferences. I may want to play only with males with freckles who are between the height of 6’3″ and 6’5″ and live in Denver, Colorado, but that would be a preference, not a kink activity.

My master kink list:

I have done all of the following except items marked with an asterisk.

Limits:

Some of my limits have been with me since day one. I may have only needed to find the best way to articulate them, but they were solid. My limits are not up for grabs and are non-negotiable… period.

Side note: I had a D-type once absolutely refuse to hear my limits list, a simple list of 4 key items, stating that, as a dominant, he would set the limits. There was some yadda yadda talk about trust, etc. It truly doesn’t matter. Anyone who would be so dismissive of my concerns in that way is truly no one I would dare allow within 50 feet of my person.

In the beginning, I couldn’t state that last line quite so assuredly… about things being non-negotiable. I had things like blood and fire on my list of limits, and maybe I was sure, but I’m not so sure I was sure that I was sure. In other words, I had to take time to differentiate between my hard limits and my soft limits, soft limits being the ones I wasn’t interested in, or had some trepidation over, but may consider in the future. IMHO, a soft limit is not an automatic invitation for a D-type (including tops) to press that limit and take me beyond my current comfort or experience level. It is as-is, merely a declaration of an activity one is not prepared to engage in and should be respected as such.

In the beginning, there was The Big 4:

  1. kids – Pedophilia and beyond, or any involvement of actual minors, which for me means 18 and below, notwithstanding any regional legal age of consent.
  2. necro* – Necro-“anything”, specifically necrophilia, but any activities involving anything remotely dead.
  3. scat – AKA brown showers. Basically, I don’t do shit play, but!! I would be open to forced enema play as long as there is absolutely no direct handling of the excrement. I live in a first world environment and fully believe in the wonders of the modern day toilet.
  4. animals – Not only can animals not give consent, but I want absolutely no involvement of such in my personal kinky world.

The Big 4 was altered over the years due to my ever-increasing, incredible arachnophobia to become The Big 5:

5. spiders – This one is so big, it should be listed first. Putting these creatures in my presence can lead to highly dangerous and unfortunate outcomes. If someone doesn’t take this one seriously with me, they are pretty much dead to me. Unfortunately, this fear potentially limits outdoor play for me.

The understood:

It seems some things shouldn’t need to be spoken, and I would hope anyone I deal with brings some of the same basic understanding to the table. I have yet to run into these issues and hope never to in the future.

Activities that result in any of the following (for me OR for others) are, for obvious reasons, off limits:

  • criminal liability
  • serious and/or permanent injury (whether physical or psychological)
  • death

As I once heard, “I don’t want to go to court or to the hospital.”

While this is my personal list, I’m hopeful others may gain a little something from it, if only the idea that while some of our life limits are solidly set, we can still be open to new experiences and change.

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That’s Not Spanking. That’s… http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/thats-not-spanking-thats/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/thats-not-spanking-thats/#comments Tue, 19 Mar 2013 17:45:48 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3170 Words are important. They are the basis for defining our thoughts, emotions, intentions and actions. A lack of words leads to a lack of clarity...

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Words are important. They are the basis for defining our thoughts, emotions, intentions and actions. A lack of words leads to a lack of clarity and a misuse of words leads to misunderstanding.

The same applies to WIITWD (what it is that we do) in our kinkdom. Clear, concise communication is key. Sometimes our communication is crucial, say, for the sake of safety and wellness in a scene. Other times, maybe it’s not quite as crucial, but still holds importance in relaying one’s experience and expertise to the next generation of kinksters and those new(er) to the lifestyle.

Below are a couple of images that have been floated around the Internet, particularly on Tumblr, that attempt to depict various types of spanking. While cute, unfortunately they are not exactly accurate.

Click to enlarge

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Even this Wikipedia line could be considered imprecise: “More severe forms of spanking, such as switching, paddling, belting, caning, whipping, and birching, involve the use of an implement instead of a hand.”

More correctly:

Switching, paddling, belting, caning, whipping, birching and the like are not spanking. They, like spanking, are types of impact play that involve the use of a certain type of implement specific to that activity. Spanking is a type of impact play where the implement of use is the hand(s).

Just as…

The tango is a dance, but dance is not the tango.

A rectangle is a shape, but a shape is not a rectangle.

Spanking is impact play, but impact play is not spanking.

Impact play is the category inclusive of it’s members.

And so…

bullwhip
That’s Not Spanking. That’s… whipping.
You don’t spank with a whip. You whip with a whip.
leather-belt
That’s Not Spanking. That’s… belting.
You don’t spank with a belt. You belt with a belt.
paddle
That’s Not Spanking. That’s… paddling.
You don’t spank with a paddle. You paddle with a paddle.
cane
That’s Not Spanking. That’s… caning.
You don’t spank with a cane. You cane with a cane.

In conclusion

We have a plethora of terms and acronyms and Gems of Wisdom and Insight in our special little kinky world. At times, it can seem as though we do just a bit too much defining… perhaps in this article, even? But where there is a lack of clarity it is due to a lack of communication. Communication is ultimately improved by the use of “proper” and appropriate terminology. The hope of this article is merely to stand for best practice.

YMMV

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You Have Trained Her Well http://www.thekinkrealm.com/overused-phrases/you-have-trained-her-well/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/overused-phrases/you-have-trained-her-well/#comments Thu, 14 Mar 2013 23:45:36 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?post_type=overused-phrases&p=3148 …as spoken to a D-type about his/her s-type. Also, “he has trained you well,” as spoken to an s-type regarding his/her D-type. On it’s surface,...

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…as spoken to a D-type about his/her s-type. Also, “he has trained you well,” as spoken to an s-type regarding his/her D-type.

On it’s surface, this seems like a rather innocuous comment, and could easily be considered a compliment. There’s a great chance the person saying this has no evil intention and has been pleased by the recipient’s actions and/or words.

So what’s the big deal? Well, it is likely certain considerations have not been granted when someone makes this statement.

  • Singularity – No one is who they are because of just a single element or experience in their life. We are made up of every experience we’ve had, every trial we’ve endured, every laugh, every tear, every smile and more. People enter our lives and often leave an indelible mark on us, whether good, bad or somewhere in between. Perhaps at least part of that sub/slave’s demeanor and speech comes from good ol’ life experience and not necessarily solely from the one they are currently serving.
  • awardInherent sensibilities – Some s-types seem to just have a knack for whatever level of submission they bring. They may have come to the table ready, willing and greatly able to perform in a submissive role. One could consider it to be insulting to dismiss the very nature of a submissive by handing all the credit over to someone else in her life.
  • Prior training – As in vanilla, many of us don’t find our “one and forever only” on the first try. It is common for a submissive to have been in service to at least one other D-type before her current one. The “trained you well” comment strips all kudos not only from her former D-types, but also from anyone else she has learned from (trainers, mentors, friends) including herself (her self-study efforts, reading & research, practice, etc)!
  • HER teachings – In a power exchange, we should expect all parties involved to gain from the other(s). Giving all credit to a single D-type in her life discounts the idea that it is sometimes the s-type who brings a certain enlightenment to her D-type, from which the D-type can better tailor their dynamic. Perhaps the student has become the teacher, even briefly, and both deserve some credit.

An insult by another name?

dr-evilNo, not really. Again, the speaker is probably not Dr. Evil preparing to take over the world, but someone who found something to be pleasing and simply wanted to respond to it (and in a nice way).

So what to do?

Nothing more than a simple “thank you” in return. You could always politely point them to this article as well.

But… why?

Firstly, because it was likely meant as a compliment. Secondly, it’s likely one’s current D-type *has* trained well and deserves at least some back-patting. The moment of the compliment is probably not the best time to split hairs and divvy up credit percentages. This article is best suited for those who use this line than it is for the recipient.

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POC and Diversity in Kink http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/poc-and-diversity-in-kink/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/poc-and-diversity-in-kink/#comments Thu, 28 Feb 2013 10:00:00 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=2991 The post POC and Diversity in Kink appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Call to Action

Diversity, n. “Noticeable heterogeneity.”

Heterogeneity, n. “The quality of being diverse and not comparable in kind.”
Heterogeneous, a. “Consisting of elements that are not of the same kind or nature.”

The number of times POC are faced with “the same kind or nature” in kink is far too numerous to count. Unfortunately, that kind we see more often than not does not include us. Yet, here we are, in full colors and kinky.

chocolate-pie-chartPeople of color contributed 92 percent of our population growth in the past decade and currently make up 36 percent of the U.S. population as a whole.

Black Americans make up 13% of the population. That may seem like a small percentage until you look around and see us everywhere, from sitting at work next to you to sitting in the Oval Office. So why are we not portrayed more across the kink spectrum?

For example, there is a widely-known BDSM/fetish (“erotic”) photographer with a website on which there are 116 models, only 3 being POC (and 2 were black males who were merely sitting in the background of the images). That’s a whopping 2.6% of black representation.

What diversity is NOT

BM/WW —» Points are not awarded for the lite (and sometimes controversial) version of “diversity” shown by pulling from the ever-abundant and overflowing stash of black-male-fucking-white-female pictures. We get it. You have the typical “black bull” fantasy and quietly hope some of the stereotypes are true while holding tightly to the hope that some of the others are not true… you know, the scary ones. We get it. But that’s a fetish.

Jungle fever —» Another phenomenon based upon the ethnic, but more often racial, fetishisation of a people, jungle fever does nothing to uplift people of color.

Token gestures —» Approaching a POC with lines like “Wow, I’ve never spanked a black subbie ass” or “I’ve always wanted to play with someone black” or “I love black men/women/other” [1] is a poor way to approach a person you should believe deserves the same respect as others and [2] is assumptive in that we should be either impressed or flattered you would shine such light upon us otherwise less-worthy beings. (Refer to “How NOT to hit on kinky POC” by Mollena Williams.)

Excuses abound

Shifting one’s responsibility is oftentimes along the same lines as feigning ignorance. But in life, flattery and ignorance will only get one so far. Understand the frequently-used excuses are being devalued more and more as the population force of POC greatly increases, both in vanilla, and comparatively, in kink. Excuses like:

confused-panda

  • It’s rare to find black people in/doing/who are…
  • It’s hard to find black people in/doing/who are…
  • I didn’t know black people were into…
  • There are no black people in my area.
  • No black people ever approach me.

Awareness & recognition vs acknowledgement

It is not enough to be aware that POC exist in the alternative lifestyle realm. Also, recognition is a “state or quality.” While both are to be commended, both denote passiveness, the trait of remaining inactive.

Acknowledgement, v. “Declare to be true or admit the existence or reality or truth of; report…; express…; accept…

Now that is a bold action statement. Considering, as cited above, that in just a few short years, this country (USA) alone will be comprised equally of white and non-white inhabitants, we all should find it imperative to begin fully embracing others, especially in this lifestyle we declare to be inclusive and accepting of many differences.

Call to action

So what can a non-POC do to help increase diversity in kink? Plenty, both large and small! Here are a few ideas.

  • actionIf you showcase image galleries, include at minimum 1/3 (up to 1/2) images that depict POC in a positive light. Do the legwork (and it’s not much) it may take to find pictures of us.
  • Write an article to show you care about diversity. Be sure to avoid using backhanded praise (“Black people are attractive like us”) or backhanded apologies (“I’m sorry you don’t feel included”).
  • Create a welcoming environment. If I visit your site and see no representation of POC in kink, I must assume you don’t care to portray us, thus don’t really care about us or about diversity. I certainly would not feel welcomed in your domain. Welcome us into your home (figuratively) just as you would anyone else.
  • Avoid excuses. As above, excuses are no longer viable in this changing world of color in which we live.
  • Showcase us. Showcase galleries that highlight us (in a positive way) and include special sections of publications (books, blog postings, etc) featuring POC and issues we face.
  • Pay us. That’s right — money talks. If you have ever paid for writers, models or other, then you must be willing to pay POC as well.
  • Make a special call to us. If you are sitting by the phone and watching the door for POC to come flocking to you, it’s not going to happen. Be proactive and genuinely put out an open call, special request for the inclusion of POC in your projects. Tip: adding a small byline deep in a website does not count much as a genuine effort.
  • Avoid baiting and questioning POC specialty groups. Munches specifically for POC, sites that solely target black issues, projects like Kinky Black History Month…. these things are necessary now and will remain so until the day we no longer have a need to discuss diversity, because it will be so native to us that seeing all types of people across the kink spectrum will be nothing much to talk about. That.

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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Black Leather Titlists http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/black-leather-titlists/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/black-leather-titlists/#comments Wed, 27 Feb 2013 10:00:00 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=2854 The post Black Leather Titlists appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Black Leather Titlists

There have been numerous leather competitions over the years, often with annual contests, and occasionally with winners who fall into the spectrum of “persons of color,” particularly Black/African-American. This Kinky Black History Month post is a light showcase of our participation in leather.

This entry is limited in scope. Additions and exceptions would be needed for this list to be complete as there seems to be no comprehensive single “master” list in existence currently.

[caption id="attachment_3095" align="alignright" width="150"]Click to enlarge Sir Mike Russell
Click to enlarge[/caption]

LeatherSIR & Leatherboy Titlists (link)

[caption id="attachment_3098" align="alignleft" width="143"]Click to enlarge Click to enlarge[/caption]

Sir Mike Russell
International LeatherSIR 2003
Southern California LeatherSIR 2003

Dexter Edmond
International LeatherSIR 2005
Southeast LeatherSIR 2005

Miles
California LeatherSIR 2010

T.C.
Southern California Leatherboy 2007

Lonie, aka “Cisco”
Northeast LeatherSIR 2006

Emanuel “Duc” Nixon
Mid Atlantic LeatherSIR 2005

Ivan Reyes
Mid Atlantic Leatherboy 2004

International Ms. Leather Titlists (link)

[caption id="attachment_3100" align="alignright" width="129"]Click to enlarge Click to enlarge[/caption]

Sarah Vibes (pictured)
International Ms. Leather 2011

Mollena (Mo) Williams
International Ms. Leather 2010

Russ Cosgrove
International Ms. Leather 2002

Genelle Moore
International Ms. Leather 1997

Jill Carter (pictured)
International Ms. Leather 1996

International Mr. Leather Titlists (link)

Currently, the imrl.com website does not publicly display an archive page of past title holders. I have to assume this is intentional, thus this list will be restricted to names only. I also cannot validate the names and years perfectly.

First Runner-up: Al Reese, Mr. San Diego Eagle
International Mr. Leather 1995

Second Runner-up: Terry Gatewood, Mr. Oklahoma Leather
International Mr. Leather 1994

Winner: D Cannon, Mr. CC (of Palm Springs)
International Mr. Leather 1991

First Runner-up: (Ron) Barone, Mr. New England Drummer
International Mr. Leather 1990

[caption id="attachment_3103" align="alignright" width="150"]Click to enlarge Click to enlarge[/caption]

First Runner-up: Mitch Davis
International Mr. Leather 1989

Winner: Ron Moore, Mr. Leather Colorado
International Mr. Leather 1984

American Brotherhood Titlists (link)

Trinity
American Leatherwoman 2011

Black Leather Title-holder Resources

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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Profile: Grace Jones http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/profile-grace-jones/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/profile-grace-jones/#comments Tue, 26 Feb 2013 10:00:00 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=2841 The post Profile: Grace Jones appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Grace Jones

[caption id="attachment_3059" align="alignright" width="150"]Click to enlarge Click to enlarge[/caption]

Grace Jones, born Grace Mendoza (Jones) in Jamaica, is an icon of the music, fashion and modeling world. Born in 1948 — that’s right, she’s 65 years old — she is still a force to be reckoned with, having just performed on stage in 2012 for the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee concert and hula hooping through the entire performance…. at age 64… in red latex.

Grace is famed for her edge. Decades before there was a Lady Gaga or a Rihanna, Grace Jones was the one to watch for extraordinary performances and extraordinary costumes. She is widely known for her sexy songs and glamorously androgynous looks. “In the early 70s, it was the boys (Bowie, Bolan, Iggy) who glamorised androgyny. But by the late 70s Jones was outdoing them. She exuded both grace and menace, femininity and masculinity, and of course sexuality.”

“In the 1980′s a men’s magazine polled American men about the woman they were most afraid of. Grace topped the list. The fact that she was [a] tall, dark-skinned black woman who didn’t take any shit was too much for most men to handle.”

[caption id="attachment_3060" align="aligncenter" width="150"]Click to enlarge Click to enlarge[/caption]

Quick Facts

  • She has 10 albums under her belt.
  • She has appeared in no less than 19 movies, including as a Bond Girl in the James Bond movie A View to a Kill, and as the raving temptress named Strangé in the movie Boomerang. (Surely you remember the “The Essence of Sex” and the “No Man Can Turn This Down” scenes!) Arnold Schwarzenegger complained that Grace was “too tough” during the filming of Conan the Destroyer.
  • She speaks six languages.
  • She earned the title of “disco queen” (not to be confused with Queen of Disco, Donna Summer, RIP) as a regular at clubs like Le Jardin and Studio 54.
  • She has had a large gay male following, often called cult-like.

Grace Jones, the erotic

[caption id="attachment_3076" align="alignleft" width="150"]Click to enlarge Click to enlarge[/caption]

The erotic Grace Jones has given rise to the fetishes of many. Those with a costume fetish have plenty of material to work with, and especially those with a latex fetish or a leather fetish. Those with a smoking fetish may have a collection of her images with a long, barely-smoked cigarette hanging neatly from her lips. And surely there is a subset of fetishists with a penchant towards androgyny. (See the Images/Video TAB for the image gallery).

She once spanked an interviewer after he admitted to not being familiar with Merv Griffin and said “Now go on the internet and look under Griffin — he was as big as Johnny Carson. You’re lucky I’ve not got my whip! My hands were cold, so that heats them up a bit. Good for circulation. And the red wine.”

If you’re not familiar with her music, you might like to get acquainted with her great hits like the chart-topping Slave to the Rhythm (still hot!), Warm Leatherette, My Jamaican Guy (from which my favorite LL Cool J song, Doin’ It, was sampled), or the sexually-charged Pull Up To The Bumper (also still hot!).

Pull up to my bumper, baby
In your long black limousine
Just pull up to my bumper, baby
And drive it in between
Pull up to it and don’t drive through it
Back it up twice, now that fits nice
Race it, straighten it, let me lubricate it

Sources:
The Guardian author Simon Hattenstone
Kenyon Farrow (.com)
IMDb
Wikipedia

Images/Video

It is difficult to choose just one Grace Jones video. This clip features her performing bits of Love You To Life, Williams’ Blood and Pull Up To The Bumper while wearing her thigh-high latex.

[youtube title="Grace Jones" url="bJDfLqHFPwY"]

Gallery

Images you may find kink, fetish and alternative-worthy, plus a few vanilla’esque glam shots:

[gallery link="file" ids="3056,3057,3058,3062,3063,3064,3065,3066,3067,3068,3069,3070,3071,3072,3073,3074,3075,3077,3078" exclude="3059,3060,3076"]

 

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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50 (kinky) Shades of Black http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/50-kinky-shades-of-black/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/50-kinky-shades-of-black/#comments Mon, 25 Feb 2013 10:00:00 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3039 The post 50 (kinky) Shades of Black appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Preface

50 (kinky) Shades of Black is a list of sites that showcase us, in all our fineness and shine.

fd-quoteI’ve struggled with this post for numerous reasons. Firstly does it even fit into Kinky Black History Month? I hope so. From the description, “Kinky Black History Month is a collection of things kinky, erotic & touching.” As this post is neither kinky nor erotic, I am going for touching.

I’ve struggled with the title. Initially I called it “Pretty Black People” then “Black is Beautiful” and some variations of each. Attractiveness is completely subjective, and by focusing on looks alone, it detracts from my goal of this post. The goal isn’t to just show galleries of black people with good looks, but to evoke a feeling of pride for us, by us and in us.

Truth be told, an additional underlying goal is to give us all a quick pinch so we remember our majesty, a majesty only we can share amongst ourselves. So every time we forget -» justhowmajestic «- we are, this (and other KBHM posts) can serve as a quick reference. I’m speaking directly to some of you who tend to forget this. No shade.

Lastly, the title of 50 Shades of Black is in use and in a good way. This is a play off the established term with “kinky” thrown in for good measure. As in the description of Kinky Black History Month, we exist. We are POC, Black, African-American and kinky, fetishists and leather-clad.

50 Shades

Link » 50 SHADES OF BLACK – Sexuality & the Complexity of Skin Tone

[caption id="attachment_3043" align="alignright" width="150"]Click to enlarge Click to enlarge[/caption]

50 SHADES OF BLACK explores the pervasive, complex, and influential nature  of human sexuality.  By featuring 50 famous people of color of various skin tones with various national/ethnic heritage across a time period spanning from the 1920′s to the present who have been iconized for their beauty, talent, and sex appeal, this project is not only a celebration of beauty but also a critical examination of issues surrounding race, skin tone, and the formation of black identity.

This promises to be a fantastic in-depth project and one to keep on our watch list (there is an e-book in the works).

Note: The image to the right may be reduced and scaled to fit. To see the full-sized image, be sure to visit the 50 SHADES OF BLACK website’s home page.

Showcase

Another struggle… showcasing sites that are focused on a subset of a subset of a subset, particularly when we are not only faced with sex/gender, color and class issues globally, but also within our own culture. I struggled with whether I am promoting colorism with this entry, then I decided to make peace with myself, as one who has dealt directly with colorism and more, like so many of us have no matter what our skin tone. Instead of exerting efforts on angst and exclusion, I would like to focus on beauty and inclusion.

[caption id="attachment_3045" align="alignright" width="150"]Click to enlarge Click to enlarge[/caption]

Links:

Dark skinned men are handsome

Dark & Lovely (fuck yeah dark girls)

FY! Dark Boys

Fuck yeah light skin

Fuck Yeah FTMs of Color

Fuck Yeah MTFs of Color

 

Plus, you might like:

Onyinye (blaquegold)

Alternative Black Girls

 

What’s missing? MOAR¡ light-skinned showcases. It’s no myth that we all, as POC, face issues often attributable to our skin tone, and that includes members of our light-skinned black family as well (and sometimes more). Just being light-skinned alone can evoke a dust cloud of taunting and “yellow” jokes or praise and uplifting solely on skin tone without regard to the spirit of the person. I wish I could have found more links for this entry.

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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Perverts of Color http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/perverts-of-color/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/perverts-of-color/#comments Sun, 24 Feb 2013 18:12:24 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3032 The post Perverts of Color appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Perverts of Color

Link » Perverts of Color

Miss Tierra by Black Lace PhotoThere’s no provided description of this site (Tumblr blog) so I’ll try to summarize it in my own words:

POC, this time being an acronym for Perverts of Color, is a diverse blog… diverse in that you’ll see a variety of entries including BDSM/kink and fetish, educational & informative, proactive & activist, amateur and pro model shots, sex, funny and even some twerking. That’s diversity for you. The majority of the entries are of those who would identify as black or African-American, but is inclusive of others in the large realm of “people of color.”

And yes, we’re all pervs. Dig it. Love it.

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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Black Erotic Writings and Film http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/black-erotic-writings-and-film/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/black-erotic-writings-and-film/#comments Sat, 23 Feb 2013 10:00:00 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=3016 Inspired by the recent Kinky Black History Month “Erotique Noire and more” entry, this post celebrates a wider variety of artistic eroticism. This sampling comes...

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Inspired by the recent Kinky Black History Month “Erotique Noire and more” entry, this post celebrates a wider variety of artistic eroticism. This sampling comes with an understanding that there exists a plethora of black erotica both known and unknown, private and published, famous and secretly-held.

Erotic Writings

[caption id="attachment_3018" align="alignright" width="150"]the-velvet-rope Click to enlarge[/caption]

If we’re lucky, we can find bits and pieces of kink sprinkled into black erotica. The Velvet Rope by Brenda L. Thomas promises to provide it’s readers a touch of kink.

[caption id="attachment_3021" align="alignleft" width="150"]Click to enlarge Click to enlarge[/caption]

You might also be interested in a publication by the famous (or infamous, depending on your view… you remember her!) Karrine Steffans entitled SatisFaction: Erotic Fantasies for the Advanced & Adventurous Couple.

[caption id="attachment_3022" align="alignright" width="150"]Click to enlarge Click to enlarge[/caption]

“An instant attraction, a lingering look, the electric touch of skin on skin, moments of passion that are unforgettable…” from Brown Sugar 3: When Opposites Attract (Brown Sugar):

There is an entire collection of black erotic writings over at GoodReads on their Popular African American Erotica Books page.

Erotic Film

Finding/recalling black erotic films isn’t easy. More times than not, a general search will result in tons and tons of black porn. The focus of this post isn’t about the overt display of coitus, but rather the intimacy we share as POC between man & man, man & woman, woman & woman and all our loving genders within. It could also be considered remiss of duty for me to lose the solidly “black” focus by including films, porn and mainstream alike, that primarily highlight the black male/white female pairing. Certainly there must be films that fit under the umbrella of “black” and “erotic” without being outright porn or fetishization of the black male, right?

trois-trilogyIn hopes of showcasing a promising contender, I present the Trois Trilogy.

Trois is a 2000 thriller directed by Rob Hardy. The film was one of the highest grossing African-American films of 2000. As a result it spawned two sequels, Trois 2: Pandora’s Box and Trois 3: The Escort.

From Trois, starring Gary Dourdan, Kenya Moore and Gretchen Palmer

From Trois 2: Pandora’s Box starring Michael Jai White, Kristoff St. John and Tyson Beckford

From Trois 3: The Escort starring Brian J. White, Patrice Fisher and Isaiah Washington

Sources: Wikipedia and Amazon

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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India & Musiq – Chocolate High http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/india-and-musiq-chocolate-high/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/india-and-musiq-chocolate-high/#comments Fri, 22 Feb 2013 10:00:00 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=2980 The post India & Musiq – Chocolate High appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Chocolate High

[youtube title="Chocolate High" url="3F8R-vBB4O4"]

Chocolate High

India.Arie featuring Musiq Soulchild

india-and-musiq

If we make each other happy, then we just can’t lose

India.Arie
I don’t mean to be decadent
I might sound like a hedonist
But the simplest way I can put it
You become a habit
The more I consume, the more I gotta have it
Ain’t no such thing as too much
If you gave me everything it’d never be enough yeah
My black coffee with sugar no cream in the morning
You’re my super double caffeine dream yeah

Musiq Soulchild
Your precious darkness got me so
Strung out and lovin’ the way that you
Got me so wide open, my baby doll
Jonesin’ and fienin’ under my skin
My nerves are screamin’ when you’re not here
See baby I need ya sugar
You’re so delicious

Chorus
There is somethin’ about your love
That makes me just want to open up
Your flavor is the sweetest thing in life
I’m addicted to your chocolate high
Cause I want you, and I know that you want me
So let’s stay close like we supposed to be
And just get high off our own supply
I’m addicted to your chocolate high

Musiq Soulchild
I be trippin’ in so many ways if I
Go a single day without a taste of your love
The finest cuisine of today’s world
Five stars, oh you’re so gourmet girl

India.Arie
I crave you, I want you
Every cell in my body needs you
Tasty like hershey’s and nestle
You’re rich like godiva boy you just so sexy

Chorus

Your flavor is
The sweetest thing in life
And I don’t ever want to come down
I’m addicted to your chocolate high
Oh yeah

Chorus

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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Erotique Noire and more http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/erotique-noire-and-more/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/erotique-noire-and-more/#comments Thu, 21 Feb 2013 15:40:34 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=2992 The post Erotique Noire and more appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Erotique Noire

[caption id="attachment_2997" align="alignright" width="150"]Click to enlarge Click to enlarge[/caption]

Erotique Noire/Black Erotica is a sensually-charged publication of erotic prose that includes history of black eroticism, stories, quotes and poems. From the description:

From the author:

From the Introduction, on “eroticism

Info

Editors: Miriam Decosta-Willis, Reginald Martin and Roseann P. Bell.
Published date: August 18, 1992
Link: Purchase on Amazon

Side note & Challenge!

I have become enamored with this book even though my hands have never held it. After being serenaded (acapella style) with the words in this book by my owner one evening, I’ve been lustful and intrigued by it’s contents. I’ve already done a personal audio recording of one of the poems, and I’ll do more if there is interest. In fact, for every request received, I will ask my owner for one hit (using his implement of choice) as I read erotica from the book and post the audio and/or video recording of it! Leave a request in the comments section below… please and thank you.

...and more

Some erotic poetry links:

Deep Underground Poety, erotic poetry section
Black poetry at Mr. Africa Poetry Lounge

One of many great works in Erotique Noire:

Discoveries by Gloria Wade-Gayles

I was always afraid
to tell you
with movements or even words
about the passion
I was born with,
but feared.

I kept it covered with
ginghams
plaids
long sleeves
high neckspearled

hidden in
locked diaries
secret poems
day fantasies
darknight dreams

and when I dared
share it
I camouflaged it with dry-lip lectures
on purity so stern
the Calvinists would have
etched them into the Rock
for all women to read.

Last night
I conquered my fears
put out waving flags
smoking flares
road signs
and flashing arrows
pointing you to the secret places
where my passion waited
feverishly
only for you.

With closed eyes
you discovered
secret places
I never knew existed.

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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Dark Connections http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/dark-connections/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/dark-connections/#comments Wed, 20 Feb 2013 10:00:00 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=2954 The post Dark Connections appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Dark Connections

Link » Dark Connections

[caption id="attachment_2987" align="alignright" width="150"]Click to enlarge Click to enlarge[/caption]

Dark Connections, a site for “Black BDSM personals and resources for People of Color.” The site stands as a great archive for the history of POC in the lifestyle, including the early days of Old Guard & Leather culture to the new wave technological days where Black met Kink and we gathered en masse online.

A fair number of links hosted there are now defunct, but, IMHO, serve as remembrance of how we’ve evolved as a community over the years, as well as reminding us of old lifestyle friends and times.

Dark Connections also has a group on FetLife.

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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How NOT to hit on kinky POC http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/how-not-to-hit-on-kinky-poc/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/how-not-to-hit-on-kinky-poc/#comments Tue, 19 Feb 2013 10:00:00 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=2844 The post How NOT to hit on kinky POC appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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How not to...

It’s really a shame that grownups need such simplistic instruction such as this, but it seems necessary. From Mollena (who was featured previously here on Kinky Black History Month):

[youtube title="How NOT to hit on kinky POC" url="H4g5KgIxXzo"]

The blog page url:
http://www.mollena.com/2012/04/how-not-to-hit-on-kinky-poc

The YouTube url:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=H4g5KgIxXzo

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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Profile: Mollena Williams http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/profile-mollena-williams/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/profile-mollena-williams/#comments Mon, 18 Feb 2013 10:00:00 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=2839 The post Profile: Mollena Williams appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Mollena Williams

[caption id="attachment_2969" align="alignright" width="150"]Click to enlarge Click to enlarge[/caption]

Mollena Williams, aka The Perverted Negress (as her blog is titled), an Executive Pervert, is a long-time kinkster proudly bearing her 20-year badge of perversion. An active educator, she has been a focused speaker on topics of kink/BDSM at numerous alternative lifestyle events and at various educational institutions.

Link » Visit The Perverted Negress

Mollena is the co-author of book (just published in 2012!) entitled Playing Well with Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Exploring and Navigating the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities (click to view on Amazon.com). From the description:

This multifaceted buxom-bodied fem is a kink/fetish model, quite likely an expert in the arena of race relations in BDSM & race play, and a talent in the performing arts including classical theater, dance and performance art. She has won awards as an active writer & blogstress.

You might like to know that Mollena has had the high honor of the titles of Ms. San Francisco Leather 2009 and International Ms Leather 2010.

This Kinky Black History Month profile is far from complete. Get to know more about Mollena Williams at The Perverted Negress website and beyond.

Special thanks to Mollena for giving me the thumbs up to include her here!

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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India.Arie – Brown Skin http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/india-arie-brown-skin/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/india-arie-brown-skin/#comments Sun, 17 Feb 2013 10:00:00 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=2842 The post India.Arie – Brown Skin appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Brown Skin

[youtube title="Brown Skin" url="12kMTnObZcM"]

Brown skin, you know I love your brown skin
I cant tell where yours begins, I cant tell where mine ends
Brown skin, up against my brown skin
Need some every now and then, oh hey

Where are your people from? Maybe Mississippi or an Island
Apparently your skin has been kissed by the sun
You make me want a Hershey’s kiss, your licorice

Every time I see your lips, it makes me think of honey-coated chocolate
Your kisses are worth more than gold to me
I’ll be your almond joy, you’ll be my sugar daddy

Every time you come around, something magnetic pulls me and I cant get out
Disoriented, I cant tell my up from down
All I know is that I wanna lay you down

Every time I let you in, abracadabra magic happens as we swim
Higher and higher finally we reach heaven
Come back to earth and then we do it all again
Yeah…

Skin so brown, lips so round
Baby how can I be down?
Beautiful mahogany, you make me feel like a queen
Tell me what’s that thing you do that makes me wanna get next to you, yeah

Brown skin, you know I love your brown skin
I cant tell where yours begins, I cant tell where mine ends
Brown skin, up against my brown skin
Need some every now and then, oh hey

[caption id="attachment_2872" align="aligncenter" width="150"]Click to enlarge Click to enlarge[/caption]

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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Submissive Ebony http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/submissive-ebony/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/submissive-ebony/#comments Sat, 16 Feb 2013 10:00:00 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=2843 The post Submissive Ebony appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Submissive Ebony

Link » Submissive Ebony Tumblr

[caption id="attachment_2958" align="alignright" width="98"]kinkyButterfly kinkyButterfly[/caption]

For the sake of clarity, this featured Tumblr blog depicts mostly WOC S&M bottoms. Even the site’s own description mentions black women & sex and that many are not submissive in bed, leading one to think the premise of the site is more about sexual satisfaction rather than submission as a service. It is up to you, the visitor, to resolve your own views. For the sake of Kinky Black History Month, Submissive Ebony has been included for the selection of positive POC/WOC kinky imagery (again, you the visitor must decide which are positive and which cast a negative glow on us as POC).

Note: The posts there are likely all “reblogged” from other Tumblr blogs and are not claimed to be productions of the owner of  Submissive Ebony. In fact, I have been reblogged by them a couple of times.

Image credit: That is me, kinkyButterfly/BlkButterfly in a submissive pose, a picture taken in 2012 and is my most popular image so far. Visit my Tumblr: kinkyButterfly.tumblr.com to view many more, or just view the larger image post.

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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Ode to the Black Woman http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/ode-to-the-black-woman/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/ode-to-the-black-woman/#comments Fri, 15 Feb 2013 10:00:00 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=2899 The post Ode to the Black Woman appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Untitled

Me’Shell Ndegéocello – Untitled

[caption id="attachment_2947" align="alignright" width="150"]Click to enlarge Click to enlarge[/caption]

“Her blackness is fine, the blackness of her skin the blackness of her mind”
Her beauty cannot be measured with standards of a colonized mind
Darker than blue darker than her blackness
Unblemished her features broad and striking
She cradles his body with her large hands
Her fingers stretch endlessly into his world of pain
Her caresses warm and penetrating she loves the black boy
His existence predestined to be one of no remorse compassion
Or the delusion of equality
But the love he gives (a doxology for her)
He praises and cares for what he can never be
There’s such purity in a love that is essential to the loving of one’s self

Image credit: neef fresh photography on Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram

Femininity

[youtube title="Eric Benet - Femininity" url="78Eo5brSxVM"]

Eric Benet – Femininity

Quietly your silhouette approaches me
A vision far too lovely to define
Tenderly you take complete control of me
The feminine seduction of body, soul and mind

[caption id="attachment_2946" align="aligncenter" width="150"]Click to enlarge Click to enlarge[/caption]

Words

Dipped in chocolate, bronzed in elegance, enameled with grace, toasted with beauty. My lord, she’s a Black woman.
~ Dr. Yosef Ben-Jochannan (aka Dr. Ben)

flowerUntitled
Need the warmth
of your Friendship to
brighten my nights
and replenish my Soul.
~ Alex English

Transformation
Black woman opening up
dancing acting out the stages of your life
Black woman ascending
~ Beverly A. Russell

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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Valentine’s Day and Black Love http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/valentines-day-and-black-love-2/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/valentines-day-and-black-love-2/#comments Thu, 14 Feb 2013 10:00:21 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=2747 The post Valentine’s Day and Black Love appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Black Love

chocolate-heartIt’s that day again! — Valentine’s Day. Explore the links below (about 90% non-erotic and safe for work) for incredible representation of that good black love.

Note: The titles are links.

Love Letters to Sepia

“A love letter to Black love through varying degrees of artistic expression–images, sound, video & the written word.”

Black Love is Infinite

“This blog is dedicated to Black Love. Spread the word that Black Love ROCKS and exists!”

ÉbèneLove.

“Love and all its complexities are beautiful. Not only does it bond two bodies, it multiplies.”

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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Profile: Josephine Baker http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/profile-josephine-baker/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/profile-josephine-baker/#comments Wed, 13 Feb 2013 10:00:00 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=2840 The post Profile: Josephine Baker appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Bio

Singer, dancer, actress, civil rights activist

jbaker-04Josephine Baker, born Freda Josephine McDonald on June 3, 1906, sashayed onto a Paris stage during the 1920s with a comic, yet sensual appeal that took Europe by storm. Famous for barely-there dresses and no-holds-barred dance routines, her exotic beauty generated nicknames “Black Venus,” “Black Pearl” and “Creole Goddess.” Admirers bestowed a plethora of gifts, including diamonds and cars, and she received approximately 1,500 marriage proposals. Ernest Hemingway referred to her as “the most sensational woman anyone ever saw” and she became a muse for Hemingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Pablo Picasso, and Christian Dior. She maintained energetic performances and a celebrity status for 50 years until her death in 1975, four days after her final show, attended by such names as Mick Jagger, Shirley Bassey, and Liza Minnelli.

St. Louis born, Baker expatriated to France, escaping the rampant racism so many African-Americans felt in the US, even once having been rejected as “too skinny and too dark.” While in France, she was a powerful factor having smuggled military intelligence to French allies during World War II. She did this by pinning secrets inside her dress, as well as writing them in invisible ink on her sheet music. She was awarded the Croix de Guerre and the Legion of Honour, and upon her death, was buried with military honors in France, making her the first American woman to be given military honors in France.

Baker also aided many civil rights movements by refusing to perform to segregated audiences and storming out of a club in Manhattan with actress Grace Kelly after she was refused service. She worked with the NAACP and spoke at a Washington march alongside Martin Luther King Jr. as the only official female speaker. The NAACP named May 20 Josephine Baker Day in honor of her efforts.

The Banana Dance

jbaker-13Baker may be most famously remembered as a burlesque dancer, known as a burlesque queen and especially for her “banana dance” routine where she danced wearing little more than a skirt made of 16 bananas. A Broadway hit in the US, she was also one of Europe’s most popular and highest-paid performers.

Josephine and dance partner Joe Alex captivated the audience with the Danse Sauvage. Everything about the routine was new and exotic, and Josephine, boldly dressed in nothing but a feather skirt, worked the audience into frenzy with her uninhibited movements. Her erotic booty shaking, rump shaking routines gained her the eye and admiration of an entire generation and of generations to follow.

Savage? Genius

Burlesque is a literary, dramatic or musical work intended to cause laughter by caricaturing the manner or spirit of serious works, or by ludicrous treatment of their subjects.

Josephine Baker was no woman to be mocked. She was intelligent and classy and knew how to best exploit the incredible fascination the white man had for beautiful Black skin. “The French were excited by the endless possibilities of something exotic and mysterious, yet present and accessible.” From a famous banana skirt scene of hers:

The scene played on an ethnographic colonialist fantasy where, as Baker’s biographer Phyllis Rose describes, audiences of the Folies-Bergère were reenacting Gauguin’s escape from bourgeois morality, his nurturing plunge into color. They were white explorers voyaging to the edge of civilization, encountering the savage, incorporating it into themselves by making love with a savage woman.

A woman in charge of her own persona, Baker hand-tailored the view others were to have of her. Creating her own image, Josephine Baker made choices that would always place her in the spotlight, forcing people deconstruct what they had just constructed. If she embodied a savage on stage, she would behave like a lady on the street; if men were dying for her as seductress, she would put on a man’s suit and bend gender boundaries; if she was called a “black Venus,” she would treat her head with a blonde wig. When the perception of her became too refined, she walked her pet leopard down the Champs-Elysées or crossed her eyes and made faces, as if parodically commenting on her beauty and the conventions of culture that made her famous.

Of all the enduring lessons taught by Josephine Baker, certainly the black woman’s confident self-expression and ownership of identity would be among some of the greatest.

Sources:

Dialectics of the Banana Skirt: The Ambiguities of Josephine Baker’s Self-Representation

The Official Josephine Baker Website

Josephine Baker Biography

 

Gallery

[youtube title="Banana Dance" url="N8TjBbnsoJ0"]

Click the images to enlarge.

[gallery link="file" ids="2918,2913,2914,2915,2916,2917,2919,2920,2921,2922,2923,2924,2925,2926,2927"]

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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Ode to the Black Man http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/ode-to-the-black-man/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/ode-to-the-black-man/#comments Tue, 12 Feb 2013 14:00:00 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=2898 The post Ode to the Black Man appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Blessed be

[caption id="attachment_2935" align="alignright" width="150"]Click to enlarge Click to enlarge[/caption]

Blessed be the dark man
who inherits my soul and
lies down beside me at
the end of the road. He
who so takes refuge in
the essence of my spirit
shall blessed be.

– Marla J. Hohmeier

Drea

[youtube title="Drea d’Nur - Black Man" url="mhyWccIl2Qs"]

Drea d’Nur – Black Man
http://www.dreadnur.com

Come back to yourselves
Let me help you to rebuild
Black Man…

As first seen at The Black Man Can
http://www.theblackmancan.org
#1 Source for Positive Images & Narratives of Black Men and Boys!
We actively promote a positive Black Male image daily!

tbmc

 

Heather

[youtube title="Heather Headley - He Is" url="C3H5zMeD2Rs"]

Heather Headley – He Is

He is
The mind injector
The heart protector
The soul defender of anything I fear

Jill

[youtube title="Jill Scott - Brotha" url="OFA7-wfmhFY"]

Jill Scott – Brotha

If’n nobody told ya brotha
I’m here to let you know that
You’re so wonderful
You’re so marvelous
You’re so beautiful
You’re splendid
You’re fabulous
Brilliantly blessed
In every way
Ya’ll can’t touch we

Brotha don’t let nobody hold you back

Angie

[youtube title="Angie Stone - Brotha" url="FkUtYqwlHDM"]

Angie Stone – Brotha

He is my King, he is my one
Yes, he’s my father, yes he’s my son
I can talk to him, ‘cuz he understands
Everything I go through and everything I am

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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Thick Kink http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/thick-kink/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/thick-kink/#comments Mon, 11 Feb 2013 10:00:00 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=2825 The post Thick Kink appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Thick Kink

Link » Thick Kink on Tumblr

[caption id="attachment_2894" align="alignright" width="150"]Click to enlarge Click to enlarge[/caption]

While this Tumblr blog isn’t geared solely towards kinky POC, one can appreciate the positive diversity shown there. Let’s hope to get even more POC, particularly black, showcased.

From the site:

“Thick Kink is a sex- and kink-positive collection of images of people of all genders, races, and orientations being kinky and sexy, with an emphasis on larger bodies.”

About the model – BettyBlac:

Source link » Betty and friends

It wasn’t until my first bondage shoot with Don Sir that I realized that the feeling of rope holding me, and the sensation of the natural fibers against my skin brings me to a state of euphoria. (read more…)

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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You Came, Too http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/you-came-too/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/you-came-too/#comments Sun, 10 Feb 2013 10:00:00 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=2846 The post You Came, Too appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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You Came‚ Too

I came to the crowd seeking friends
I came to the crowd seeking love
I came to the crowd for understanding

[caption id="attachment_2862" align="alignright" width="150"]Click to enlarge Click to enlarge[/caption]

I found you

I came to the crowd to weep
I came to the crowd to laugh

You dried my tears
You shared my happiness

I went from the crowd seeking you
I went from the crowd seeking me
I went from the crowd forever

You came, too

Nikki Giovanni

Visit » Nikki-Giovanni.com

Nikki Giovanni is a world-renowned poet, writer, commentator, activist, and educator. The author of some 30 books for both adults and children, Nikki Giovanni is a University Distinguished Professor at Virginia Tech in Blacksburg, Virginia.

[caption id="attachment_2861" align="alignright" width="150"]Click to enlarge Click to enlarge[/caption]

Giovanni’s honors and awards have been steady and plentiful throughout her career. The recipient of some twenty-five honorary degrees, she has been named Woman of the Year by Mademoiselle Magazine, The Ladies Home Journal, and Ebony Magazine. She was tapped for the Ohio Women’s Hall of Fame and named an Outstanding Woman of Tennessee. Giovanni has also received Governor’s Awards from both Tennessee and Virginia. She was the first recipient of the Rosa L. Parks Woman of Courage Award, and she has also been awarded the Langston Hughes Medal for poetry. She is an honorary member of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority and has received Life Membership and Scroll from The National Council of Negro Women. A member of PEN, she was honored for her life and career by The History Makers. She has received the keys to more than two dozen cities. Black Enterprise named her a Women of Power Legacy Award winner for work that expands opportunities for other women of color.

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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(Men of) ONYX http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/men-of-onyx/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/men-of-onyx/#comments Sat, 09 Feb 2013 10:00:00 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=2884 The post (Men of) ONYX appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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ONYX

Link » ONYX

From the site:

onyxONYX is an organization formed and operated by Men of Color who enjoy the leather lifestyle. ONYX sets as its’ goal, to provide an informational and social organization to address issues specific to people of color who chose to project the positive aspects of the leather lifestyle and support our community and economic initiatives.

ONYX was founded in 1995 to provide education, fraternization and serve as a bridge for Men of Color to the greater Leather community. ONYX has had a long standing reputation within the Leather Community with members nationwide and internationally. We are the longest existing Leather club for People of Color.

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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Jill Scott – I’m Not Afraid http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/jill-scott-im-not-afraid/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/jill-scott-im-not-afraid/#comments Fri, 08 Feb 2013 10:08:44 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=2806 I feel this. As a black woman, there is an undeniable strength that powers my submission. I happily take my chosen (and assigned) place.

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I feel this. As a black woman, there is an undeniable strength that powers my submission. I happily take my chosen (and assigned) place.

I’m Not Afraid

[youtube title="Jill Scott - I'm Not Afraid" url="X_oBiHAw_hA"]

I’m not afraid to be your lady
I’m not afraid to be your whore
I’m not afraid to be your future
I’m not afraid to be your soil
In which you plant your seed
Flowers, they sprout from me
My fragrance in the breeze
You must nurture me please
I’m not afraid to be your baby
I’m not afraid to be your strength
I’m not afraid to be open wide
I’m not afraid to be glutinous
The essence of glue
I will stick to you
Through earthquakes and moods
If ever one thing was true
I’m not afraid to wind it, wind it
I’m not afraid to keep your pace
I’m not afraid to create my queendom
I’m not afraid to take my place
I am not afraid…

[caption id="attachment_2807" align="aligncenter" width="150"]Click to enlarge Click to enlarge[/caption]

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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AfroerotiK http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/afroerotik/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/afroerotik/#comments Thu, 07 Feb 2013 10:00:21 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=2796 The post AfroerotiK appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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AfroerotiK SitesLinks » The AfroerotiK main website link | The AfroerotiK Tumblr link

AfroerotiK is not focused on kink or alternative lifestyles in general, but solidly on black sexuality, erotic positivity and issues that touch us intimately.

From the main website:

afro_banner_gradient-300x52Within the virtual pages of this website, you’ll find a place where color, does in fact, matter, where you don’t have to be ashamed of your desires, where you can be free to express and explore and connect.  Here you will be able to appreciate the beauty, diversity, and uniqueness of people of African descent.  It’s here that our grace, sensuality, and passions will be celebrated.

From the Tumblr:

I created AfroerotiK to create a shift in the perception of Black sexuality. My objective is to dismantle the negative and stereotypical perceptions about African Americans, specifically that we as women are a collective of body parts to be used for male pleasure and that Black men are dogs, players, and pimps and must be amply endowed before they can be considered a man.

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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For A Black Bottom http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/for-a-black-bottom/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/for-a-black-bottom/#comments Wed, 06 Feb 2013 12:17:50 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=2788 The post For A Black Bottom appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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For A Black Bottomfor-a-black-bottom

Express written permission given to repost this at The Kink Realm.

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

The post For A Black Bottom appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Profile: Viola Johnson http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/profile-viola-johnson/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/profile-viola-johnson/#comments Tue, 05 Feb 2013 14:45:00 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=2779 The post Profile: Viola Johnson appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Vi Johnson

Viola Johnson, also known as V. M. Johnson, and more affectionately known as Vi Johnson and Mama Vi Johnson, is all of the following:

Black/African-American husband and wife female/woman slave, Old Guard constituent, award-winning Leatherwoman, vampire, teacher, mentor, personal assistant, writer, family accountant, researcher, public speaker, genealogist and historian.

[caption id="attachment_2780" align="alignright" width="150"]Click to enlarge Click to enlarge[/caption]

She self-identifies as an “algolagnistic odalisque,” a pain-lusting female slave often (though not always) used for sexual purposes. The pain she receives often brings joy, but it does not always result in “getting off” sexually. (source: Leather Archives)

Vi is also a pillar of representation of black kink (kink in general) and black devotion. A true veteran of the lifestyle, she has been a devotee of her craft since (at least) 1973. She stands as a symbol of realism (as opposed to modern day fantasy) in the BDSM lifestyle, pulling no punches in her diary-style popular book To Love, to Obey, to Serve: Diary of an Old Guard Slave. (She is also author of the book Dhampir: Child of the Blood, a publication on vampirism.) (Amazon link)

Viola had the distinction of winning the “Lifetime Achievement Award” from Pantheon of Leather and The National Leather Association, making her the only person to receive both awards in the same year. In the year 2000, she received the Pantheon of Leather “Woman of the Year” award. These are a few of numerous awards and accolades she has received over the years. (Source: SouthEast Leatherfest)

On being a lifestyle slave, Vi says “This community has come to view someone who is a slave as a weak-willed doormat who serves only because he or she is incapable of making decisions on their own. Nothing could be further from the truth. We all have many talents. I am many things[…]. All those talents are part of what I bring to my owner. She directs them in the ways that she deems proper.” (Source: Dark Connections)

Here’s a 4-minute video interview of Vi for the Women’s Leather History Project where she describes early, quiet, and sometimes secretive kinky same-sex existence and finding other kinksters. She also answers the question “How long do you think a leather generation is?” beginning at mark 2:37 (one of my favorite responses to the change of what we have as today’s fast track to being a BDSM “expert.” Sorry… personal gripe.)

[caption id="attachment_2781" align="alignright" width="150"]Click to enlargeSource: Dark Connections Click to enlarge
Source: Dark Connections[/caption]

Vi Johnson and husband Jill Carter, International Ms Leather 1996, are the founders and proprietors of a great leather resource. The Carter/Johnson Leather Library, a non-profit 501(c)(3) (pending) organization, is a traveling collection of thousands of kink and alternate sexuality books, magazines, posters, art, club and event pins, newspapers, event programs and ephemera showing the Leather, fetish, and S/M erotic history dating back to the 1700’s of the gay, straight, and trans communities.

“The Carter/Johnson Library is designed to put people in touch with their history by allowing them to hold it, read it, smell it and know it.” The Library includes works from the Marquis De Sade, DVDs including “The Story of O,” and complete collections like that of “Black Leather in Color,” a publication discussing POC in to S&M, power and race. View more of what it includes.

I hold a special place in my heart for Vi Johnson, as she was the very first black female slave I ever knew of after I officially entered the lifestyle all those years ago. My earliest (more famously known) resource triad included Viola Johnson, Gloria Brame and Jay Wiseman. I am grateful for the paths she and others laid for us.

Other contributing sources:
Master/slave Conference
Wikipedia

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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Kinky Black Lyrics http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/kinky-black-lyrics/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/kinky-black-lyrics/#comments Mon, 04 Feb 2013 13:37:26 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=2759 Some songs have lyrics that seem to just neatly align with sentiments often heard within the kink lifestyle. Kinky Black Lyrics is attempt to pool...

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Some songs have lyrics that seem to just neatly align with sentiments often heard within the kink lifestyle. Kinky Black Lyrics is attempt to pool some of those tunes together.musicfolder

Feel free to add suggestions in the Comments area below. A general guideline is that songs should either have literal kinky lyrics (e.g. “tie me up”) or express the lifestyle somehow (e.g. “wish to please you”), excluding songs and lyrics about just being freaky (this is not a hard and fast rule). The songs should also link into Black History Month, i.e. be by a black artist.

Sade

Sade Cherish The Day lyrics

[caption id="attachment_2763" align="alignright" width="150"]Click to enlarge Click to enlarge[/caption]

You’re ruling the way that I move
And I breathe your air
You only can rescue me
This is my prayer
If you were mine
If you were mine
I wouldn’t want to go to heaven

I cherish the day
I won’t go astray
I won’t be afraid
You won’t catch me running
You’re ruling the way that I move
You take my air

You show me how deep love can be

(partial lyrics)

You might also like from Sade:

Your Love Is King

The Sweetest Taboo

Paradise

And, because some really give their heart, Lovers Rock, The Sweetest Gift and The Safest Place.

Janet

Janet Jackson Discipline lyrics

[caption id="attachment_2770" align="alignright" width="150"]Click to enlarge Click to enlarge[/caption]

I misbehaved, done some things I know I shouldn’t do
I touched myself, even though you told me not to
you commanded me to wait for you I tried
But I can smell you on my sheets
Taste you on my skin so vividly
Daddy I disobeyed you
Now I want you to come punish me

Babe I need some discipline tonight
Don’t hold back
I’ve been very bad
Make me cry
Oooo…
Got to make me cry
Oooo…
Babe

Oh… misbehaved
And my punishment should fit my crime
Tie me to something
Take off all my clothes
Daddy I want you to take your time (I’m scared)
My heart is beating fast
Shiver as you grab my neck
Baby, blindfold me Daddy
Is better when I don’t know what to expect

(partial lyrics)

You might also like from Janet:

Sexhibition (sexploration is a part of kink, right?)

Rope Burn

And rounding off with… well, perhaps more freaky than kinky, Warmth and Moist. These two are a total exception to the line above about ‘freaky’ vs ‘kinky’ song lyrics. Sorry, blame Janet.

Rihanna

Rihanna S&M lyrics:

[caption id="attachment_2769" align="alignright" width="180"]rihanna Click to enlarge[/caption]

Feels so good being bad
There’s no way I’m turning back
Now the pain is for pleasure, ’cause nothing can measure
Love is great, love is fine
Out the box, out of line
The affliction of the feeling leaves me wanting more.

‘Cause I may be bad, but I’m perfectly good at it
Sex in the air, I don’t care, I love the smell of it
Sticks and stones may break my bones,
But chains and whips excite me.

Oh, I love the feeling you bring to me
Oh, you turn me on
It’s exactly what I’ve been yearning for
Give it to me strong
And meet me in my boudoir
Give my body some AHH, AHH, AHHHH,
I like it, like it

S, S, S & M, M, M
S, S, S & M, M, M
S, S, S & M, M, M
S, S, S & M, M, M

(partial lyrics)

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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S&M and Bottoms of Color http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/sm-and-bottoms-of-color/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/sm-and-bottoms-of-color/#comments Sun, 03 Feb 2013 13:33:08 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=2732 The post S&M and Bottoms of Color appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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S&M and Bottoms of Color

[caption id="attachment_2735" align="alignright" width="150"]Click to enlarge Click to enlarge[/caption]

S&M players, like S&M M&Ms, come in different colors. The one commonality POC (persons/people of color) S&M participants share is the increased likelihood that when(/if) we bruise, mark, or even blush, it’s not as easily seen by the naked eye as it is with our often fairer-skinned counterparts. Simply put, a different type of caution should be exercised when playing with someone of a darker complexion. (Picture credit: ~ripleeCG)

Playing With Darker Skin addresses the potential need for adjusted sensory recognition and why marking may not be an option when playing with a POC. Sometimes it takes a greater appreciation for the numerous other goodies that we get out of a scene.

slap-it-creditedbratsub recently created a post entitled POC Submissive rant/advice where  she writes “We see so many pictures of nice red or bruised pale bottoms that we think it’s easy to achieve with enough forceful smacks on the ass.” I agree. I’ve seen so many pictures of proud bottoms with marks that I have to wonder if that took a single simple hit, or a good solid session to achieve. (Picture credit: Xanthe Walter)

[caption id="attachment_2733" align="alignleft" width="150"]Enlarge Click to enlarge[/caption]

As POC who participate in activities that can literally damage our bodies and introduce real risk to our safety, it’s important to distinguish between advice that doesn’t take us into consideration and advice that we can actually use. This image is a perfect example of just how POC are not even acknowledged in many writings and artist’s renditions purporting to “educate” others in the art of S&M. Can you imagine being a darker-skinned person and being choked by someone who believes this image is a good representation of choking safety? You can view my mini rant against this image at KinkyReblogs.

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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Black EroticaLink » Black Erotica Tumblr (website) link

blackeroticaFrom the site: “This blog came out of the frustration that I experienced with not seeing aesthetically pleasing, erotic, sexy images of black erotica, black love and black sex neither here on Tumblr nor on the internet in general. I’m not talking about the heavily oiled up hardcore porn images that grace many porn sites. I’m talking about sexy, beautiful images of black men and women of all shapes and sizes in artistic poses, embraces or sex. This site, black erotica, will begin to compile as many of these types of images as possible, including images of black erotica artwork and even dance, from Tumblr and the internet; it’s as much to retain my own sanity as it is for your enjoyment. ”

I follow this Tumblr and recommend it.

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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Love After Love http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/love-after-love/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-black-history-month/love-after-love/#comments Fri, 01 Feb 2013 20:00:13 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=2674 The post Love After Love appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Love After Love

love-letter

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Derek Walcott

Derek_WalcottIn all things, for both D-types and s-types alike, we must have something to give before we can offer to give of ourselves.

“Love After Love” is a poem by Derek Walcott, part of Collected Poems, 1948-1984 (1986). The poem is about how people often forget themselves when they have been in a relationship for a very long time. It instructs the reader on how to love themselves and learn how to put their own needs first. ¹

Derek Alton Walcott, OBE OCC (born 23 January 1930) is a Saint Lucian poet and playwright. He received the 1992 Nobel Prize in Literature. He is currently Professor of poetry at the University of Essex. ²

About Kinky Black History Month

[kbhm]

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My Vision of Daddy/babygirl http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/my-vision-of-daddybabygirl/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/my-vision-of-daddybabygirl/#comments Sat, 15 Dec 2012 13:49:44 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=675 In ageplay, the Daddy Dom archetype is the counterpart to the babygirl. It is the Daddy’s responsibility is to craft a sexual journey for his...

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In ageplay, the Daddy Dom archetype is the counterpart to the babygirl. It is the Daddy’s responsibility is to craft a sexual journey for his babygirl; to present her opportunities for an awakening to her kinks and fetishes.

The often misunderstood ageplay component, in my experience, is not so much incestuous or paedophile-ridden, it is instead a way to describe the dynamic between two complimentary and distinct sexual styles.  BDSM play can often be rough and brutal.  With the Daddy/babygirl dynamic, play can still be hard or contain sadomasochistic elements, but it usually is offered from Daddy to babygirl in a more “fatherly” way.

You don’t have to think of the relationship so much as Daddy-daughter, but more as possessing the qualities many dominant men neglect to share with their lovers: care, coddling, guidance, protection, discipline, teaching, playfulness, cuddling, as well as introducing new steps in her sexual development.

The attraction I have to a woman acting childlike or at an age well below the “normal” age of sexual awakening is more difficult to explain.  I see it as one might view art. When you look at a painting or even a well edited photograph, there are exaggerations that bring the art to life. Exaggeration is the spice to this kind of art.

Cross-dressers do it all the time: a little extra make-up, exaggerated ultra-feminine dress, pouting lips, huge stuffed bras. You see my point?

So when a woman well past the age my innermost lusts dresses and acts, say 4 years old, it is that contrast of her actions and look that counters her real world “age.” She becomes to me, for all intents and purposes, the happy medium between her biological age (of consent) and her ageplay age (well below my ideal): the otherwise “illegal” time of sexual awakening.

It is no secret and quite obvious that I am attracted to the “teenager” look. I would venture to say most straight men are but for countless reasons are afraid to admit it.  Trust me, a person’s libido and sexual desires are not influenced by what the laws happen to be. The age of consent is different in Canada. Does this mean a 17 year old stripper in Canada is perfectly okay for us to lust over, but when she strolls down into the United States we are no longer allowed to feel attraction towards her?

Using that logic, are homosexuals not supposed to find each other attractive until gay marriage is legalized?

From my experience, the babygirl archetype is very difficult to cultivate and for most women is often utilized in short segments of playtime or periods of subspace. It is rare that a woman falls into it naturally, but when I have seen it it just feels “right” to share my Daddy tendencies with her!

A Daddy can be a Dom.  A Daddy can be a Master.  A Daddy can be a Sadist.  I’m a little bit of all of those.   But deep down I am a Daddy.  This is how I identify. My perfect sexual match is being the counterpart to a babygirl. This does not preclude me from those other wonderful sexual experiences, it just helps better define how I relate.

 

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Braided Rope Flogger http://www.thekinkrealm.com/self-made-kink/smk-2012-contest-entries/braided-rope-flogger/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/self-made-kink/smk-2012-contest-entries/braided-rope-flogger/#comments Fri, 07 Dec 2012 13:56:34 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/braided-rope-flogger/ The post Braided Rope Flogger appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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3 minute, 3 dollar, spreader cuffs http://www.thekinkrealm.com/self-made-kink/smk-2012-contest-entries/3-minute-3-dollar-spreader-cuffs/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/self-made-kink/smk-2012-contest-entries/3-minute-3-dollar-spreader-cuffs/#comments Sat, 01 Dec 2012 07:44:26 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/3-minute-3-dollar-spreader-cuffs/ The post 3 minute, 3 dollar, spreader cuffs appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Bettty’ Better beater http://www.thekinkrealm.com/self-made-kink/smk-2012-contest-entries/bettty-better-beater/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/self-made-kink/smk-2012-contest-entries/bettty-better-beater/#comments Sat, 01 Dec 2012 05:51:11 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/bettty-better-beater/ The post Bettty’ Better beater appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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A Basic Ball Gag http://www.thekinkrealm.com/self-made-kink/smk-2012-contest-entries/a-basic-ball-gag/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/self-made-kink/smk-2012-contest-entries/a-basic-ball-gag/#comments Thu, 29 Nov 2012 03:39:40 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/a-basic-ball-gag/ The post A Basic Ball Gag appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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My First Pervertable! http://www.thekinkrealm.com/self-made-kink/smk-2012-contest-entries/my-first-pervertable/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/self-made-kink/smk-2012-contest-entries/my-first-pervertable/#comments Tue, 27 Nov 2012 16:40:28 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/my-first-pervertable/ The post My First Pervertable! appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Kinky Revelations of BlkButterfly http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-revelations/blkbutterfly/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/kinky-revelations/blkbutterfly/#comments Sat, 24 Nov 2012 16:08:45 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=688 Begin: I was kinky as a child. Most people would have called my perversions weird, and if they had known about them, surely would have...

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Begin:

I was kinky as a child. Most people would have called my perversions weird, and if they had known about them, surely would have dragged me off to counseling or the local clergy to help exorcise the freaky demons that inhabited my mind. Certainly no girl so young, so pure, so innocent should be the bearer of such aberrant thoughts and desires. Girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice, but these tales are not.

Part I

My earliest memory of a sexual nature dates back to when I was in the first years of elementary school. I was self-curious, so I began taking a closer look, if you will. I would go to my bathroom and lock the door. I’d take my mirror and place it strategically so I could view myself in all my glory. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t know what I looked like. I remember being intrigued by the fact that I was dark on the outside and pink on the inside.

Part II

I had a neighbor who was a good friend of mine for years starting when we were very, very young. We grew up together. I suppose we both had a few personal kinks to work on straightening out, but instead, we ended up working together to explore the kinks. I don’t recall all the things we did, but I keenly remember one day in particular. We were only in elementary school; she was 1 year older than me. We spent most of our time together riding bikes, skateboarding, running from her Collie (we pretended he was a lion and we were Charlie’s Angels), and playing board games. On this day, we played inside.

Her house was 3 levels with her bedroom being one of two upstairs on the top level. We quietly retreated to her room as normal. We would often play in each other’s rooms for hours without being interrupted by the grown ups. But today wasn’t about board games or Barbie dolls. At some point, somehow, we ended up with pants off and the two of us on the floor.

I distinctly remember her instructing me to “put your mouth on it” and me complying. I don’t know how I knew or if I knew where to go, and certainly not what to do, but obviously I knew enough. I mean, I had seen the dirty magazines the boys brought to school and passed around (yes, in elementary school). I’d kept particular dirty pages hidden under my mattress, but remember being quite disappointed that the porn was incredibly soft.

The kinkery in this tale ended with a bit of a refreshing golden shower.

Part III

A simpler tale… I grew up with two friends who came to my hometown to stay each summer. I always enjoyed summers with the two sisters. One was a year older than me and one a year younger. We did all the girlie things and anything else to keep busy in my small, boring hometown. At that time, we had a pool table in our basement. The girls and I enjoyed a game on occasion. We would often challenge each other, not only in billiards, but in anything else we could think of.

One day, the older sister and I posed a challenge of insertion to the younger sister. We dared her to insert something into her “Great Divide” including a pool ball and pool cue. Nothing to see here… she did not accept the challenge, but I remember being anxious and excited at the prospect of this happening right before me.

Part IV

When I was around 14, I met a boy. This was no ordinary boy. Carl was around 16, tall, buff, appealing. His parents knew my parents and they came for a visit. It was all I could do to keep my eyes off him and not be found out by everyone around us. I met Carl a few more times after that either to my delight or my detriment, I’m not sure which. All I know is that I could not get this boy-man off my mind.

From that first day on I used him. It was a selfish relationship. I only thought about him to enhance, even define my solo pleasures. In my fantasy world, he would take me and have his way with me. As I got older so did Carl in my dreams. He grew to be more manly, more sophisticated, more cunning and more devious. He wouldn’t just take me, he schemed and planned and worked the chase. Sometimes he would trick me.. gain my confidence before ensnaring me into his trap. Other times he would have his way by use of blackmail.

From Carl spun other characters, but he will always be my first.

Part V

There was a guy from my hometown who I only knew of in passing. He was a year or so older than me and we never really associated in high school. Jim (name changed for this writing) was a regular guy, average to nice looking, average build, and average in every other way as far as I knew. I don’t remember him being a player or overly popular.

Fast forward to college. We both enrolled at the same university, but it wasn’t until my second year there that I (re-)connected with him. I realized he probably knew more about me than I’d known as he knew my mother and had done some work for her in the past. We became friends and spent some time here and there together. Jim had a car. In college, a guy having a car was a major deal to me. This helped facilitate our time spent.

One day I called Jim from my rented room in a nearby boarding house. The plan was to walk to his top floor dorm room for a friendly visit. This was nothing unusual. We often had friendly, platonic visits. I arrived at his room and knocked on the slightly open door. He yelled for me to come in, so I did. I instinctively closed the door behind me, again, nothing unusual. He was standing across the room near the window fiddling with something. I immediately noticed that something was unusual about him. His demeanor was a bit…off. He wasn’t his normal semi-dorky self. Nope..on this day Jim was in a mood.

We talked for a bit. I don’t remember about what, but the feeling in the air began to change. It seemed as though he’d begun to challenge me in some way. I had a not-so-comfortable feeling and stood up, prepared to exit stage right.

At that moment he darted over to me and grabbed me by both my arms. He kissed me. This wasn’t your average guy, average kiss. It was demanding and forceful. I couldn’t get away. As he continued kissing me he began backing me up and turned me around slightly until my back was against the wall. He stopped kissing me long enough to reach down, grab both my wrists, yank my arms by the wrists above my head and maneuver himself to hold both wrists with one hand. He placed his mouth on mine and started with the kissing again, firmly…keeping me from moving my head or yelling. With his other hand he reached down and made his way into my pants. He was some kind of freak of nature magician. I don’t know how else he managed to do that, but he not only made his way into my pants, but into my panties. His fingers crawled down and into my panties until he reached his goal. He began to finger me. He shoved his finger in so hard that he was able to use his force to raise me up against the wall with my feet off the ground.

Then suddenly he stopped. He stopped kissing me. He stopped fingering me. His grip around my wrists loosened and I slipped back to the floor. It was as if something went off in his head. He looked me in the eyes and said with surprise “You’re wet!”

By this time I was in such shock at what this seemingly meek man had done to me that the embarrassment of my body’s total betrayal was too much to bear. I ran away. I left his room as fast as I could without raising too many eyebrows from his dorm mates. I sped back to my boarding house. I sat outside on the stoop, shaken up, and nervously smoked a Salem Slim Light.

After a few minutes, Jim showed up in his car with the hopes of talking about what had happened. I couldn’t do it. I was ashamed and guilty… guilty of being turned on by something that most women would have called the cops to report. I tossed my smoke and went inside the house to curl up. I never spoke to Jim again, and he’ll never know it, but I give him credit for opening my eyes to a kink I’d only ever experienced in the dark recesses of my mind.

Fast forward

I remained Lil Miss Vanilla for a short while after that incident. I finished school, started a career, got married and birthed my first spawn. However, I was still unsettled. There was something askew in my world and I was anxious to set it straight. For me, the answer was roles.

Before marrying, I already had an inclination that the roles my future hubby and I were currently assuming were not quite in line with what made me comfortable. I married anyway, never really hitting this topic with him head on. We continued on, but simple things raised miniature red flags with me, like the fact that I was going around our home shimming hinges on doors, installing thermostats and balancing the ceiling fans. (!!) A neighbor actually once said we had our roles mixed up.

Now, anyone who has seen my many rants and statements knows I am 110% for any- and everyone pursuing what works best for them in their life, and I believe in doing the same for my life. Many will argue against a patriarchal-run household, but that is what works for me. After trying to do traditionally man-run household management AND birth two babies AND hold full-time employment (sometimes more), I understood why it’s so important to have roles. I understood that this is very important to me personally. I needed it.

Finding Kinkdom

I came across some people in a chat room one day while surfing online… back in the day of 14.4k dial-up when all we really got was about 5.6k. I had heard mention of this “BDSM” before, but had very little knowledge of it until now. I was awed by the information being put before me as well as how people were relating to one another.

It only took a matter of minutes, literally, to understand I was finally home. Like having a symptom and having a doctor tell you what syndrome you have, I’d definitively found a name for what I felt, wanted, desired, needed in my life. The only difference? This was no syndrome, no illness and no disease from which I needed a cure.

I delved head first into the lifestyle by doing lots of reading & researching, talking and asking questions. I knew immediately and without question that I was a submissive spirit and this was my station in life, one I’ve luckily never felt the need to question in the years since that first few moments as a kinkster.

Much respect goes to the many who came before me and paved the path for education and comfort for folks like me, including (but far from limited to) Dr. Gloria Brame, Jay Wiseman, Viola (Vi, V.M.) Johnson and the webmasters of Castle Realm.

The end.

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How I Learned to be Dominant Without Someone Actively Submitting to Me http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/how-i-learned-to-be-dominant-without-someone-actively-submitting-to-me/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/how-i-learned-to-be-dominant-without-someone-actively-submitting-to-me/#comments Fri, 23 Nov 2012 16:48:12 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=663 How can someone be dominant without another person actively submitting to them? This article shows one way of thinking that might answer that question. Continue reading

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I had an old theory that I was “not a Dom unless someone was actively submitting to me.” Well, I have found that to be false.

I am Dominant because I express dominant qualities and character traits and strive to be in control. This is true regardless of whether or not someone is submitting to me.

Before this realization, the statement “I will dominate/control anyone who allows me” made me feel like I was dependent on the sub “making” me or worse yet, “validating” me as a Dominant.

Now I understand that I don’t need anyone submitting to me. The mere fact that I am selective in doing the domination (towards only those who agree to submit to me) means I am exercising restraint and control on myself. And that is always the goal of any Dom, to first be in control of himself before controlling others. I am dominant because I am almost always in the mindset to dominate and control.

This epiphany happened yesterday at the bar. A group of my friends were sitting around the table talking. There were some empty dinner plates on the table that were sort of in the way. Automatically I picked them up and cleared them from the table.

Seeing an action that is quite often attributed to someone in a submissive role, a kinky guy at the table said: “So, you’re being submissive now, huh?”

I thought long and hard. “No, this was not an act of submission on my part at all.”

I chose to clear the plates away.

It was something I wanted

…and I delegated the clearing of the plates to the person most willing and open to the task: myself!

I trust this new way of thinking will help me appreciate people who do “short acts of submission and bottoming to me” even more.

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forkin flogger http://www.thekinkrealm.com/self-made-kink/smk-2012-contest-entries/forkin-flogger/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/self-made-kink/smk-2012-contest-entries/forkin-flogger/#comments Tue, 20 Nov 2012 19:11:44 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/forkin-flogger/ The post forkin flogger appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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The Mandingo Effect: BBC & Why Cucks Love Them http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/the-mandingo-effect-bbc-why-cucks-love-them/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/the-mandingo-effect-bbc-why-cucks-love-them/#comments Tue, 20 Nov 2012 09:46:29 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=639 Upon entering room 236 at the Holiday Inn Express, I see coming from the bathroom towards the door an obviously anxious, shapely looking MILF {Mom...

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Upon entering room 236 at the Holiday Inn Express, I see coming from the bathroom towards the door an obviously anxious, shapely looking MILF {Mom I’d Like to Fuck} in garters and a matching attractive fashionable Victoria’s Secrets lingerie outfit, probably an anniversary present. Her thick curvy figure is not suited for the skinny model bustier trying to hold her ampleness in place. Her husband is standing behind the door holding it open in anticipation of his dirty secret fantasy coming true. He ushers me in with a gregarious “Hello Sir!” quickly moving like an errand boy to situate the room so that it hopefully suits Me. “Come in, come in. I’m Mike” the anticipatory cuck says, almost pushing Me into the room with his words as he quickly closes the door. He rushes to adjust his cameras he has situated perfectly to capture the impending night’s actions.

I can recognize the look of being pleased but with unexpected anxiety on the part of the MILF. She introduces herself as Christy, extending her hand as she attempts to cover her scantily clothed body with her other hand, her curves unsuited for the outfit she has selected. Her nervousness a stark contrast to their sexual boldness in the emails, text and calls they have made to Me to set up this baptism into the cuckold lifestyle.

Having made this entrance numerous times before with many new cuck couples, I have seen this sexually charged tension. It is a copious mix of fear… “Oh my, this Black Guy will tie us up, rob us, rape her and kill us” coupled with the Mandingo Effect… “Oh my, hopefully this Black Guy will tie us up, rape her, use her, breed her and keep us as sex slaves!”

The Mandingo Effect that brought them to this moment in time had been brewing in them for quite a while, possibly since their wedding day. It’s that overwhelming desire to see his lovely wife possessed in the avaricious lust of a BBC {Big Black Cock}, a taboo driving them to alleviate the tedious boredom that their sex life, a taboo that is not as uncommon as the general public would present.

I begin by putting Christy, the MILF, and mike, the cuck hubby, at ease as I put My Dom tool bags down. I say in a moderate, yet friendly tone, “Hello you two. Finally good to meet you both. I bet seeing an African American male in your hotel room with two large black bags full of tools, toys, torture devices and such can be a little alarming. Don’t worry… yet.” The tension in the room eases as I take Christy’s hand after placing the bags in front of the door. I move her into the light simultaneously saying “Let’s see what you have been working with all these years, guy,” inspecting his prized possession by turning her around like a ballerina on her toes. I take her and seat her on the bed and summon mike over to be seated beside her for our primary SSR conversation (Safety, Sane, Rules).

Experience through the years has proven that this is the most important conversation new cuck couples must have. If you are a good judge of character, as Dominants must be, this brief conversation sets the tone for the evening fun and establishes the structure and the outline of the fantasy. This can seem rather pragmatic and redundant but it’s better than a trip to the police station, hospital, or having your name in the paper for something going drastically wrong. Trust there are many cases of just such things happening from the unexpected or unvoiced expectations or hidden red lines. Topics include use of birth control and protection, proof of STD(-free) results, clarity on the No Drug Use policy I have and a brief explanation of the progression of protocols I demand.

Christy sits on the edge of the bed, mike seated next to her caressing her exposed thigh, her legs crossed at the knee. Her newly purchased (for this evening) stiletto is pointing towards the window as she leans towards mike. I can see that he is anticipating this a bit more than she. I take her hand and move her away as I go over the rules asking repeatedly, “Is this understood?” He jumps to answer “Yes” as she nods in consent to each rule. I explain that this will avoid relationship drama and ask if there is anything I need to know about your health or mental status before I begin. And little mike the cuck jumps to answer immediately. I silence him and say, “Let her speak… she can speak, can’t you, Christy?” at which point, like releasing a pressure valve, the MILF Christy tells me more in thirty seconds of unhindered speech than mike the cuck has said all night.

This has been his desire and she wants to please him, but she has always wanted to be with a Black Guy. I purposely interrupt her: “You mean a BBC, right?” leading her to the obvious confession that she wants this as well. “Yes, a guy with a Big Black Cock… who knows how to use it, of course.” She pulls herself back with the latter emphasis. “This can be that and more much more if, at the end our session, you decide to continue.” I say this knowing that My intentions for this new cuck couple are to show them a glimpse of what the cuckold lifestyle is about, tease them, taunt them, then let them go home with the open door of opportunity of more. This way they can go over their feelings together before I increase the intensity, because this will allow any unrevealed issues to come out back home.

I then look at Christy and command her to ask her hubby sarcastically, “Why are you still dressed? Are you embarrassed?” This allows Christy the MILF the control over her cuck hubby that she has been wanting since the seed of this cuckold encounter was planted. “We need a good laugh!” I add and as the new cuck sheepishly undresses. I place the MILF Christy on My lap noticing her wetness and warmth as she squirms to adjust herself accordingly. I begin to trace with My fingertips the delicate latches to reveal her lovely skin to the climate controlled air in the room. By the time her hubby is finished and ready to be commanded into position, she is fully topless, her huge tits no longer keeping Victoria’s secret. Thus, the Mandingo Effect begins……

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A Real Nice Flogger http://www.thekinkrealm.com/self-made-kink/smk-2012-contest-entries/a-real-nice-flogger/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/self-made-kink/smk-2012-contest-entries/a-real-nice-flogger/#comments Mon, 12 Nov 2012 22:55:57 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/a-real-nice-flogger/ The post A Real Nice Flogger appeared first on The Kink Realm.

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Two-way Aftercare, an Addendum http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/two-way-aftercare-an-addendum/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/two-way-aftercare-an-addendum/#comments Thu, 01 Nov 2012 17:36:29 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=520 My original post, Two-way Aftercare, was a bit of an extended rant/rage against some deeply-rooted, long-standing notions that seem to have taken a foothold in...

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My original post, Two-way Aftercare, was a bit of an extended rant/rage against some deeply-rooted, long-standing notions that seem to have taken a foothold in the lifestyle whether they are true, relevant, necessary, applicable or not. I will continue to hold to the claim that just as not all s-types are weak little puddles of nothingness in, out, during or after a scene, neither are all D-types rock-hard, robotic, feel-nothing cane-wielders who need no TLC.

For my ranting, I offered the problem. For my addendum, I hope to offer useful ideas and thought provokers. The ideas presented apply to people of any gender, orientation and role, as any can experience space, drop and have a need for aftercare.

 

The Math

 

Prepare for Aftercare

Aftercare shouldn’t be an afterthought. Any number of steps can be taken ahead of time to help ensure a smooth ride off that high post play. First, there are a few things to take into consideration.

  • What level of play will you be experiencing? Will it likely be light foreplay-style bedroom play or all out animalistic dungeon-in-the-basement leather-clad extensive play? It may be difficult to know in advance, as scenes don’t have to be scripted, but having a general idea can help you gauge the level of aftercare that may be needed. Ultra light play, for instance, may result in a light need for aftercare while really heavy play may call for a serious comfort-fest after the fact.
  • What do you and your partner(s) typically require? Do you normally come out of a scene giddy, perky and full of energy? Does your partner tend to sulk, feel fatigue and wish to be alone after play? Everyone’s styles, responses and reactions are unique and need to be accounted for. Acknowledge each style to help better prepare.
  • What’s going on at the moment? Is he particularly more stressed than ever? Is she at the point in her cycle where she’s more sensitive to touch and lighting? A myriad of life’s elements can cause us to be in a different state than normal and affect not only how we play, but how we react to play. Consider what factors might call for an extra touch of aftercare.
  • What’s happening after the moment? After play, do you expect to hit the road to go home, work or other? Will you have to tend to kids or complete some tasks? Or will you get to relax a while, maybe even sleep soundly for the night? Sometimes life calls, sometimes it doesn’t. Either way, remember to plan ahead for whatever time or task is ahead of you. Even a small amount of aftercare can be helpful.

Aftercare – What to Do?

Aftercare doesn’t have to be a highly detailed and elaborate production and really doesn’t have to involve a great amount of planning. The more you know ahead of time and the more familiar you are with yourself and your partner(s), the more it should just flow naturally, as if it’s a seamlessly integrated part of the scene.

Cater to the standard 5 senses: hearing, taste, smell, sight and touch. Have items and your environment ready before play to address aftercare without the extra post play hurry-up. Here are just a few of many, many ideas:

  • Hug each other.
  • Hold each other.
  • Gather some of his chosen comfort items — sweets, wine, potted meat (I jest…) or anything on his “like” list.
  • Have her favorite soft blanket ready to wrap her in after play.
  • Offer hydration, as physical activity can demand much.
  • Make the environment soothing with low mood music. End with a tune that fades out slowly.
  • Be sure the ambient temperature isn’t too cool, as some bottoms feel a chill after play.
  • Clean up “messes” with a warm wet wash cloth.
  • Move the miscellaneous items from his favorite chair and put the remote on the arm rest.
  • Light a candle with a nice pleasing scent or sprinkle some nicely scented drops of essential oil around.
  • Turn the lights down a notch just enough to break the bright glare.
  • Give a massage to his reddened hands that just spanked you.
  • Give a massage to her toes that tipped & strained precariously, supporting all her weight.
  • Put the phones on vibrate as to not disturb the after-groove.
  • Dress her. Some people are simply more comfortable clothed.

Cater to the most important sense of all — the sense of well-being. Emotional jolts are just as real and serious as the physical experience.

In all things, don’t forget the high amount of mental (and sometimes emotional) energy that fuels D-type/s-type interactions.

We all gave at the party

It’s typically accepted that bottoms, subs & slaves give a lot of themselves in a scene, but it’s important to remember that top-types also give of themselves greatly. The key factor to remember is that D/s, B&D and S&M are solidly based on power exchange, a dance of giving and receiving. A top can easily need just as much or more TLC after play as a bottom. Top space, sub space, top drop and sub drop are all equally as real.

Say it’s ok

Maybe one of the most overlooked components of aftercare is the simple reassurance that everything is alright. Let’s face it, there always has been and always will be a stigma attached to what we do (no matter how many shades of grey they come up with). Sometimes we need to hear “I’m ok, you’re ok.” Reassure your partner(s) that the kink you just engaged in was something you welcome and enjoy, that their kink is your kink, too. Let them know it’s not bad or any other other buzz words: taboo, criminal, shameful, odd, weird, crazy, deviant or perverted. Relieve them of any guilt they may feel.

Talk about it

As demonstrated by the mathematical equation above, a scene really shouldn’t be considered complete until the parties have had a chance to have a bit of post-play discussion and review. Of course, this excludes those who have a prior understanding where such talks are unnecessary. For the rest, allow time, even if it’s the next day, to go over the particulars of the scene — what worked, what really worked, what you might try differently next time, what new you experienced, what you received from the other, etc. This is a good time to keep a balance, however. It’s probably not the best time to offer harsh criticism and equally not the best time to be intently fanatical in your expression of praise.

Say thank you

What’s more simple than a thank you? Appreciation goes a long way. Whether it’s immediately after the scene, a few hours later or the next day, be sure to give your counterpart thanks for their time, efforts, affection, attention and care, as well as for sharing their kink with you. Express it verbally, write it in a note, sing it or put on a show with a nice strip tease (men, I’m talking to you).

Keep it going

Aftercare need not be limited to the 15-minute period after a scene. Ideally, the parties involved should be available to each other for extended aftercare for as long as needed. There are no perfect or exact ways to tackle aftercare, only what works for those involved.

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Two-way Aftercare http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/two-way-aftercare/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/two-way-aftercare/#comments Tue, 30 Oct 2012 06:29:08 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=412 This post serves as more of a rant than an educational/informational piece. Grain of salt is complimentary. On Subdrop I have played a LOT over...

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This post serves as more of a rant than an educational/informational piece. Grain of salt is complimentary.

On Subdrop

I have played a LOT over the years and have experienced varying degrees and depths of highs and lows as a result. The rush of endorphins can be exhilarating, and the coming down, or subdrop, can be opposingly equal in scope.

There are times when I experience no subdrop at all, or I am so engaged with life in general that I simply don’t have a spare moment to recognize it or attribute it to post-play symptoms. Generally, if I am going to experience it, the day after is my typical due date for the drops.

Everyone can experience drop in a different way. I normally feel very restless, maybe to the point of agitation, fidgety and unfocused. I feel as though the only real cure (or, what I want most) is to play again!

Recently, I experienced subdrop within hours of the last of our play. It hit me by surprise and I had to make adjustments to handle it. He was long gone… nearly hours away when the drop started. I needed to put on my big girl panties and do what was needed to level myself back out. Fortunately, I was able to talk with him. His assurance and understanding greatly helped, as did a couple of shots of cognac and a nice hard nap.

Begin <rant> #1

I tend to experience subdrop the most with harder, more involved play, but I think it’s important to recognize that highs and lows (or coming down) can happen from more that just physical interactions. My last drop was a result of the combination of heavily involved emotions, mental stimulation & efforts and a mix of play times.

I rarely hear talk of subspace, subdrop and the like without it being directly related to some type of physical contact. That does the lifestyle as a whole an injustice. While there are obviously plenty of kinksters and kink-friendlies who are solely into S&M type activities, many remain who embrace the lifestyle with all it’s bits and pieces, many of which involve absolutely no physical contact at all.

One can be put into a state of space, floating, a zone, with words and feelings alone. That is more powerful than the forward momentum of any flogger or whip. An emotional/mental force like that, strong enough to catapult the mind into a high sphere, erotic or not, surely can leave it’s subject feeling the same type of drop one might feel after heavy physical play.

</rant>

My recent drop was after absolutely wonderful play and a great time serving. I wanted everything to be just right and really put my mental engine to work. My emotions followed accordingly.

Subdrop doesn’t have to be all bad. Just as pain lets you know you’re alive, subdrop lets you know it wasn’t just a dream. You were there. It happened. It was good.

On Aftercare

I believe in aftercare. The concept is solid and it serves a good purpose. I also happen to be one who believes that just because something is spoken a million times, it doesn’t necessarily hold it’s worth in salt.

After dropping, I was helped by talking about it. Hearing that soothing voice from the one who had just recently had me bound and beaten was comforting and easing. Different strokes – some may like to be cuddled while another likes a glass of wine. One friend likes chocolate post-play. I am all for whatever works.

Begin <rant> #2

What I am not for is the notion that the receiver, whether a bottom or a sub or a slave, expectedly ends up as some slinky crumpled ball of mess on the floor and needs some extravagant level of near-medical attention after a scene.

I have witnessed bottoms being catered to like queens on a throne, every wish being tended to, after what I would consider to be a short and mild, maybe moderate scene. Of course, some of these terms are subjective and relative, but just how helpless must one be after play?

I say that if your scene was so heavy that you are rendered incapacitated, perhaps that scene was just a level or so out of your capacity and evaluation is in order.

I also say this: it’s not all about you!! Recognize it takes (at least) two to tango! How is it we so easily forget our tops? Top space is real. It happens. It is real.

In all dynamics, M/s, D/s, top/bottom/switch combinations, each party gives and receives a lot. IMHO, it’s just as important for all to realize responsibility for the other parties involved. Aftercare should not be a one-way street.

Although we as bottoms may sometimes forget, or maybe simply not always understand the magnitude of it all, it’s imperative to take the one(s) who traveled with us into -space into full account and care for them as they care for us.

A kind reassuring word to let them know that what they just did to you IS OK with you can be helpful. Maybe it’s a glass of water and a smile. It doesn’t have to be a full-on production, but an offering of a peaceful state for all involved.

</rant>

And as I write this, I am reciting it all to myself as my own personal mantra.

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The Technicalities of BDSM, a parody http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/the-technicalities-of-bdsm-a-parody/ http://www.thekinkrealm.com/article/the-technicalities-of-bdsm-a-parody/#comments Mon, 23 Jul 2012 15:00:33 +0000 http://www.thekinkrealm.com/?p=164 This is fantastic! If you would like to explain BDSM in a nutshell to friends, family, co-workers or that new love interest, just coin this...

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This is fantastic! If you would like to explain BDSM in a nutshell to friends, family, co-workers or that new love interest, just coin this description:

mad-adam asked: Explain to me the technicalities of BDSM.

Well, you see, you start out with two teams of 11 people. One is the “doms” and one is the “subs.” There is a referee called “the switch.”

Then the game starts when the subs give a wrapped gift called “submission” to the doms, and the doms have to laugh like supervillians and crack whips. Then the two teams jelly wrestle for half an hour, with points being awarded for lost items of clothing.

After the jelly wrestling, there is an obstacle course called “THE ONE TRUE WAY” and during it, if a dom answers to anything but “MASTER” they are disqualified, and if a sub refuses any order given them they are also disqualified and sent to the Sin Bin (where the orgies happen).

Then they play the most hardcore game of Simon Says you’ve ever seen.

Then, at the end of the game, whichever team has the most points is the winner of BDSM and the captain of that team becomes the King of Alternative Sexuality.

The dominants always win because true submissives always give in to dominants.

Source: Erinkyan at Tumblr

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